Substantive editing sample 11:
To reschedule the interview

In every novel I edit, I need to keep track of the passage of time: what year, month, day of the week, and time of day it is in the “narrative present,“ the current time from the point of view of the narrator. In this sample from a mystery novel, once I had established which day of the week was “current,“ I needed to ensure that nothing in the text contradicted that—or would sound unnatural, whether in the spoken dialogue or in the narrator’s internal monologue. In the commentary in the markup and author’s review, you will see my proposed suggestions. (In BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS, you can see how the author responded to my suggestions.)

Slow, close attention to every word in a manuscript can ensure that spoken dialogue and internal monologue sound natural. Also, effective paragraphing (for example, ensuring that each speech of each character is isolated in its own dedicated paragraph along with whatever action description might pertain to that character) can enhance a story’s pacing.

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

“From what I could tell, the ice cream is delicious,” I said. “I’m Frank Dodge, by the way. I think I’m supposed to interview you today.” Stella introduced herself with “Oh, shit,” but I told her not to worry about it. “If your ice cream is half as good on a cone as it is dripping down my face, I won’t have anything but good to say.” We made plans to meet Saturday morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup. Helen flitted away in search of new marvelous experiences. Jefferson, Ruby, and I decided it was time to sample more food, so we moved away from the conflict zone to check out the other vendors. “I don’t know how you do it, Frank, but you sure are good at landing in the middle of a shitstorm.” Jefferson laughed and turned to me, catching a glimpse of Ruby in the process. Looking embarrassed, he said, “Sorry, Ruby. I need to watch my language.” “Oh, don’t worry about me, Brian. I’ve heard a lot of shit in my eighty-five years.” I hated to end the day on a sour note, so we sampled a few more little bits of food that people poured their heart and soul into; most of them, anyway. I’m pretty sure the small batch jelly bean manufacturer didn’t put a lot of thought or work into those tasteless blobs of snot. 15 pages (four chapters) later I drove back to my room to clean up, then called Stella Mueller to reschedule our interview; we agreed to meet the next morning, Saturday, at her factory. She wanted some more time to get things back together after the fire but promised me a tour of the whole ice cream making operation. I still had some time before meeting Jefferson and Ruby, so I decided to call my brother, Mark. We don’t talk very often, haven’t talked regularly for years. I drove back to Dubuque and parked at the riverfront, then walk around until I found an appealing bench to sit on. The last time Mark and I talked was right after my near incarceration in the Quad Cities. He was glad that I wasn’t killed but didn’t express much sympathy for any of the other troubles. Like Jefferson, he tends to live by the creed “You made your own bed, so lie in it and shut up already.”

Markup
Click to go to the author’s review.

“From what I could tell, the ice cream is delicious,” I said. said to my assailant. [Insertion of “to my assailant” OK?] “I’m Frank Dodge, by the way. I think I’m supposed to interview you today.” Stella introduced herself with “Oh, shit,” but I told her not to worry about it. shit!” [Paragraph break here for Frank to speak (in actual speech, not paraphrase) and for Stella’s words, “Oh, shit!” to echo in the reader’s mind] “Don’t worry about it. [(1) “Don’t worry about it, Stella.”? or “Don’t worry about it, Mrs. Mueller.”? Please decide between your original and these two alternatives. (2) I removed the paragraph break; Frank’s speech continues.] “If your If your ice cream is half as good on a cone as it is dripping down my face, I won’t have anything but good to say.” to write.” [Paragraph break here for Frank’s words to echo.] We [“Stella and I”? “Mrs. Mueller and I”? (please decide among the three)] made plans to meet Saturday morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup. [Plot contradiction here. In chapter 6 you write “Then I called Stella Mueller to reschedule our interview; we agreed to meet the next morning, Saturday, at her factory.” I suggest there a resolution of the contradiction (please see that proposed resolution), but I note here that we establish which day the current narrative present is. All actions in the narrative present since the opening of chapter 1 are occurring on Friday, the day before the proposed appointment of Frank and Stella, whether at Brenda’s Butter Cup or at the factory. Since referring to “Saturday” is a little unnatural if it’s already Friday (saying “the next morning,” or “tomorrow,” would be more natural), I suggest the preceding sentence should be changed to: “Stella and I made plans to meet the next morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup.”] Helen flitted away in search of new marvelous experiences. [Paragraph break here for the topic shift away from Stella and Helen.] Jefferson, Ruby, and I decided it was time to sample more food, so we moved away to move away from the conflict zone to check out the other vendors. [(1) “sample more food” is redundant with “sampled a few more . . .” a few sentences down; (2) I removed the paragraph break here; Jefferson’s speech works right in.] “I don’t know how you do it, Frank, but you Frank,” Jefferson said, [“remarked”? “observed”? Generally, “said” is just fine (and making massive efforts to avoid it with elegant alternatives is silly, even amateurish), but occasionally a more precise term is good.] “but you sure are good at landing in the middle of a shitstorm.” Jefferson laughed He laughed and turned to me, [so he wasn't looking at Frank when he said that about the shitstorm?] catching a glimpse of Ruby in the process. Looking embarrassed, he said, “Sorry, Ruby. I need to watch my language.” “Oh, don’t worry about me, Brian. I’ve heard a lot of shit in my eighty-five years.” I hated to end the day on a sour note, so we sampled a few more little bits of food that people poured people had poured their heart and soul into; most into—most of them, anyway. I’m pretty anyway. I was pretty sure the small batch jelly the small-batch jelly bean manufacturer didn’t put manufacturer hadn’t put a lot of thought or work into those tasteless blobs of snot. 15 pages (four chapters) later I drove back to my room to clean up, then called up. Then I called Stella Mueller to reschedule our interview; we agreed to meet the next morning, Saturday, at her factory. [(1) You have here established which day the narrative present is occurring: Friday. Since the beginning of chapter 1, everything that has happened in the narrative present—the food-craft fair, the fire, the conspiratorial talk between Frank and Courtney, all of it—has occurred on Friday. Saturday will be the appointment with Stella. Tuesday will be the deadline for the piece Frank is trying to write for Wandering Gourmet. (2) Plot contradiction here. In chapter 2 you wrote “We made plans to meet Saturday morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup.” And, since I discover here that the narrative present is Friday, I further suggested there to revise to “Stella and I made plans to meet the next morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup.” (“Saturday” sounds unnatural if this is already Friday.) But now we need to address the contradiction. If you want, you can resolve the contradiction here this way (or something like it): “Then I called Stella Mueller to confirm our interview appointment the next morning. She asked to change the venue; rather than Brenda’s Butter Cup, why not at her factory?” Then see my next suggestion.] She wanted some more time to get things back together after the fire but promised She promised me a tour of the whole ice cream making operation. whole ice-cream-making operation. [(1) Since the narrative present is Friday, the day of the fire, Stella does not get “some more time to get things back together” unless they had planned to meet later that day, which was never true: The appointment had been made for Saturday, at first (chapter 2) at Brenda’s Butter Cup but now (chapter 6) at the factory. If she needed time, presumably the afternoon hours of Friday would have been enough. Also, you don’t really need this explanation about her needing more time; your story works fine without mentioning that. (2) I broke the paragraph here.] I still had some time before meeting Jefferson and Ruby, so I decided to call my brother, Mark. We don’t talk We didn’t talk very often, haven’t talked often, hadn’t talked regularly for years. [I got rid of the paragraph break here.] I drove back to Dubuque and parked at the riverfront, then walk around riverfront; then I walked around until I found an appealing bench to sit on. [I broke the paragraph here.] The last time Mark and I talked I had talked was right after my near incarceration in the Quad Cities. He was glad that I wasn’t killed but didn’t I hadn’t been killed, but he didn’t express much sympathy for any of the other troubles. Like Jefferson, he tends [present tense OK here] to live by the creed “You made your own bed, so lie in it and shut up already.”

The Author’s Review
in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS
Click to go to the second-pass result.

“From what I could tell, the ice cream is delicious,” I said. said to my assailant. [Insertion of “to my assailant” OK?] SAID TO STELLA INSTEAD OF MY ASSAILANT? “I’m Frank Dodge, by the way. I think I’m supposed to interview you today.” Stella introduced herself with “Oh, shit,” but I told her not to worry about it. shit!” [Paragraph break here for Frank to speak (in actual speech, not paraphrase) and for Stella’s words, “Oh, shit!” to echo in the reader’s mind] “Don’t worry about it. [(1) “Don’t worry about it, Stella.”? or “Don’t worry about it, Mrs. Mueller.”? Please decide between your original and these two alternatives. (2) I removed the paragraph break; Frank’s speech continues.] DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, STELLA. IT SEEMS TO ME THEY ARE ALREADY ON A FIRST NAME BASIS. “If your If your ice cream is half as good on a cone as it is dripping down my face, I won’t have anything but good to say.” to write.” [Paragraph break here for Frank’s words to echo.] We [“Stella and I”? “Mrs. Mueller and I”? (please decide among the three)] STELLA AND I made plans to meet Saturday morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup. [Plot contradiction here. In chapter 6 you write “Then I called Stella Mueller to reschedule our interview; we agreed to meet the next morning, Saturday, at her factory.” I suggest there a resolution of the contradiction (please see that proposed resolution), but I note here that we establish which day the current narrative present is. All actions in the narrative present since the opening of chapter 1 are occurring on Friday, the day before the proposed appointment of Frank and Stella, whether at Brenda’s Butter Cup or at the factory. Since referring to “Saturday” is a little unnatural if it’s already Friday (saying “the next morning,” or “tomorrow,” would be more natural), I suggest the preceding sentence should be changed to: “Stella and I made plans to meet the next morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup.”] OK Helen flitted away in search of new marvelous experiences. [Paragraph break here for the topic shift away from Stella and Helen.] Jefferson, Ruby, and I decided it was time to sample more food, so we moved away to move away from the conflict zone to check out the other vendors. [(1) “sample more food” is redundant with “sampled a few more . . .” a few sentences down; (2) I removed the paragraph break here; Jefferson’s speech works right in.] “I don’t know how you do it, Frank, but you Frank,” Jefferson said, [“remarked”? “observed”? Generally, “said” is just fine (and making massive efforts to avoid it with elegant alternatives is silly, even amateurish), but occasionally a more precise term is good.] OBSERVED AS WE WALKED “but you sure are good at landing in the middle of a shitstorm.” Jefferson laughed He laughed and turned to me, [so he wasn't looking at Frank when he said that about the shitstorm?] CORRECT catching a glimpse of Ruby in the process. Looking embarrassed, he said, “Sorry, Ruby. I need to watch my language.” “Oh, don’t worry about me, Brian. I’ve heard a lot of shit in my eighty-five years.” I hated to end the day on a sour note, so we sampled a few more little bits of food that people poured people had poured their heart and soul into; most into—most of them, anyway. I’m pretty anyway. I was pretty sure the small batch jelly the small-batch jelly bean manufacturer didn’t put manufacturer hadn’t put a lot of thought or work into those tasteless blobs of snot. 15 pages (four chapters) later I drove back to my room to clean up, then called up. Then I called Stella Mueller to reschedule our interview; we agreed to meet the next morning, Saturday, at her factory. [(1) You have here established which day the narrative present is occurring: Friday. Since the beginning of chapter 1, everything that has happened in the narrative present—the food-craft fair, the fire, the conspiratorial talk between Frank and Courtney, all of it—has occurred on Friday. Saturday will be the appointment with Stella. Tuesday will be the deadline for the piece Frank is trying to write for Wandering Gourmet. (2) Plot contradiction here. In chapter 2 you wrote “We made plans to meet Saturday morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup.” And, since I discover here that the narrative present is Friday, I further suggested there to revise to “Stella and I made plans to meet the next morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup.” (“Saturday” sounds unnatural if this is already Friday.) But now we need to address the contradiction. If you want, you can resolve the contradiction here this way (or something like it): “Then I called Stella Mueller to confirm our interview appointment the next morning. She asked to change the venue; rather than Brenda’s Butter Cup, why not at her factory?” Then see my next suggestion.] THEN I CALLED STELLA MUELLER TO CONFIRM OUR INTERVIEW FOR THE NEXT MORNING. SHE ASKED TO MEET AT HER FACTORY INSTEAD OF THE RESTAURANT, WHICH WAS FINE WITH ME. She wanted some more time to get things back together after the fire but promised She promised me a tour of the whole ice cream making operation. whole ice-cream-making operation. [(1) Since the narrative present is Friday, the day of the fire, Stella does not get “some more time to get things back together” unless they had planned to meet later that day, which was never true: The appointment had been made for Saturday, at first (chapter 2) at Brenda’s Butter Cup but now (chapter 6) at the factory. If she needed time, presumably the afternoon hours of Friday would have been enough. Also, you don’t really need this explanation about her needing more time; your story works fine without mentioning that. (2) I broke the paragraph here.] I still had some time before meeting Jefferson and Ruby, so I decided to call my brother, Mark. We don’t talk We didn’t talk very often, haven’t talked often, hadn’t talked regularly for years. [I got rid of the paragraph break here.] I drove back to Dubuque and parked at the riverfront, then walk around riverfront; then I walked around until I found an appealing bench to sit on. [I broke the paragraph here.] The last time Mark and I talked I had talked was right after my near incarceration in the Quad Cities. He was glad that I wasn’t killed but didn’t I hadn’t been killed, but he didn’t express much sympathy for any of the other troubles. Like Jefferson, he tends [present tense OK here] to live by the creed “You made your own bed, so lie in it and shut up already.”

The Second-Pass Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

“From what I could tell, the ice cream is delicious,” I said to Stella. “I’m Frank Dodge, by the way. I think I’m supposed to interview you today.” Stella introduced herself with “Oh, shit!” “Don’t worry about it, Stella. If your ice cream is half as good on a cone as it is dripping down my face, I won’t have anything but good to write.” Stella and I made plans to meet the next morning for breakfast at Brenda’s Butter Cup. Helen flitted away in search of new marvelous experiences. Jefferson, Ruby, and I decided it was time to move away from the conflict zone to check out the other vendors. “I don’t know how you do it, Frank,” Jefferson observed as we walked, “but you sure are good at landing in the middle of a shitstorm.” He laughed and turned to me, catching a glimpse of Ruby in the process. Looking embarrassed, he said, “Sorry, Ruby. I need to watch my language.” “Oh, don’t worry about me, Brian. I’ve heard a lot of shit in my eighty-five years.” I hated to end the day on a sour note, so we sampled a few more little bits of food that people had poured their heart and soul into—most of them, anyway. I was pretty sure the small-batch jelly bean manufacturer hadn’t put a lot of thought or work into those tasteless blobs of snot. 15 pages (four chapters) later I drove back to my room to clean up. Then I called Stella Mueller to confirm our interview for the next morning. She asked to meet at her factory instead of the restaurant, which was fine with me. She promised me a tour of the whole ice-cream-making operation. I still had some time before meeting Jefferson and Ruby, so I decided to call my brother, Mark. We didn’t talk very often, hadn’t talked regularly for years. I drove back to Dubuque and parked at the riverfront; then I walked around until I found an appealing bench to sit on. The last time Mark and I had talked was right after my near incarceration in the Quad Cities. He was glad that I hadn’t been killed, but he didn’t express much sympathy for any of the other troubles. Like Jefferson, he tends to live by the creed “You made your own bed, so lie in it and shut up already.”