Substantive editing sample 12:
Smoke rising

As in a play or movie, a character in a good novel doesn't just reel off a speech. He or she has physical actions that motivate that speech, and there are facial expressions and gestures that realistically accompany the speech as well. This is especially important in descriptions of a dangerous situation, such as a fire inside a crowded exhibit hall of a convention center. As an editor of fiction, I suggest insertions to provide this kind of cinematic accompaniment to dialogue. I also suggested changes to vague descriptions to make them more specific (what made the vendor displays tall?) and other changes to enhance emphasis at the end of a sentence. (In BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS, you can see how the author responded to my suggestions.) In this sample, I complimented the author on the very effective chapter-ending hook to the ensuing chapter.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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“Enough about politics. What do you want to do now?” I asked Jefferson and Ruby. “It’s been so much fun this afternoon, Frank,” Ruby said. “I haven’t had a day out like this in a while. We have a nice little bakery in Friesburg, as you know, but nothing that comes close to the food these people create. It sure is tiring, though, eating all day. I could use some rest before we go out this evening.” “That sounds like a great idea to me, too,” I said. We decided to head back to our respective rooms and meet at 6:30 in the lobby of the Ice Harbor Inn where Jefferson and Ruby were staying. “How do we get out of this place?” Ruby asked. We were somewhere in the middle of the hall from what I could tell, although the vendor displays were tall enough to block our view of the layout. “It was in that direction, I think,” Jefferson said, pointing over the root beer table, “but we should probably get out of here now. There’s smoke rising between us and the exit.”

Markup
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“Enough about politics. What do you want to do now?” I asked Jefferson and Ruby. [I broke the paragraph here. As much as possible, let’s keep each speech of each character in its own dedicated paragraph.] “It’s been so much fun this afternoon, Frank,” Ruby said. “I haven’t had a day out like this in a while. We have a nice little bakery in Friesburg, as you know, but nothing that comes close to the food these people create. It sure create.” She paused. “It sure is tiring, though, eating all day. [There is even more that could be done with that little “She paused,” which I inserted to interrupt her long speech. Think what an actor does in a play. No experienced actor would just reel off a lot of sentences without reacting to the very words she was saying or without pausing to reflect or without doing something else. Ruby might clear her throat, for example. She might scan the booths in the hall and then look back at Frank and Jefferson with a slightly pleading look. She might shrug her shoulders, or she might do something else.] I could use some rest before we go out this evening.” Before we go out this evening, I could use some rest.” [My suggested revision here is for Aristotelian emphasis: Ending on “use some rest” is more emphatic than ending on “go out this evening.”] “That sounds like a great idea to me, too,” I said. We decided to head back to our respective rooms and meet at 6:30 in at six thirty in the lobby of the Ice Harbor Inn where Inn, where Jefferson and Ruby were staying. “How do we get out of this place?” Ruby asked. We were somewhere in the middle of the hall from hall, from what I could tell, although the vendor displays the temporary walls between the vendor displays [let's be specific about what actually is “tall enough”] were tall enough to block our view of the layout. “It was in that direction, I think,” Jefferson said, pointing over the root beer table, “but we table. Then he looked serious. “But we should probably get out of here now. There’s smoke rising between us and the exit.” [There is more that could be done with that little “Then he looked serious,” which I inserted to interrupt his speech. Again, think what an actor does. First, Jefferson is scanning the booths he can see in the hall, placidly trying to remember how he and Ruby (before Frank had rejoined them) had meandered from the entrance to their present position. He thinks he has determined the direction they need to go in to reach the exit. But then, suddenly, he notices smoke. How does he react to that probable danger? Can he smell it as well as see it? Apparently, Ruby and Frank are not aware of the danger yet, so Jefferson has to convey to them the seriousness of their situation. And all of this has to be conveyed from the point of view of narrator Frank, not of Jefferson. We readers can observe the actions and behavior of Jefferson, such as his sniffing the air (that might be how he notices the smoke), but we cannot get into his head. By the way, that very last sentence of his speech is a great chapter-ending hook to the next chapter.]

The Author’s Review
in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS
Click to go to the second-pass result.

“Enough about politics. What do you want to do now?” I asked Jefferson and Ruby. [I broke the paragraph here. As much as possible, let’s keep each speech of each character in its own dedicated paragraph.] “It’s been so much fun this afternoon, Frank,” Ruby said. “I haven’t had a day out like this in a while. We have a nice little bakery in Friesburg, as you know, but nothing that comes close to the food these people create. It sure create.” She paused AND LOOKED AT THE BOOTHS AROUND US, THEN RESTED A HAND ON THE BACK OF A CHAIR.. “It sure is tiring, though, eating all day. [There is even more that could be done with that little “She paused,” which I inserted to interrupt her long speech. Think what an actor does in a play. No experienced actor would just reel off a lot of sentences without reacting to the very words she was saying or without pausing to reflect or without doing something else. Ruby might clear her throat, for example. She might scan the booths in the hall and then look back at Frank and Jefferson with a slightly pleading look. She might shrug her shoulders, or she might do something else.] I could use some rest before we go out this evening.” Before we go out this evening, I could use some rest.” [My suggested revision here is for Aristotelian emphasis: Ending on “use some rest” is more emphatic than ending on “go out this evening.”] “That sounds like a great idea to me, too,” I said. We decided to head back to our respective rooms and meet at 6:30 in at six thirty in the lobby of the Ice Harbor Inn where Inn, where Jefferson and Ruby were staying. “How do we get out of this place?” Ruby asked. We were somewhere in the middle of the hall from hall, from what I could tell, although the vendor displays the temporary walls between the vendor displays [let's be specific about what actually is “tall enough”] were tall enough to block our view of the layout. “It was in that direction, I think,” Jefferson said, pointing over the root beer table, “but we table. Then he looked serious. THEN HIS MOOD TURNED SOMBER, AND HE SCANNED THE HALL. “But we should probably get out of here now. There’s smoke rising between us and the exit.” [There is more that could be done with that little “Then he looked serious,” which I inserted to interrupt his speech. Again, think what an actor does. First, Jefferson is scanning the booths he can see in the hall, placidly trying to remember how he and Ruby (before Frank had rejoined them) had meandered from the entrance to their present position. He thinks he has determined the direction they need to go in to reach the exit. But then, suddenly, he notices smoke. How does he react to that probable danger? Can he smell it as well as see it? Apparently, Ruby and Frank are not aware of the danger yet, so Jefferson has to convey to them the seriousness of their situation. And all of this has to be conveyed from the point of view of narrator Frank, not of Jefferson. We readers can observe the actions and behavior of Jefferson, such as his sniffing the air (that might be how he notices the smoke), but we cannot get into his head. By the way, that very last sentence of his speech is a great chapter-ending hook to the next chapter.]

The Second-Pass Result
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“Enough about politics. What do you want to do now?” I asked Jefferson and Ruby. “It’s been so much fun this afternoon, Frank,” Ruby said. “I haven’t had a day out like this in a while. We have a nice little bakery in Friesburg, as you know, but nothing that comes close to the food these people create.” She paused and looked at the booths surrounding us, then rested a hand on the back of a chair. “It sure is tiring, though, eating all day. Before we go out this evening, I could use some rest.” “That sounds like a great idea to me, too,” I said. We decided to head back to our respective rooms and meet at six thirty in the lobby of the Ice Harbor Inn, where Jefferson and Ruby were staying. “How do we get out of this place?” Ruby asked. We were somewhere in the middle of the hall, from what I could tell, although the temporary walls between the vendor displays were tall enough to block our view of the layout. “It was in that direction, I think,” Jefferson said, pointing over the root beer table. Then his mood turned somber, and he scanned the hall. “But we should probably get out of here now. There’s smoke rising between us and the exit.”