Substantive editing sample 36:
The apprentice’s arrival

In this fantasy novel, my suggested revisions improved cohesion and otherwise repaired some poorly constructed sentences. I needed to be alert to continuity issues as well: Telvar retrieved his satchel and then, a little later, picked it up, but there was no indication in between that he put it down. And he would have become very wet had he actually “headed deeper into the rather busy harbor.”

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Original
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Telvar retired back to his cabin after watching the sailors on board moor the ship with hawser lines. Secluded from the others, he practiced what he would say when he reached the Mage Tower over and over in his mind before a knock on the door told him he could depart. He retrieved his leather satchel and grabbed his long metal staff. Without bothering to say goodbye to the captain or crew, he strode down the wobbly plank to the pier. He looked around for someone to acknowledge him but saw no one save knights and dock workers going about their normal daily routines. Surely, Lord Dunford must have known about my arrival, so where are his escorts? The Wizard Council sent a letter to the Commander months ago about my apprenticeship with Myramar. What gross incompetence from these metal plated dunces! Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, Telvar picked up his satchel and headed deeper into the rather busy harbor where a dozen or more ships of various sizes were either taking on ore and passengers or unloading larges sacks of foodstuffs and barrels of ale. A wall and gate separated the harbor from the town and right before the gate was the harbor office. Telvar saw a mustachioed knight coming out of the building and hailed him. “Hello, Sir, I have just disembarked from the Ice Warrior and I can’t seem to find my escort. I am Myramar’s apprentice and I need assistance.” The knight did not bother to stop or acknowledge the request. Does this fool think me some commoner? Telvar ignored the temptation to send the man flying across the harbor with a spell and instead entered the building through a door that had a symbol of crossed anchors on a shield over its lintel. Inside the office, a plump knight sat behind a large oak desk. The man looked up from the parchment he held in his and and creased his brow. “Hello, Sir knight, I have just arrived,” stated Telvar.

Markup
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Telvar retired back to his cabin after watching the sailors on board moor the ship with hawser lines. After watching the sailors on board moor the ship with hawser lines, Telvar retired back to his cabin. [My suggested revision retains the actual order of events (and supports the narrative flow, as in a movie); also, it improves cohesion: “his cabin” at the end of the sentence leads into the next sentence, beginning with “Secluded from the others” (secluded in his cabin) better than “hawser lines” would have done.] Secluded from the others, he practiced what he would say when he reached practiced over and over in his mind what he would say when he reached the Mage Tower over and over in his mind before the mage tower, before a knock on the door told him he could depart. He retrieved his leather satchel and grabbed his long metal staff. Without bothering to say goodbye to the captain or crew, he strode down the wobbly plank to the pier. He looked around for someone to acknowledge him but saw no one save knights and dock workers going about their normal daily routines. Surely, Lord Dunford must have known about must know about my arrival, [Telvar is thinking in present tense] so where are his escorts? my escorts? [The escorts would be Telvar’s, not Lord Dunford’s.] The Wizard Council sent a letter to the Commander months the commander months ago about my apprenticeship with Myramar. What gross incompetence from these metal plated dunces! these metal-plated dunces! Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, Telvar picked up his satchel and headed deeper [in the preceding paragraph, Telvar “retrieved his leather satchel”; there is no subsequent mention of his setting it down while he is looking around for someone to acknowledge him, so we have to assume he did not put the satchel and staff down and thus does not need to pick either of them up] Telvar headed deeper into the rather busy harbor where harbor port, [he would get very wet by heading into the harbor] where a dozen or more ships of various sizes were either taking on ore and passengers or unloading larges sacks unloading large sacks of foodstuffs and barrels of ale. A wall and gate separated the harbor from the town and town, and right before the gate was the harbor office. Telvar saw a mustachioed knight coming out of the building and hailed him. “Hello, Sir, I “Hello, sir. I have just disembarked from the Ice Warrior and the Ice Warrior, [italic for the name of a ship] and I can’t seem to find my escort. I am Myramar’s apprentice and apprentice, and I need assistance.” The knight did not bother to stop or acknowledge or even acknowledge the request. Does this fool think me some commoner? Telvar ignored the temptation Telvar resisted the temptation to send the man to cast a spell that would send the man flying across the harbor with a spell and instead harbor and instead [revision to prevent a misreading that the man would be “flying across the harbor with a spell”] entered the building through a door that had a symbol of crossed symbol over its lintel of crossed anchors on a shield over its lintel. shield. [The entire symbol, not just the shield, is over the lintel. And the lintel belongs to the door (“its”), not to the shield.] Inside the office, a plump knight sat behind a large oak desk. The man looked up from the parchment he held in his and his hand and creased his brow. “Hello, Sir knight, I have “Hello, sir knight,” said Telvar. “I have just arrived,” stated Telvar. arrived.”

Result
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After watching the sailors on board moor the ship with hawser lines, Telvar retired back to his cabin. Secluded from the others, he practiced over and over in his mind what he would say when he reached the mage tower, before a knock on the door told him he could depart. He retrieved his leather satchel and grabbed his long metal staff. Without bothering to say goodbye to the captain or crew, he strode down the wobbly plank to the pier. He looked around for someone to acknowledge him but saw no one save knights and dock workers going about their normal daily routines. Surely, Lord Dunford must know about my arrival, so where are my escorts? The Wizard Council sent a letter to the commander months ago about my apprenticeship with Myramar. What gross incompetence from these metal-plated dunces! Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, Telvar headed deeper into the rather busy harbor port, where a dozen or more ships of various sizes were either taking on ore and passengers or unloading large sacks of foodstuffs and barrels of ale. A wall and gate separated the harbor from the town, and right before the gate was the harbor office. Telvar saw a mustachioed knight coming out of the building and hailed him. “Hello, sir. I have just disembarked from the Ice Warrior, and I can’t seem to find my escort. I am Myramar’s apprentice, and I need assistance.” The knight did not bother to stop or even acknowledge the request. Does this fool think me some commoner? Telvar resisted the temptation to cast a spell that would send the man flying across the harbor and instead entered the building through a door that had a symbol over its lintel of crossed anchors on a shield. Inside the office, a plump knight sat behind a large oak desk. The man looked up from the parchment he held in his hand and creased his brow. “Hello, sir knight,” said Telvar. “I have just arrived.”