Substantive editing sample 39:
Someone interfered

In this sample from a fantasy novel, I suggested a revision to enhance the dark mood of the scene. The mage Myramar has lately been acting weird, even bizarre. On this day, he put his assistant, Telvar, to a wizardry test for controlling fire. In spite of his training, Telvar failed the test; in fact, the face of some bestial demon had appeared in the raging, out-of-control fire, which Myramar was ultimately able to quench. With a slight manipulation of a sentence’s language, my revision plunged the mood of the scene from the humdrum ordinary into a justification for Telvar to be terrified.

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This sample is presented here with the two authors’ permission.

Original
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For once Telvar was left without words. He thought of telling the old mage what he had seen but for the first time since arriving at the Tower he felt he could not trust his Master. Telvar was certain that someone or something had interfered with his test.

Markup
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For once Telvar once, Telvar was left without words. He thought of telling the old mage what he had seen but for seen, but for the first time since arriving at the Tower he felt the tower, he felt he could not trust his Master. his master. Telvar was certain that someone or something had certain that something, or someone, had interfered with his test. [Suggested revision OK? (to enhance the dark mood of the scene; “something” is ordinary, but “someone,” italicized and set off with commas in the appositive position, implies something sinister).]

Result
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For once, Telvar was left without words. He thought of telling the old mage what he had seen, but for the first time since arriving at the tower, he felt he could not trust his master. Telvar was certain that something, or someone, had interfered with his test.