Copyediting sample 44:
Events in order

In this sample from a combined memoir and family history, the author discusses his daughters. I suggested that text be rearranged to follow a logical, chronological order. I also pointed out a contradiction with what the author’s late father had said in Part Two. That part (in typewriter font) is the father’s oral history, which the author wanted reproduced as close to the original as possible, “to preserve the character and feel of those times,” so I needed to edit there with great restraint.

In the “Result” section of this sample, you can see (after some extra editorial passes) how the author provided some new text (subject to my copyediting), elaborating on his daughters’ accomplishments and life events.

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

Original
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Alice and I were fortunate to have two daughters who have been bright and well behaved (for the most part) both as children and adults. Our first child, Rebecca, as born August 21, 1973, days short of 12 months after our marriage. Our second and last child, Brandi, was born 13 months later, on October 1, 1974. While they have significantly different personalities, both are personable and outgoing. They have been best friends from birth to this day. Both easily got good grades through school. Alice, Becky, Brandi and I have been close, although Alice has performed the vast majority of the parenting responsibilities. Both Becky and Brandi were active in sports and enjoyed the Miami, Oklahoma high school social scene. At one time, they were both on the same softball team, with Brandi pitching to Becky as catcher. Brandi was good enough to be selected for the state All Star team. Each was the high school prom queen, Brandi the year following Becky. Brandi attended Cornell University for two years and graduated from the University of Colorado with a degree in Sociology after which she settled in Colorado. She loves the outdoor life and less conservative culture. She found that her Sociology degree qualified her for employment as a waitress in a coffee shop. Soon her boyfriend Ryan was diagnosed with advanced adrenal cancer. Brandi cared for him for about a year before he passed away. The experience working with his health care providers inspired Brandi to attend and graduate from nursing school at the U of Colorado in Boulder. While waiting for two years in the queue for admission, she worked as a nursing assistant, gaining real world experience that proved invaluable when she was admitted to the nursing program. She was older, more mature, and more experienced than her nursing school classmates, and she had not trouble doing well. After graduation, Brandi pursued her nursing career at a newly completed small hospital in Salida, Colorado, where she still resides with our grandson Rio. In 2005, Brandi married Eric Tauer, a computer software engineer. Rio was born in 2009 and has proved to be an extremely bright child. Ultimately Brandi’s marriage failed, and she and Eric were divorced in 2016. Brandi is currently engaged to Dave Horton, a retired school teacher. He is a great guy who treats her like a queen, and they have a tentative wedding date of September 2020. Becky attended Southern Methodist University for two years before transferring to the University of Nevada at Las Vegas to major in restaurant and hotel management. This education has proven useful when she joined Newell and her responsibilities included managing semi-annual five-day customer events for 50 to 150 customers and employee events for 160 employees and spouses. Becky also is one of our two interior designers who work with each customer planning the bespoke interior of the Newell they are ordering. Becky met Pat Dwyer at UNLV at Las Vegas and they were married in 1997. Pat and Becky joined Newell in 2000, with Pat becoming Executive Vice President/Sales within a couple of . They have a son, Henry, currently in high school and as I write, he is 16 years old and only recently received his driver’s license and the freedom that is attached. He is 6 foot 2 inches tall and still growing, a handsome kid who will not tell us anything about his girlfriend(s). in Part Two, 58 pages later Brandi is a senior in high school in Miami, Oklahoma. She was just recently homecoming queen there. She is very, very active in all the high school activities, athletic and otherwise. Karl and Alice are also very active in things their daughters are doing.

Markup
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Alice and I were fortunate to have two daughters who have been bright and well behaved (for the most part) both as children and adults. and as adults. Our first child, Rebecca, as born was born August 21, 1973, days short of 12 months twelve months after our marriage. Our second and last child, Brandi, was born 13 months thirteen months later, on October 1, 1974. While they have significantly different personalities, both are personable and outgoing. They have been best friends from birth to this day. Both easily got good grades through school. Alice, Becky, Brandi and Brandi, and I have been close, although Alice has performed the vast majority of the parenting responsibilities. Both Becky and Brandi were active in sports and enjoyed the Miami, Oklahoma high Oklahoma, high school social scene. At one time, they were both on the same softball team, with Brandi pitching to Becky as catcher. Brandi was good enough to be selected for the state All Star team. all-star team. Each was the high school prom queen, Brandi the year following Becky. [In Part Two, your father has Brandi as homecoming queen.] Brandi attended Cornell University for two years and graduated from the University of Colorado with Colorado Boulder [right?] with a degree in Sociology after in sociology, after which she settled in Colorado. She loves the outdoor life and less conservative culture. She found that her Sociology degree sociology degree qualified her for employment as a waitress in a coffee shop. Soon her boyfriend Ryan was boyfriend, Ryan, was diagnosed with advanced adrenal cancer. Brandi cared for him for about a year before he passed away. The experience working with his health care providers inspired Brandi to attend and graduate from nursing school at the U of Colorado in Boulder. University of Colorado. While waiting for two years in the queue for admission, she worked as a nursing assistant, gaining real world experience real-world experience that proved invaluable when she was admitted to the nursing program. She was older, more mature, and more experienced than her nursing school classmates, and she had not trouble had no trouble doing well. After graduation, Brandi pursued she pursued her nursing career at a newly completed small hospital in Salida, Colorado, where she still resides with our grandson Rio. Colorado. In 2005, Brandi married she married Eric Tauer, a computer software engineer. Rio was born Their son, Rio, was born in 2009 and has proved to be an extremely bright child. Ultimately Brandi’s Ultimately, Brandi’s marriage failed, and she and Eric were divorced in 2016. Brandi is currently divorced in 2016. She and Rio continue to reside in Salida. [Rearrangement of text okay? (to keep the chronology straight; for example, Rio was born after his parents married and before they divorced).] Brandi is currently engaged to Dave Horton, a retired school teacher. schoolteacher. He is a great guy who treats her like a queen, and they have a tentative wedding date of September 2020. Becky attended Southern Methodist University for two University in Dallas for two years before transferring to the University of Nevada at Las Vegas to Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV), to major in restaurant and hotel management. [For better coherence, I moved the following two sentences to this position (from where they were later in the paragraph).] Becky met Pat Dwyer at UNLV at Las Vegas and UNLV, and they were married in 1997. Pat and Becky joined They both joined Newell in 2000, with Pat becoming Executive Vice President/Sales executive vice-president/sales within a couple of . couple of years. [Right?] This education has proven useful when she joined Newell and her responsibilities Becky’s education in restaurant and hotel management proved useful at Newell; her responsibilities included managing semi-annual five-day customer events for 50 to 150 customers and employee events for 160 employees and spouses. Becky also is one is also one of our two interior designers who work with each customer planning the bespoke interior of the Newell they are ordering. [I moved the following two sentences to earlier in the paragraph.] Becky met Pat Dwyer at UNLV at Las Vegas and they were married in 1997. Pat and Becky joined Newell in 2000, with Pat becoming Executive Vice President/Sales within a couple of . They have Becky and Pat have a son, Henry, currently in high school and school, and as I write, he is 16 years sixteen years old and only recently received his driver’s license and the freedom that is attached. He is 6 foot 2 inches six feet two inches tall and still growing, a handsome kid who will not tell us anything about his girlfriend(s). in Part Two, 58 pages later Brandi is a senior in high school in Miami, Oklahoma. She was just recently homecoming queen there. She is very, very active in all the high school activities, athletic and otherwise. Karl and Alice are also very active in things their daughters are doing.

Result (after the author addressed my comments and inserted his own revised text, which I copyedited and segmented into shorter paragraphs)
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

Alice and I were fortunate to have two daughters who have been bright and well behaved (for the most part) both as children and as adults. Our first child, Rebecca, was born August 21, 1973, days short of twelve months after our marriage. Our second and last child, Brandi, was born thirteen months later, on October 1, 1974. While they have significantly different personalities, both are personable and outgoing. They have been best friends from birth to this day. Both easily got good grades through school. Alice, Becky, Brandi, and I have been close, although Alice has performed the vast majority of the parenting responsibilities. Both Becky and Brandi were active in sports and enjoyed the Miami, Oklahoma, high school social scene. At one time, they were both on the same softball team, with Brandi pitching to Becky as catcher. Brandi was good enough to be selected for the state all-star team. Each was the high school homecoming queen, Brandi the year following Becky. Brandi attended Cornell University for two years and graduated from the University of Colorado Boulder with a degree in sociology, after which she settled in Colorado. She loves the outdoor life and less conservative culture. She found that her sociology degree qualified her for employment as a waitress in a coffee shop. When Brandi’s boyfriend, Ryan, was diagnosed with advanced adrenal cancer, she cared for him for about a year before he passed away. The experience working with his health care providers inspired Brandi to attend and graduate from nursing school at the University of Colorado. While waiting for two years in the queue for admission, she worked as a nursing assistant, gaining real-world experience that proved invaluable when she was admitted to the nursing program. She was older, more mature, and more experienced than her nursing school classmates, and she had no trouble doing well. After graduation, Brandi pursued her nursing career at a small, new hospital in Salida, Colorado. In 2005, she married Eric Tauer, a computer software engineer. Their son, Rio, was born in 2009 and has proved to be an extremely bright child. Ultimately, Brandi’s marriage failed, and she and Eric were divorced in 2016. She and Rio continue to reside in Salida. Brandi is currently engaged to Dave Horton, a retired schoolteacher. He is a great guy who treats her like a queen. They have a tentative wedding date of September 2020. Becky attended Southern Methodist University in Dallas for two years before transferring to the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV), to major in restaurant and hotel management. Becky met Pat Dwyer at UNLV, and they were married in 1997. They both joined Newell in 2000, with Pat becoming executive vice-president/sales within a couple of years. Becky’s education in restaurant and hotel management and her innate design and people skills have proved extremely useful at Newell. Her responsibilities have included managing semi-annual five-day customer events for 50 to 150 customers and employee events for 160 employees and spouses. Becky is also one of our two interior designers who work with each customer planning the bespoke interior of the Newell they are ordering. Becky and Pat have a son, Henry, who, at this writing, is sixteen years old and in high school. Henry recently received his driver’s license and is experiencing the new sense of freedom that comes with it. He is six feet two inches tall and still growing, a handsome kid who will not tell us anything about his girlfriend(s). in Part Two, 58 pages later Brandi is a senior in high school in Miami, Oklahoma. She was just recently homecoming queen there. She is very, very active in all the high school activities, athletic and otherwise. Karl and Alice are also very active in things their daughters are doing.