Copyediting sample 11:
People lined up

In this sample from a mystery novel, I revised to make the language more active (“people lined up, waiting” rather than “a line of people” that “was waiting”; “diesel engines provided the real power” rather than “with diesel engines providing the real power”).

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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When we got to the dock at 3:30, a line of people was already waiting to board the Princess Potosa for the party. Our group had grown to four. Jefferson had invited barkeep Lonna, who didn’t need any convincing to accept. The boat, a replica of a nineteenth-century steamboat, had been built to twenty-first century standards: fresh paint on blind nostalgia. The foundation was an old barge hull; the paddlewheel was just for show, with diesel engines providing the real power; the resident band played the same Dixieland songs they played forty years ago; the cook was pretty good with a microwave but not much else. Good thing I wasn’t here for a standard tourist cruise.

Markup
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When we got to the dock at 3:30, a line of people was already waiting at three thirty, people were already lined up, waiting to board the Princess Potosa for the party. [Suggested revision OK? (1) “a line” is static, and it does not wait; (2) the people in the line are waiting; (3) being “lined up” is a bit more active than being in “a line”; and (4) though the juxtaposition of “people” and “was” can be argued as grammatical because “a line” is singular, it can still be jarring to readers (and can be argued by some as ungrammatical).] Our group had grown to four. Jefferson four; Jefferson had invited barkeep Lonna, who didn’t need any who hadn’t needed any convincing to accept. The boat, a replica of a nineteenth-century steamboat, had been built to twenty-first century standards: to twenty-first-century standards: fresh paint on blind nostalgia. The foundation was an old barge hull; the paddlewheel was just for show, with diesel engines providing the show, since diesel engines provided the real power; the resident band played the same Dixieland songs they played songs they’d played forty years ago; years before; the cook was pretty good with a microwave but not much else. Good thing I wasn’t here for wasn’t there for a standard tourist cruise.

Result
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When we got to the dock at three thirty, people were already lined up, waiting to board the Princess Potosa for the party. Our group had grown to four; Jefferson had invited barkeep Lonna, who hadn’t needed any convincing to accept. The boat, a replica of a nineteenth-century steamboat, had been built to twenty-first-century standards: fresh paint on blind nostalgia. The foundation was an old barge hull; the paddlewheel was just for show, since diesel engines provided the real power; the resident band played the same Dixieland songs they’d played forty years before; the cook was pretty good with a microwave but not much else. Good thing I wasn’t there for a standard tourist cruise.