Substantive editing sample 38:
Before retiring to bed

In this fantasy novel, there were a number of continuity problems, and here (in chapter 10) we see one of them. At the beginning of chapter 9, Tryam left the dining area, skipped meditation, and snuck off to join his friends Wulfric and Kara to practice combat. Now in this chapter he is returning from that practice and is finally ready to go to bed. He had not been in bed yet, so “returning to bed” is inappropriate. A nitpicking editor needs to look out for these errors.

I also needed to repair poorly constructed sentences and incorrect word choices.

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This sample is presented here with the two authors’ permission.

Original
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Tryam needed to gather his thoughts before returning to bed. He placed the torches and new equipment into the cracked tomb then wandered up to the church, but instead of heading inside he walked along the perimeter of the old wall. When he passed near the storage rooms the foreign priest Gidran entered his mind. The strange priest had left in great haste some weeks ago without having told Tryam what, if anything, he had discovered in the vaults.

Markup
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Tryam needed Before retiring to bed, Tryam needed to gather his thoughts before returning to bed thoughts. [(1) rearrangement for emphasis and coherence; (2) “retiring,” not “returning,” because Tryam had not been in bed yet (he had gone directly from the evening meal to his training with Wulfric and Kara)] He placed the torches and new equipment into the cracked tomb then tomb, then wandered up to the up toward the church, but instead of church. [repair of run-on sentence] Instead of heading inside he inside, however, [“however” is needed to enhance the contrast expressed by “Instead of”] he walked along the perimeter of the old wall. When he passed near the storage rooms the rooms, the foreign priest Gidran foreign monk Gidran entered his mind. The strange priest had strange monk had left in great haste some weeks ago without weeks before, [“before” (or “earlier”) is preferable to “ago” when the narrative present is described in simple past tense (the customary way for “once upon a time” stories like this) and the reference is to the past of the narrative present] without having told Tryam what, if anything, he had discovered in the vaults.

Result
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Before retiring to bed, Tryam needed to gather his thoughts. He placed the torches and new equipment into the cracked tomb, then wandered up toward the church. Instead of heading inside, however, he walked along the perimeter of the old wall. When he passed near the storage rooms, the foreign monk Gidran entered his mind. The strange monk had left in great haste some weeks before, without having told Tryam what, if anything, he had discovered in the vaults.