Substantive editing sample 35:
The abbot’s command

In this fantasy novel, I suggested ways to enliven a speech (enabling a character’s words to “echo” in the reader’s mind) by interrupting the speech with the descriptive exposition rather than muffling the spoken words by attaching the exposition at the end. I also queried the choice of one word and suggested a more precise one.

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the two authors’ permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

“Make haste, boy! If these supplies are not unpacked by the end of the day you shall be scrubbing the cloister floor from now until spring.” The command came from the head of the abbey, the Abbot Monbatten, a man with harsh features and unyielding principles. “Yes, Father,” responded Tryam meekly, returning from his daydream. Tryam stood before the ward tower, an imposing thirty feet high stone structure resembling a lighthouse in design but with two major differences: its strong granite base supported a translucent blue crystal instead of a great fire, and its purpose was not as a beacon to draw others in, but as a ward against malevolent creatures from the Abyss called Daemons that ravaged the world at night.

Markup
Click to go to the result.

“Make haste, boy! If these boy!” The command came from the head of the abbey, the Abbot abbey, Abbot Monbatten, a man with harsh features and unyielding principles. “If these supplies are not unpacked by the end of the day you day, you shall be scrubbing the cloister floor from now until spring.” The command came from the head of the abbey, the Abbot Monbatten, a man with harsh features and unyielding principles. spring.” [Revision OK? (1) You can evoke in the reader’s mind an “echo” of the spoken words by ending the sentence with them—which involves interrupting the entire speech with the exposition (rather than putting the exposition at the end, which muffles that echo). (2) Also, in this case, “the command” in the exposition refers only to the first of the abbot’s sentences: “Make haste, boy!”] “Yes, Father,” responded Tryam meekly, returning from his daydream. Tryam stood before the ward tower, an imposing thirty feet high stone imposing thirty-foot-high stone structure resembling a lighthouse in design but with two major differences: its differences: Its strong granite base [“shaft”? (“base” implies just the bottom of the tower)] supported a translucent blue crystal instead of a great fire, and its purpose was not as a beacon to draw others in, but in but as a ward against malevolent creatures from the Abyss called Daemons that ravaged Daemons, who ravaged the world at night.

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

“Make haste, boy!” The command came from the head of the abbey, Abbot Monbatten, a man with harsh features and unyielding principles. “If these supplies are not unpacked by the end of the day, you shall be scrubbing the cloister floor from now until spring.” “Yes, Father,” responded Tryam meekly, returning from his daydream. Tryam stood before the ward tower, an imposing thirty-foot-high stone structure resembling a lighthouse in design but with two major differences: Its strong granite shaft supported a translucent blue crystal instead of a great fire, and its purpose was not as a beacon to draw others in but as a ward against malevolent creatures from the Abyss called Daemons, who ravaged the world at night.