Copyediting sample 43:
Until his retirement?

In this sample from a combined memoir and family history, where the author discusses his brother, I pointed out a contradiction with what their late father had said in Part Two. That part (in typewriter font) is his father’s oral history, which had been lost for twenty-five years. The author wanted it reproduced with as little change as possible, and I had to use restraint in dealing with it. (“It is a remarkable—in fact, priceless—document and deserves to be published. It has been added to this work as Part Two. You will note that I have left the formatting as close to the original as possible, to preserve the character and feel of those times.”).

In this sample from Part One (the author’s own words), besides routine copyediting for mechanical style (punctuation for the most part), I needed to compare the author’s assertions with what his father had said in Part Two—which is how I discovered the contradiction.

In the “Result” section of this sample, you can see how the author provided some new text (subject to my copyediting), elaborating on his brother’s career and marital history.

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

Upon graduation, Bill joined my dad at Blade Chevrolet. It was fortuitous, as my dad’s business practices had become archaic and the business was struggling. Because of his friendship with Stan Nelson III, Bill had worked summers at Nelson Chevrolet in Ballard and had learned more contemporary practices to the car business. For example, Dad never liked the used car business, while many dealers learned that a successful used car department was the key to a profitable dealership. A very successful Chevrolet dealer of the era quipped, “You can take away my new car franchise, but don’t take away my Chevrolet OK Used Car franchise.” To the used car buyer, an OK Used Car sign represented buying a car backed by a reputable business rather than an independent dealer who might conform to the used car dealer stereotype. A smart Chevrolet dealer who operated with integrity could command premium prices and profits from used car sales. It was in his best interest to also provide customers with sound, reliable transportation as part of the bargain. Bill worked at Blade Chevrolet until his retirement in 2002. My brother Bill was married three times. The first to Linda Buchanan who he married on July 22, 1961 in Spokane, Washington. They divorced nine years later in May 1970. His second marriage was to Rita Jean Doherty, from Hayden Lake, Idaho. The two were married in Las Vegas on November 24, 1971 and together they raised their two sons, Michael and Scott Blade in Spokane. Bill and Rita were married thirty-one years until Rita’s death in March 2002. The following year Bill married his third wife, Sylvia Kimbrell on October 17, 2003 and the couple made their home in Indio, California until his death on April 22, 2017. in Part Two, 77 pages later Mike was born here in Mount Vernon when Bill was here. Then Bill went to Spokane because his father-in-law had a big Chevrolet dealership there, and he was becoming ill. So Bill went over to help him out for a few years. In the meantime, Karl had come into the dealership here. Then Karl bought Newell Coach, which was ten years or so ago, ’82 or ’83. Bill had disassociated himself with the Chevrolet deal in Spokane, and was a dealer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Karl and I met Bill in Ellensburg and told him that Karl was going to Newell Coach in Oklahoma, and he’d be leaving, and that we’d like him to come back to Blade Chevrolet and be with his Dad, which he did. Mike has my two great-grandsons, Alex, born in 1988, and Cooper, born in 1992. Karl has two daughters. They are outstanding girls and I am very proud of them. Becky is now a sophomore at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas.

Markup
Click to go to the result.

Upon graduation, Bill joined my dad at Blade Chevrolet. It was fortuitous, as my dad’s as Dad’s business practices had become archaic and archaic, and the business was struggling. Because of his friendship with Stan Nelson III, Bill had worked summers at Nelson Chevrolet in Ballard and had learned more contemporary practices to the of the car business. For example, Dad never liked the used car business, used-car business, while many dealers learned that a successful used car department used-car department was the key to a profitable dealership. A very successful Chevrolet dealer of the era quipped, “You can take away my new car franchise, new-car franchise, but don’t take away my Chevrolet OK Used Car franchise.” Chevrolet ‘OK Used Car’ franchise.” To the used car buyer, used-car buyer, an OK Used Car sign an “OK Used Car” sign represented buying a car backed represented that buying a car there was backed by a reputable business rather than an than by an independent dealer who might conform to the used car dealer stereotype. used-car dealer stereotype. A smart Chevrolet dealer who operated with integrity could command premium prices and profits from used car sales. used-car sales. It was in his best in the dealer’s best interest to also provide customers with sound, reliable transportation as part of the bargain. Bill worked at Blade Chevrolet until his retirement in 2002. [In Part Two, your father wrote that Bill went to Spokane to help his father-in-law in his dealership “for a few years” and that later he was “a dealer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho.” Only later did he return to Blade Chevrolet. Consider revising the sentence this way: “Other than a few years at dealerships in Spokane, Washington, and Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, Bill worked at Blade Chevrolet until his retirement in 2002.”] My brother Bill was Bill was [revision to avoid the needed commas surrounding “Bill”; it is established that Bill is your only brother] married three times. The first to Linda Buchanan who Buchanan, whom he married on July 22, 1961 in Spokane, Washington. 1961, in Spokane. They divorced nine years later in later, in May 1970. His second marriage was to Rita Jean Doherty, from Hayden Lake, Idaho. The two were married in Las Vegas on November 24, 1971 and 1971, and together they raised their two sons, Michael and Scott Blade in Blade, in Spokane. Bill and Rita were married thirty-one years until years, until Rita’s death in March 2002. The following year Bill year, Bill married his third wife, Sylvia Kimbrell on Kimbrell, on October 17, 2003 and 2003, and the couple made their home in Indio, California until California, until his death on April 22, 2017. in Part Two, 77 pages later Mike was born here in Mount Vernon when Bill was here. Then Bill went to Spokane because his father-in-law had a big Chevrolet dealership there, and he was becoming ill. So Bill went over to help him out for a few years. In the meantime, Karl had come into the dealership here. Then Karl bought Newell Coach, which was ten years or so ago, ’82 or ’83. Bill had disassociated himself with the Chevrolet deal in Spokane, and Spokane and was a dealer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Karl and I met Bill in Ellensburg and told him that Karl was going to Newell Coach in Oklahoma, and Oklahoma and he’d be leaving, and that we’d like him like Bill to come back to Blade Chevrolet and be with his Dad, his dad, which he did. Mike has my two great-grandsons, Alex, born in 1988, and Cooper, born in 1992. Karl has two daughters. They are outstanding girls and girls, and I am very proud of them. Becky is now a sophomore at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas.

Result (after the author reviewed the markup, addressed outstanding comments, and inserted his own revised text, which I copyedited)
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

Upon graduation, Bill joined my dad at Blade Chevrolet. It was fortuitous, as Dad’s business practices had become archaic, and the business was struggling. Because of his friendship with Stan Nelson III, Bill had worked summers at Nelson Chevrolet in Ballard and had learned more contemporary practices of the car business. For example, Dad never liked the used-car business, while many dealers learned that a successful used-car department was the key to a profitable dealership. A very successful Chevrolet dealer of the era quipped, “You can take away my new-car franchise, but don’t take away my Chevrolet ‘OK Used Car’ franchise.” To the used-car buyer, an “OK Used Car” sign represented that buying a car there was backed by a reputable business rather than by an independent dealer who might conform to the used-car dealer stereotype. A smart Chevrolet dealer who operated with integrity could command premium prices and profits from used-car sales. It was in the dealer’s best interest to provide customers with sound, reliable transportation as part of the bargain. Bill worked at Blade Chevrolet from his graduation from the UW in 1961 until he joined his father-in-law in a large dealership in Spokane, Washington, after which he operated several dealerships in Idaho. He returned to Blade Chevrolet to carry on in the family business after I moved to Oklahoma in 1982, and he remained until his retirement in 2002. Bill was married three times. The first to Linda Buchanan, whom he married on July 22, 1961, in Spokane. They had two sons, Mike and Scott, and divorced in May 1970. Bill’s second marriage was to Rita Jean Doherty, from Hayden Lake, Idaho. The two wed in Las Vegas on November 24, 1971. Bill and Rita were married thirty-one years, until Rita’s death in March 2002. The following year, Bill married his third wife, Sylvia Kimbrell, on October 17, 2003. The couple made their home in Indio, California, until Bill’s death on April 22, 2017. in Part Two, 77 pages later Mike was born here in Mount Vernon when Bill was here. Then Bill went to Spokane because his father-in-law had a big Chevrolet dealership there, and he was becoming ill. So Bill went over to help him out for a few years. In the meantime, Karl had come into the dealership here. Then Karl bought Newell Coach, which was ten years or so ago, ’82 or ’83. Bill had disassociated himself with the Chevrolet deal in Spokane and was a dealer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Karl and I met Bill in Ellensburg and told him that Karl was going to Newell Coach in Oklahoma and he’d be leaving, and that we’d like Bill to come back to Blade Chevrolet and be with his dad, which he did. Mike has my two great-grandsons, Alex, born in 1988, and Cooper, born in 1992. Karl has two daughters. They are outstanding girls, and I am very proud of them. Becky is now a sophomore at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas.