Copyediting sample 12:
Upstream

In this sample from a mystery novel, I needed to ponder each word, trying to visualize what it was conveying. Sometimes, a sentence seems to suggest something that would not be true in nature: Richard splashing into the river after the cartons had already been drifting in the current would have been upstream, not downstream, of them.

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

Before we had a chance to go down to the second deck and sample the chocolates, we heard a commotion from below, a couple of screams followed by a loud splash. Jefferson and I raced down the stairs to the passageway around the second deck and found Stella in Ashley’s face, screaming things like “This means war!” and “You picked the wrong person to fuck with!” and “Your ice cream is just like your personality—bland and forgettable.” At least Stella found time to taste it for herself, so she could make an informed insult. I looked over the side of the boat and saw a couple of gallons of Frozen Expressions ice cream floating in the Mississippi, the dark chocolate color distinguishable from the muddy river water more by a glossy sheen than its color. Ashley’s father came running down the stairs, followed closely by two rather large men who looked like they weren’t much into joking around. They pushed their way between Stella and Ashley. Richard Johns faced Stella directly and warned her to step back or she’d spend the rest of the cruise locked in a closet, emphasizing his threat by poking at her shoulder again and again. When the boat shuddered for a second, he grabbed a handrail to steady himself, then he turned to say something to Ashley: “I told you this was a bad idea. She’d have found out soon enough. We didn’t need to do it this way.” Ashley looked unfazed by her father’s comments. I watched as Stella’s face turned bright red and she took a few steps backward, then, as Richard and Ashley argued, she pointed herself toward Ashley and raced forward. She might have connected with her intended target if not for the pool of ice cream on the deck. Instead she slipped, lost her balance, crashed into a wall sideways, then bounced off it right into Ashley’s father, pushing against him to steady herself but with enough force to send him tumbling over the handrail. She grabbed that same handrail to steady herself as Richard splashed in the Mississippi, some fifteen feet below us and just downstream of the floating cartons of Frozen Expressions ice cream.

Markup
Click to go to the result.

Before we had a chance to go down to the second deck and sample the chocolates, we heard a commotion from below, a couple of screams followed by a loud splash. Jefferson and I raced down the stairs to the passageway around the second deck and found Stella in Ashley’s face, screaming things like “This means war!” and “You picked the wrong person to fuck with!” and “Your ice cream is just like your personality—bland and forgettable.” and forgettable!” At least Stella found Stella had found time to taste it for herself, so she could make an informed insult. I looked over the side of the boat and saw a couple of gallons of Frozen Expressions ice cream floating Expressions Ice Cream floating in the Mississippi, the dark chocolate color distinguishable from the muddy river water more by a glossy sheen than its than by its color. Ashley’s father came running down the stairs, followed closely by two rather large men who looked like they weren’t much into joking around. They pushed their way between Stella and Ashley. Richard Johns faced Stella directly and warned her to step back or she’d spend the rest of the cruise locked in a closet, emphasizing his threat by poking at her shoulder again and again. When the boat shuddered for a second, he grabbed a handrail to steady himself, then himself; then he turned to say something to Ashley: “I told you this was a bad idea. She’d have found out soon enough. We didn’t need to do it this way.” Ashley looked unfazed by her father’s comments. I watched as Stella’s face turned bright red and she took a few steps backward, then, as backward. Then, as Richard and Ashley argued, she pointed herself toward Ashley and raced forward. She might have connected with her intended target if not for the pool of ice cream on the deck. Instead she Instead, she slipped, lost her balance, crashed into a wall sideways, then bounced off it right into Ashley’s father, pushing into Richard, pushing against him to steady herself but with enough force to send him tumbling over the handrail. She grabbed that same handrail to steady herself as Richard splashed in the splashed into the Mississippi, some fifteen feet below us and just downstream just upstream of the floating cartons of Frozen Expressions ice cream. Expressions Ice Cream. [The cartons were in the river already, floating down with the current, and Richard had just splashed into the water, so he wouldn't have been drifting in the current yet and therefore would have been “upstream,” not “downstream,” of the cartons.]

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

Before we had a chance to go down to the second deck and sample the chocolates, we heard a commotion from below, a couple of screams followed by a loud splash. Jefferson and I raced down the stairs to the passageway around the second deck and found Stella in Ashley’s face, screaming things like “This means war!” and “You picked the wrong person to fuck with!” and “Your ice cream is just like your personality—bland and forgettable!” At least Stella had found time to taste it for herself, so she could make an informed insult. I looked over the side of the boat and saw a couple of gallons of Frozen Expressions Ice Cream floating in the Mississippi, the dark chocolate color distinguishable from the muddy river water more by a glossy sheen than by its color. Ashley’s father came running down the stairs, followed closely by two rather large men who looked like they weren’t much into joking around. They pushed their way between Stella and Ashley. Richard Johns faced Stella directly and warned her to step back or she’d spend the rest of the cruise locked in a closet, emphasizing his threat by poking at her shoulder again and again. When the boat shuddered for a second, he grabbed a handrail to steady himself; then he turned to say something to Ashley: “I told you this was a bad idea. She’d have found out soon enough. We didn’t need to do it this way.” Ashley looked unfazed by her father’s comments. I watched as Stella’s face turned bright red and she took a few steps backward. Then, as Richard and Ashley argued, she pointed herself toward Ashley and raced forward. She might have connected with her intended target if not for the pool of ice cream on the deck. Instead, she slipped, lost her balance, crashed into a wall sideways, then bounced off it right into Richard, pushing against him to steady herself but with enough force to send him tumbling over the handrail. She grabbed that same handrail to steady herself as Richard splashed into the Mississippi, some fifteen feet below us and just upstream of the floating cartons of Frozen Expressions Ice Cream.