Substantive editing sample 46:
A new chapter

In this memoir, I needed to establish a new chapter (that is, move text from the end of one chapter to a chapter all its own), thereby making it necessary that subsequent chapter numbers were incremented throughout the manuscript. I also eliminated redundancy, corrected some statements of fact, and suggested new text to better provide context.

In the “Result” section of this sample, you can see how the author provided some new text on the Tyee Club (subject to my copyediting), which addressed and incorporated the suggestions I brought up in the markup.

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

The last three paragraphs of Chapter 7

Other than the car dealership, there were three other major interests that occupied my dad’s attention. They were the University of Washington Huskies football team, salmon fishing, and the Skagit Valley Hospital.

Beginning in 1929 when my father graduated from the UW until he passed away in 1994, you always knew where he and Mom were on a Saturday afternoon when the Huskies had a home game. He was a member of the Tyee booster club for as long as I can remember. For decades he had four seats on the 50-yard line of Huskey Stadium.

One of the highlights of my father’s life, was when the Huskies, coached by Jim Owens, played in the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California on January 1, 1960. The Huskies had not won a berth in the Rose Bowl since 1944 and had never won a Rose Bowl game. Dad loaded the whole family, Mom, four full-sized children, and himself together with luggage for six people into a red and white 1960 Chevrolet Bel Air station wagon and we headed south on US Route 99. The rear bumper of the overloaded car barely cleared the pavement. At the time, I was 15 years old and had never seen a palm tree, much less swam in an outdoor pool in December. After the long drive to Pasadena, we arrived to watch the Huskies play the Wisconsin Badgers. The Badgers were favored by six-and-a-half points. The game was a Huskie romp, ending with a 44 to 8 victory in favor of the Dawgs. My dad was over the moon.

Chapter 8 opens, on the next page

Chapter 8: Fishing at Stuart Island, BC

In the summer of 1963, the company that provided and laundered mechanics’ overalls for our service department invited my father on a salmon fishing trip to a lodge they had to entertain customers on Stuart Island in British Columbia. This was a remote location within the beautiful inland passage that forms the eastern edge of Vancouver Island and the western shore of mainland British Columbia. Stuart Island was and remains today accessible only by boat or float plane.

My father fell in love with Stuart Island and the fabulous fishing as well as the incredible wild natural beauty of the area. Like much of the west coast of North America from the Olympic Peninsula in Washington all the way north to Southeast Alaska, the land is wild and rugged. Where the land meets the sea, the trees are dense and seemingly grow out of the rock cliffs. The underbrush is often thick with moss coloring the landscape in rich greens and browns that come all the way down to touch the water. Along the shore, grey colored sand is often off-set by bright orange starfish clinging to the rocks. Stuart Island is a magical place that sits like a cork in the mouth Bute Inlet. The inlet stretches east 50 miles into the rugged coastal mountain range of British Columbia. As every tide ebbs or flows, tens of millions of gallons of cool salt water must enter or exit Butte Inlet, moving around the narrow passages created by this island obstruction. The tidal currents run fast and furious, often in excess of ten knots. Fishing in small boats in these fast-moving waters, often on the very edge of giant whirlpools and rapids, is exciting to say the least. Only expert boaters fish these waters without a professional guide to operate the boat. At no time in my life did I ever see my father operate a boat anywhere. When my mom and dad fished in the waters around Stuart Island, they always retained a guide.

[More text of Chapter 8 . . .]

Chapter 9 opens, 3 pages later

Chapter 9: Skagit Valley Hospital

For almost forty years, Dad was deeply involved in Mount Vernon’s Skagit Valley Hospital. In 1945, Congress passed the Hill-Burton Act. This legislation provided grants to communities across the country to build new hospitals to update and expand the nation’s aging hospital network. In the early 1950s, our town of Mount Vernon, with a population of roughly 6,000, had two small antiquated wood-framed hospitals. The need for a new modern medical facility was long overdue. In 1955, my father partnered with a small handful of people in the community to organize Skagit Valley Hospital District #1 as a public entity. Dad was elected as the first chairman of the three-member board of commissioners. After securing a significant grant of Hill Burton funds conditioned on a large local contribution, a special election to obtain voter approval of a bond issue to raise the required matching funds.

[More text of Chapter 9 . . .]

Markup
Click to go to the result.

The last three paragraphs of Chapter 7 (two will move)

Other than the car dealership, there were three other major interests that occupied my dad’s attention. They were the University of Washington UW [the abbreviation was introduced ten pages earlier] Huskies football team, salmon fishing, and the Skagit Valley Hospital.

Beginning in 1929 when my father graduated from the UW until he passed away in 1994, you always knew where he and Mom were on a Saturday afternoon when the Huskies had a home game. He was a member of the Tyee booster club for as long as I can remember. For decades he had four seats on the 50-yard line of Huskey Stadium.

One of the highlights of my father’s life, was when the Huskies, coached by Jim Owens, played in the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California on January 1, 1960. The Huskies had not won a berth in the Rose Bowl since 1944 and had never won a Rose Bowl game. Dad loaded the whole family, Mom, four full-sized children, and himself together with luggage for six people into a red and white 1960 Chevrolet Bel Air station wagon and we headed south on US Route 99. The rear bumper of the overloaded car barely cleared the pavement. At the time, I was 15 years old and had never seen a palm tree, much less swam in an outdoor pool in December. After the long drive to Pasadena, we arrived to watch the Huskies play the Wisconsin Badgers. The Badgers were favored by six-and-a-half points. The game was a Huskie romp, ending with a 44 to 8 victory in favor of the Dawgs. My dad was over the moon.

[I have moved the preceding two paragraphs, which ended Chapter 7 (entitled “Walt Blade and Blade Chevrolet”), to a new chapter. The text introducing these two paragraphs—“Other than the car dealership, there were three other major interests that occupied my dad’s attention. They were the UW Huskies football team, salmon fishing, and the Skagit Valley Hospital.”—serve to preview chapters to follow, and each of the three “other major interests” deserve its own chapter. The original text had separate chapters for only the second and third major interest, salmon fishing and the Skagit Valley Hospital. Now I have set off a new chapter, new Chapter 8, specifically for the first major interest, the Huskies football team, and I have incremented the chapter numbers for the rest of the manuscript. Is this okay?]

New Chapter 8 opens on the next page

Chapter 8: The Huskies Football Team

Beginning in 1929 when my father 1929, when Dad graduated from the UW until UW, until he passed away in 1994, you always knew where he and Mom were on a Saturday afternoon when the Huskies had a home game. He was For as long as I can remember, he was a member of the Tyee booster club for as long as I can remember. club for UW alumni. [“for UW alumni” okay? A general audience needs an explanation of “Tyee booster club.” Consider inserting a sentence here to elaborate on the club and how your father benefited.] For decades he decades, he had four seats on the 50-yard line fifty-yard line of Huskey Stadium Husky Stadium.

One of the highlights of my father’s life, was life was when the Huskies, coached by Jim Owens, played in the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California on California, on January 1, 1960. The Huskies had not won a berth in the Rose Bowl since 1944 and had never won a Rose Bowl game. Dad loaded the whole family, Mom, family—Mom, four full-sized children, and himself together himself—together with luggage for six people into a red and white 1960 Chevrolet Bel Air station wagon and wagon, and we headed south on US Route U.S. Route 99. The rear bumper of the overloaded car barely cleared the pavement. At the time, I was 15 years fifteen years old and had never seen a palm tree, much less swam in an outdoor pool in December. After the long drive to Pasadena, we arrived to watch the Huskies play the Wisconsin Badgers. The Badgers were favored by six-and-a-half by six and a half points. The game was a Huskie a Husky romp, ending with a 44 to 8 a 44-to-8 victory in favor of the Dawgs. My dad was over the moon.

New Chapter 9 opens, on the next page

Chapter 8: Chapter 9: Fishing at Stuart Island, BC

In the summer of 1963, the company that provided and laundered mechanics’ laundered the mechanics’ overalls for our service department invited my father on a salmon fishing trip to a lodge they had to entertain for entertaining customers on Stuart Island in British Columbia. This was a remote location within the beautiful inland passage that forms the eastern edge of Vancouver Island and the western shore of mainland British Columbia. Stuart Island was and remains today accessible only by boat or float plane.

My father fell in love with Stuart Island and the fabulous fishing as well as the incredible wild natural beauty of the area. Like much of the west coast the western coast of North America from the Olympic Peninsula in Washington all the way north to Southeast to southeastern Alaska, the land is wild and rugged. Where the land meets the sea, the trees are dense and seemingly grow out of the rock cliffs. The underbrush is often thick with moss coloring moss, coloring the landscape in rich greens and browns that come all the way down to touch the water. Along the shore, grey colored sand gray sand is often off-set by offset by bright orange starfish clinging to the rocks. Stuart Island is a magical place that sits like a cork in the mouth Bute mouth of Bute Inlet. The inlet stretches east 50 miles fifty miles into the rugged coastal mountain range of British Columbia. As every tide ebbs or flows, tens of millions of gallons of cool salt water cool saltwater must enter or exit Butte Inlet, Bute Inlet, moving around the narrow passages created by this island obstruction. The tidal currents run fast and furious, often in excess of ten knots. Fishing in small boats in these fast-moving waters, these waters, [redundancy repair] often on the very edge of giant whirlpools and rapids, is exciting to exciting, to say the least. Only expert boaters fish these waters without a professional guide to operate the boat. At no time in my life did I ever see my father operate a boat anywhere. When my mom and dad fished in the waters around Stuart Island, they always retained a guide.

[More text of Chapter 9 . . .]

New Chapter 10 opens, 3 pages later

Chapter 9: Chapter 10: Skagit Valley Hospital

For almost forty years, Dad was deeply involved in Mount Vernon’s Skagit Valley Hospital. In 1945, In 1946, [correction according to Wikipedia] Congress passed Congress had passed the Hill-Burton Act. This legislation provided grants to communities across the country to build new hospitals to update and expand the nation’s aging hospital network. In the early 1950s, our town of Mount Vernon, with a population of roughly 6,000, roughly six thousand, had two small antiquated small, antiquated wood-framed hospitals. The need for a new modern a new, modern medical facility was long overdue. In 1955, [should this be 1954? in Part Two, your father has this: “I’m a charter member of the board of commissioners of Skagit Valley Hospital District 1. We formed the board in ’54”] my father partnered with a small handful of people in the community to organize Skagit Valley Hospital District #1 District 1 as a public entity. Dad was elected as the first chairman of the three-member board of commissioners. After securing a They secured a significant grant of Hill Burton funds conditioned Hill-Burton funds, conditioned on a large local contribution, a contribution: a special election to obtain voter approval of a bond issue to raise the required matching funds.

[More text of Chapter 10 . . .]

Result (after the author had reviewed the markup and addressed outstanding comments and queries)
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

The new final paragraph of Chapter 7

Other than the car dealership, there were three other major interests that occupied my dad’s attention. They were the UW Huskies football team, salmon fishing, and the Skagit Valley Hospital.

New Chapter 8 opens on the next page

Chapter 8: The Huskies Football Team

Beginning in 1929, when Dad graduated from the UW, until he passed away in 1994, you always knew where he and Mom were on a Saturday afternoon when the Huskies had a home game. For as long as I can remember, he was a member of the Tyee booster club for UW alumni. For decades, the Tyee Club provided fan and financial support for Husky football and, in return, always had great seats for home games, grandfathered year after year, as well as preferred seating at away games and those occasions when the Huskies played a bowl game. For decades, Dad had four seats on the fifty-yard line of Husky Stadium.

One of the highlights of my father’s life was when the Huskies, coached by Jim Owens, played in the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California, on January 1, 1960. The Huskies had not won a berth in the Rose Bowl since 1944 and had never won a Rose Bowl game. Dad loaded the whole family—Mom, four full-sized children, and himself—together with luggage for six people into a red and white 1960 Chevrolet Bel Air station wagon, and we headed south on U.S. Route 99. The rear bumper of the overloaded car barely cleared the pavement. At the time, I was fifteen years old and had never seen a palm tree, much less swam in an outdoor pool in December. After the long drive to Pasadena, we arrived to watch the Huskies play the Wisconsin Badgers. The Badgers were favored by six and a half points. The game was a Husky romp, ending with a 44-to-8 victory in favor of the Dawgs. My dad was over the moon.

New Chapter 9 opens, on the next page

Chapter 9: Fishing at Stuart Island, BC

In the summer of 1963, the company that provided and laundered the mechanics’ overalls for our service department invited my father on a salmon fishing trip to a lodge they had for entertaining customers on Stuart Island in British Columbia. This was a remote location within the beautiful inland passage that forms the eastern edge of Vancouver Island and the western shore of mainland British Columbia. Stuart Island was and remains today accessible only by boat or float plane.

My father fell in love with Stuart Island and the fabulous fishing as well as the incredible wild natural beauty of the area. Like much of the western coast of North America from the Olympic Peninsula in Washington all the way north to southeastern Alaska, the land is wild and rugged. Where the land meets the sea, the trees are dense and seemingly grow out of the rock cliffs. The underbrush is often thick with moss, coloring the landscape in rich greens and browns that come all the way down to touch the water. Along the shore, gray sand is often offset by bright orange starfish clinging to the rocks. Stuart Island is a magical place that sits like a cork in the mouth of Bute Inlet. The inlet stretches east fifty miles into the rugged coastal mountain range of British Columbia. As every tide ebbs or flows, tens of millions of gallons of cool saltwater must enter or exit Bute Inlet, moving around the narrow passages created by this island obstruction. The tidal currents run fast and furious, often in excess of ten knots. Fishing in small boats in these waters, often on the very edge of giant whirlpools and rapids, is exciting, to say the least. Only expert boaters fish these waters without a professional guide to operate the boat. At no time in my life did I ever see my father operate a boat anywhere. When my mom and dad fished in the waters around Stuart Island, they always retained a guide.

[More text of Chapter 9 . . .]

New Chapter 10 opens, 3 pages later

Chapter 10: Skagit Valley Hospital

For almost forty years, Dad was deeply involved in Mount Vernon’s Skagit Valley Hospital. In 1946, Congress had passed the Hill-Burton Act. This legislation provided grants to communities across the country to build new hospitals to update and expand the nation’s aging hospital network. In the early 1950s, our town of Mount Vernon, with a population of roughly six thousand, had two small, antiquated wood-framed hospitals. The need for a new, modern medical facility was long overdue. In 1954, my father partnered with a small handful of people in the community to organize Skagit Valley Hospital District 1 as a public entity. Dad was elected as the first chairman of the three-member board of commissioners. They secured a significant grant of Hill-Burton funds, conditioned on a large local contribution: a special election to obtain voter approval of a bond issue to raise the required matching funds.

[More text of Chapter 10 . . .]

 

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