Substantive editing sample 37:
A wizard’s career

In this fantasy novel, I dealt with coherence issues, poorly constructed sentences, and awkward phrasing.

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This sample is presented here with the two authors’ permission.

Original
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Telvar had worn his fingers to the bone. He had mended his master’s clothes, reorganized the kitchen cabinets, cleaned out the cellar storage rooms, dusted the great hall, and shaken out more rugs than he thought any single wizard could possibly possess. But in all that time he had not lifted a single finger in the practice of his magical arts. Magic is a muscle that needs to be flexed or it withers away! The frustrated young wizard mused that if commoners only knew how much research, memorization, calculation, and practice was involved to cast even the simplest cantrip they would not think magic so very wondrous. His current menial task was putting away the research books Myramar had failed to reshelve from the night before. At least I have progressed from cleaning the kitchen to cleaning the library. Picking up the last book, Telvar glanced at its title, The Effects of the Sun on the Subterranean Grub Worm. Telvar sighed as he tried to contain his disappointment in his master’s reading selection when a sneezing fit beset him. He sighed again. More dusting needs to be done.

Markup
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Telvar had worn his fingers to the bone. He had mended his master’s clothes, reorganized the kitchen cabinets, cleaned out the cellar storage rooms, dusted the great hall, and shaken out more rugs than he thought any single wizard could possibly possess. But in all that time he time, he had not lifted a single finger in the practice of his magical arts. Magic is a muscle that needs to be flexed or flexed, or it withers away! The frustrated young wizard mused that if commoners only knew how much research, memorization, calculation, and practice was involved to cast even were involved in casting even the simplest cantrip they cantrip, they would not think magic so very wondrous. [They might still think the magic career wondrous, wouldn’t they? They just wouldn’t find such an onerous career that enticing. Consider changing “would not think magic so very wondrous” to “would not consider a career as a wizard so very enticing.”] His current menial task was putting away the research books Myramar had failed to reshelve from the night before. At least I least, I have progressed from cleaning the kitchen to cleaning the library. Picking up the last book, Telvar glanced at its title, The Effects of the Sun on the Subterranean Grub Worm. Telvar sighed as he tried to contain his disappointment in his master’s reading selection when a sneezing fit beset him. As he tried to contain his disappointment in his master’s reading selection, Telvar sighed; then a sneezing fit beset him. [Suggested revision for Aristotelian coherence: “his master’s reading selection” is this sentence’s given information, elaborating on the book title (the previous sentence’s new information), and thus should come at the beginning of the sentence (along with Telvar’s disappointment); the sentence’s new information is “Telvar sighed,” followed right away with “a sneezing fit.”] He sighed again. More dusting needs to be done.

Result
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Telvar had worn his fingers to the bone. He had mended his master’s clothes, reorganized the kitchen cabinets, cleaned out the cellar storage rooms, dusted the great hall, and shaken out more rugs than he thought any single wizard could possibly possess. But in all that time, he had not lifted a single finger in the practice of his magical arts. Magic is a muscle that needs to be flexed, or it withers away! The frustrated young wizard mused that if commoners only knew how much research, memorization, calculation, and practice were involved in casting even the simplest cantrip, they would not consider a career as a wizard so very enticing. His current menial task was putting away the research books Myramar had failed to reshelve from the night before. At least, I have progressed from cleaning the kitchen to cleaning the library. Picking up the last book, Telvar glanced at its title, The Effects of the Sun on the Subterranean Grub Worm. As he tried to contain his disappointment in his master’s reading selection, Telvar sighed; then a sneezing fit beset him. He sighed again. More dusting needs to be done.