Substantive editing sample 10:
The hair flip

In this mystery novel, my suggested revisions enlivened dialogue by eliminating excess exposition and by isolating each speech in its own dedicated paragraph. To give rest to the readers’ eyes, I broke unrelentingly long paragraphs at each slight change of topic. I also repaired syntax for better coherence. You can see (in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS) how the author responded to my suggestions.

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

“Isn’t this conference wonderful?” Helen asked, not looking at me for a response. “I think it’s terrific how all these small businesses are thriving. It’s truly a miracle.” To Helen, everything is a fucking miracle. The way birds fly in a V-formation is a miracle. The way her long gray hair parts ever so slightly to the right—a miracle. Ice cream—a miracle. At least we agreed on that last one. “So what brings you here, Helen? Trolling for content to steal?” Jefferson handed me a couple of paper towels and a look. I wiped off the ice cream, watching as Helen made no attempt to hide the smirk on her face. “I just adore your sense of humor, Frank. It’s so...unfiltered.” She gave her hair a quick flip with her hand as she spoke the last word. “I bet you’re upset about the Midwest Living photo spread, aren’t you?” Helen asked. “Why shouldn’t I be?” I asked. “Oh, poor, poor Frank. Perhaps you’re a little too sensitive to be in this business. If I ‘stole’ anything from you it was a vague idea about some interesting places to stay that you mentioned. You didn’t have a finished piece that I copied. I just took an idea and fashioned it into a finished piece that I knew would be of interest to a specific magazine. Had you pitched the same idea to Midwest Living before I did, it might have been your name on that byline instead of mine.” “I did more than just name a couple of eco-resorts, I told you the details of why they were special, details that you included in your spread.” “Frank, those are details I would have found out very easily on my own. You didn’t offer any unique insights that no one else could possibly have made; you just observed a couple of features that anyone with a little bit of travel experience would have noticed. But enough about that. I came here to relax and enjoy a mini-vacation, to taste some delicious food and be pampered, not to lecture you on how to make a living as a travel writer,” she said, followed by that damn hair flip. “I found a lovely room in Galena at the Dent Bed and Breakfast. The owners, Brett and Bart, have such refined tastes, decorating with antiques that even someone with simpler tastes, like you, could appreciate,” she said, looking around the conference hall. “For breakfast this morning they served ricotta-stuffed waffles with a lemon-raspberry compote and locally-sourced pork sausage. Delightful. How about you? Where are you staying?” OK, so maybe Helen didn’t technically steal content, but it sure felt like it. She stole my idea, one that was more than just a casual thought. I talked about the angle, why those places had unusual appeal. She didn’t get it published because she developed the idea into a better pitch, she got it in Midwest Living because she had a long-standing relationship with the editor and I didn’t. And her piece was just as dull as everything else she wrote.

Markup
Click to go to the author’s review.

“Isn’t this conference wonderful?” Helen asked, asked now, [I inserted “now” to bring the reader out of the preceding flashback and up to the narrative present, where Helen and Frank are talking in the conference hall—Helen with her snarky remarks and Frank with the ice cream stain on his shirt] not looking at me for a response. “I think it’s terrific how all these small businesses are thriving. It’s truly a miracle.” a miracle!” [I broke the paragraph here—as I often do at the end of a speech and before exposition, especially at exposition that has more to do with what Frank is thinking than what Helen is currently doing. Also, the paragraph break enables the reader to better hear (in her or his mind) an “echo” of Helen’s spoken words.] To Helen, everything is a everything was a fucking miracle. The way birds fly in a V-formation is a V-formation was a miracle. The way her long gray hair parts ever hair parted ever so slightly to the right—a miracle. Ice cream—a miracle. At least we agreed on that last one. “So what brings you here, Helen? Trolling for content to steal?” [I started a new paragraph here to ensure that a reader won’t momentarily think that Jefferson spoke the preceding words (even though the context ensures that the speaker was Frank). Also, isolating Frank’s sarcastic speech in its own paragraph aids the reader to better “hear” the echo of the speech, and to feel its sarcasm, without distracting and interrupting with text about what another character does.] Jefferson handed me a couple of paper towels and a look and shot me a look. [Jefferson didn’t hand Frank a look.] I wiped off the ice cream, watching as Helen made no attempt to hide the smirk on her face. “I just adore your sense of humor, Frank. It’s so...unfiltered It’s so . . . unfiltered.” She gave her hair a quick flip with her hand as she spoke the last word. “I bet you’re upset about the Midwest Living photo spread, aren’t you?” Helen asked. you?” [No need for exposition when it’s obvious who does the speaking.] “Why shouldn’t I be?” I asked. be?” [Ditto.] “Oh, poor, poor Frank. poor Frank! Perhaps you’re a little too sensitive to be in this business. If I ‘stole’ anything from you it you, it was a vague idea about some interesting places to stay that you mentioned. You didn’t have a finished piece that I copied. I just took an idea and fashioned it into a finished piece that I knew piece. A piece I knew would be of interest to a specific magazine. [Short sentences and fragments sound more natural.] Had you pitched the same idea to Midwest Living before I did, it might have been your name on that byline instead of mine.” [One long sentence, with a dependent clause in it, is fine, though—especially as a summary of the preceding sentences.] “I did more than just name a couple of eco-resorts, I eco-resorts. I told you the details of why they were special, details that special. Details that you included in your spread.” “Frank, those are details I would have found out very easily on my own. You didn’t offer any unique insights that no one else could possibly have made; you just made. You just observed a couple of features that anyone with a little bit of travel experience would have noticed. [Her long speech can be interrupted by a paragraph break at a likely topic shift. No closing quotation mark, though, of course, and some exposition in the next paragraph to ensure that the reader understands it is she who is still speaking.] “But enough about that. I came here that,” she said and then paused. [Insertion of “and then paused” okay after the required exposition in the new paragraph? In addition, maybe a short sentence here before she continues speaking? Something about her face softening a little, as though she were trying to be friendly—maybe?] “I came here to relax and enjoy a mini-vacation, to taste a mini-vacation. To taste some delicious food and be pampered, not to pampered. Not to lecture you on how to make a living as a travel writer,” she said, followed by writer.” That disclaimer was followed by that damn hair flip. [Another paragraph break in her long speech, justified not only because the reader needs eye rest but because of another topic shift: she is finished with the disclaimer, and now she gets snarky again. The exposition in the next paragraph indicates that it is she who continues speaking.] “I found a lovely room in Galena at the Dent Bed and Breakfast. Breakfast,” she continued. [“continued a little breathlessly” perhaps? Or was there perhaps some spark in her eyes?] “The owners, Brett and Bart, have such refined tastes, decorating with antiques that even tastes! They decorate with antiques, though, which even someone with simpler tastes, like you, could appreciate,” she said, looking around the conference hall. [(1) To stress her snarky tone, it’s best not to combine many ideas into a long sentence. (2) Also, the “ing” form of the verb (as in “looking around the conference hall”) should go with actions that are simultaneous with the preceding verb (in this case, “said”), and I suspect you don’t mean that she was looking around the room at the same time that she nailed him with the snark—right? (On the other hand, “ I wiped off the ice cream, watching as Helen made no attempt to hide the smirk on her face.” does describe a simultaneous action: Frank was watching at the same time he was wiping.)] appreciate.” She looked around the conference hall, then back at me. [Insertion of “then back at me” okay? (we need to bring Helen’s focus back to Frank for more snarks).] “For breakfast this morning they served ricotta-stuffed waffles with a lemon-raspberry compote and locally-sourced pork and locally sourced pork sausage. Delightful. How about Delightful!” She paused again. “How about you? Where are you staying?” OK, so maybe Helen didn’t technically steal content, but it sure felt like it. She stole my She’d stolen my idea, one that was more than just a casual thought. I talked about I’d talked about the angle, why those places had unusual appeal. She didn’t get it She hadn’t got it published because she developed because she’d developed the idea into a better pitch, she got it pitch. Her piece was just as dull as everything else she wrote. She got it in Midwest Living because she had a long-standing relationship with the editor and I didn’t. And her piece was just as dull as everything else she wrote. I didn’t. [I rearranged the sentences for better coherence: Not a better pitch, and her writing was dull, but she had a relationship with the editors. Okay?]

The Author’s Review
in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS
Click to go to the second-pass result.

“Isn’t this conference wonderful?” Helen asked, asked now, [I inserted “now” to bring the reader out of the preceding flashback and up to the narrative present, where Helen and Frank are talking in the conference hall—Helen with her snarky remarks and Frank with the ice cream stain on his shirt] OK not looking at me for a response. “I think it’s terrific how all these small businesses are thriving. It’s truly a miracle.” a miracle!” [I broke the paragraph here—as I often do at the end of a speech and before exposition, especially at exposition that has more to do with what Frank is thinking than what Helen is currently doing. Also, the paragraph break enables the reader to better hear (in her or his mind) an “echo” of Helen’s spoken words.] To Helen, everything is a everything was a fucking miracle. The way birds fly in a V-formation is a V-formation was a miracle. The way her long gray hair parts ever hair parted ever so slightly to the right—a miracle. Ice cream—a miracle. At least we agreed on that last one. “So what brings you here, Helen? Trolling for content to steal?” [I started a new paragraph here to ensure that a reader won’t momentarily think that Jefferson spoke the preceding words (even though the context ensures that the speaker was Frank). Also, isolating Frank’s sarcastic speech in its own paragraph aids the reader to better “hear” the echo of the speech, and to feel its sarcasm, without distracting and interrupting with text about what another character does.] Jefferson handed me a couple of paper towels and a look and shot me a look. [Jefferson didn’t hand Frank a look.] I wiped off the ice cream, watching as Helen made no attempt to hide the smirk on her face. “I just adore your sense of humor, Frank. It’s so...unfiltered It’s so . . . unfiltered.” She gave her hair a quick flip with her hand as she spoke the last word. “I bet you’re upset about the Midwest Living photo spread, aren’t you?” Helen asked. you?” [No need for exposition when it’s obvious who does the speaking.] “Why shouldn’t I be?” I asked. be?” [Ditto.] “Oh, poor, poor Frank. poor Frank! Perhaps you’re a little too sensitive to be in this business. If I ‘stole’ anything from you it you, it was a vague idea about some interesting places to stay that you mentioned. You didn’t have a finished piece that I copied. I just took an idea and fashioned it into a finished piece that I knew piece. A piece I knew would be of interest to a specific magazine. [Short sentences and fragments sound more natural.] Had you pitched the same idea to Midwest Living before I did, it might have been your name on that byline instead of mine.” [One long sentence, with a dependent clause in it, is fine, though—especially as a summary of the preceding sentences.] “I did more than just name a couple of eco-resorts, I eco-resorts. I told you the details of why they were special, details that special. Details that you included in your spread.” “Frank, those are details I would have found out very easily on my own. You didn’t offer any unique insights that no one else could possibly have made; you just made. You just observed a couple of features that anyone with a little bit of travel experience would have noticed. [Her long speech can be interrupted by a paragraph break at a likely topic shift. No closing quotation mark, though, of course, and some exposition in the next paragraph to ensure that the reader understands it is she who is still speaking.] “But enough about that. I came here that,” she said and then paused. [Insertion of “and then paused” okay after the required exposition in the new paragraph? In addition, maybe a short sentence here before she continues speaking? Something about her face softening a little, as though she were trying to be friendly—maybe?] SHE TURNED TOWARD ME AND FORCED A SMILE. “I came here to relax and enjoy a mini-vacation, to taste a mini-vacation. To taste some delicious food and be pampered, not to pampered. Not to lecture you on how to make a living as a travel writer,” she said, followed by writer.” That disclaimer was followed by that damn hair flip. [Another paragraph break in her long speech, justified not only because the reader needs eye rest but because of another topic shift: she is finished with the disclaimer, and now she gets snarky again. The exposition in the next paragraph indicates that it is she who continues speaking.] “I found a lovely room in Galena at the Dent Bed and Breakfast. Breakfast,” she continued. [“continued a little breathlessly” perhaps? Or was there perhaps some spark in her eyes?] PERKING UP. “The owners, Brett and Bart, have such refined tastes, decorating with antiques that even tastes! They decorate with antiques, though, CUT THOUGH? which even someone with simpler tastes, like you, could appreciate,” she said, looking around the conference hall. [(1) To stress her snarky tone, it’s best not to combine many ideas into a long sentence. (2) Also, the “ing” form of the verb (as in “looking around the conference hall”) should go with actions that are simultaneous with the preceding verb (in this case, “said”), and I suspect you don’t mean that she was looking around the room at the same time that she nailed him with the snark—right? (On the other hand, “ I wiped off the ice cream, watching as Helen made no attempt to hide the smirk on her face.” does describe a simultaneous action: Frank was watching at the same time he was wiping.)] appreciate.” She looked around the conference hall, then back at me. [Insertion of “then back at me” okay? (we need to bring Helen’s focus back to Frank for more snarks).] “For breakfast this morning they served ricotta-stuffed waffles with a lemon-raspberry compote and locally-sourced pork and locally sourced pork sausage. Delightful. How about Delightful!” She paused again. “How about you? Where are you staying?” OK, so maybe Helen didn’t technically steal content, but it sure felt like it. She stole my She’d stolen my idea, one that was more than just a casual thought. I talked about I’d talked about the angle, why those places had unusual appeal. She didn’t get it She hadn’t got it published because she developed because she’d developed the idea into a better pitch, she got it pitch. Her piece was just as dull as everything else she wrote. She got it in Midwest Living because she had a long-standing relationship with the editor and I didn’t. And her piece was just as dull as everything else she wrote. I didn’t. [I rearranged the sentences for better coherence: Not a better pitch, and her writing was dull, but she had a relationship with the editors. Okay?]

The Second-Pass Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

“Isn’t this conference wonderful?” Helen asked now, not looking at me for a response. “I think it’s terrific how all these small businesses are thriving. It’s truly a miracle!” To Helen, everything was a fucking miracle. The way birds fly in a V-formation was a miracle. The way her long gray hair parted ever so slightly to the right—a miracle. Ice cream—a miracle. At least we agreed on that last one. “So what brings you here, Helen? Trolling for content to steal?” Jefferson handed me a couple of paper towels and shot me a look. I wiped off the ice cream, watching as Helen made no attempt to hide the smirk on her face. “I just adore your sense of humor, Frank. It’s so . . . unfiltered.” She gave her hair a quick flip with her hand as she spoke the last word. “I bet you’re upset about the Midwest Living photo spread, aren’t you?” “Why shouldn’t I be?” “Oh, poor, poor Frank! Perhaps you’re a little too sensitive to be in this business. If I ‘stole’ anything from you, it was a vague idea about some interesting places to stay that you mentioned. You didn’t have a finished piece that I copied. I just took an idea and fashioned it into a finished piece. A piece I knew would be of interest to a specific magazine. Had you pitched the same idea to Midwest Living before I did, it might have been your name on that byline instead of mine.” “I did more than just name a couple of eco-resorts. I told you the details of why they were special. Details that you included in your spread.” “Frank, those are details I would have found out very easily on my own. You didn’t offer any unique insights that no one else could possibly have made. You just observed a couple of features that anyone with a little bit of travel experience would have noticed. “But enough about that,” she said and then paused. She turned toward me and forced a smile. “I came here to relax and enjoy a mini-vacation. To taste some delicious food and be pampered. Not to lecture you on how to make a living as a travel writer.” That disclaimer was followed by that damn hair flip. “I found a lovely room in Galena at the Dent Bed and Breakfast,” she continued, perking up. “The owners, Brett and Bart, have such refined tastes! They decorate with antiques, which even someone with simpler tastes, like you, could appreciate.” She looked around the conference hall, then back at me. “For breakfast this morning they served ricotta-stuffed waffles with a lemon-raspberry compote and locally sourced pork sausage. Delightful!” She paused again. “How about you? Where are you staying?” OK, so maybe Helen didn’t technically steal content, but it sure felt like it. She’d stolen my idea, one that was more than just a casual thought. I’d talked about the angle, why those places had unusual appeal. She hadn’t got it published because she’d developed the idea into a better pitch. Her piece was just as dull as everything else she wrote. She got it in Midwest Living because she had a long-standing relationship with the editor and I didn’t.