Copyediting sample 46:
A significant subchapter

In this memoir, by comparing one chapter with another, I pointed out a discrepancy in the daughters’ ages. Also, after a quick lookup on the web, I corrected the author’s assertion that Karen was Al Unser’s “first wife.”

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Original
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A significant subchapter to this story is that Alice and I have developed a close off-track friendship with Al, his first wife Karen and then his current wife Susan. Beginning in 1983 and for the next twenty-five years, Alice, Becky, Brandi and I traveled in our motorhome to Al’s ranch in the mountains of northern New Mexico to spend the week between Christmas and the New Year snowmobiling and just having fun. We rode daily in the beautiful, remote wilderness and kicked back every evening. Al’s brother Bobby had the ranch bordering on Al’s property line to the south, and his son Al, Jr. owned a ranch just to the north. Our trail rides typically consisted of riders with 10 or more “snow machines,” and the riding was fast and aggressive. Our kids were 11 and 12 years old when we started this annual trip, and they were quickly riding toward the front of the fast moving gang. We also had the opportunity to travel quite a bit with Al and Karen, including one trip to St. John in the Virgin Islands. It was during this trip that our mutual friend Tom joined us on a rented sailboat, became intoxicated, and ended up stark naked on the bow. It was with some difficulty that we managed to get Tom to put his pants back on so we could return to the dock.

Markup
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A significant subchapter to this story is that Alice and I have developed a close off-track friendship with Al, his first wife Karen and Al; his former wife, Karen; [change okay? Wikipedia has Karen as Unser’s second wife, after he divorced his first wife, Wanda née Jesperson, in 1971] and then his current wife Susan. wife, Susan. Beginning in 1983 and for the next twenty-five years, Alice, Becky, Brandi and Brandi, and I traveled in our motorhome to Al’s ranch in the mountains of northern New Mexico to spend the week between Christmas and the New Year snowmobiling and New Year’s snowmobiling and just having fun. We rode daily in the beautiful, remote wilderness and kicked back every evening. Al’s brother Bobby had the ranch bordering on Al’s bordering Al’s property line to the south, and his son Al, Jr. owned son, Al Jr., owned a ranch just to the north. Our trail rides typically consisted of riders with 10 or more ten or more “snow machines,” and the riding was fast and aggressive. Our kids were 11 and 12 years were eleven and twelve years old when we started this annual trip, [please address this discrepancy: Brandi was born October 1, 1974, and Becky was born August 21, 1973 (chapter 20), so Brandi would be eleven and Becky twelve in 1985 stretching into 1986, “when we started this annual trip,” but at the beginning of the paragraph, the trips began in 1983, two years earlier] and they were quickly riding toward the front of the fast moving the fast-moving gang. We also had the opportunity to travel quite a bit with Al and Karen, including one trip to St. John to Saint John in the Virgin Islands. It was during this trip that our mutual friend Tom [for consistency, consider inserting a surname for Tom, even a made-up surname as you did with the partners in purchasing the Newell business—in which case, insert “(not his real name)” after the made-up surname] joined us on a rented sailboat, became intoxicated, and ended up stark naked on the bow. It was with some difficulty that we managed to get Tom to put his pants back on so we could return to the dock.

Result (after the author had addressed my comments and queries and added some text, which I copyedited)
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

A significant subchapter to this story is that Alice and I have developed a close, off-track friendship with Al Sr.; his former wife, Karen; and then his current wife, Susan. Beginning in 1983 and for the next twenty-five years, Alice, Becky, Brandi, and I traveled in our motorhome to Al’s ranch in the mountains of northern New Mexico to spend the week between Christmas and New Year’s snowmobiling and just having fun. We rode daily in the beautiful, remote wilderness and kicked back together every evening. Our gatherings often included Al’s brother Bobby, who had the ranch bordering Al’s property line to the south, and Al Jr., who owned a ranch just to the north. Our trail rides typically consisted of riders with ten or more “snow machines,” and the riding was fast and aggressive. Our kids were nine and ten years old when we started this annual trip, and they were quickly riding toward the front of the fast-moving gang. We also had the opportunity to travel quite a bit with Al and Karen, including one trip to Saint John in the Virgin Islands. It was during this trip that our mutual friend Tom Moore (not his real name) joined us on a rented sailboat, became intoxicated, and ended up stark naked on the bow. It was with some difficulty that we managed to get Tom to put his pants back on so we could return to the dock.