Substantive editing sample 45:
His genetic match

In this science fiction short story set well into the future (when the state mandates “genetic pairing” to replenish the dwindling human population) and far out at the edge of the solar system, I suggested more precise word choice as well as new text to reinforce the otherworldly mood of this scene. I justified suggested revisions with the Aristotelian principles of emphasis and coherence. I suggested breaking up long speeches (resembling the tedium of “talking heads”) with short cinematic actions that revealed something intrinsic to the character. I also suggested ways to subtly insert into the exposition (or even the dialogue) tiny bits of education for readers unfamiliar with astronomical facts about the outer solar system (pointing out that readers might need a refresher on the Kuiper Belt, for instance).

In the “Result” section of this sample, you can see how the author provided some new text (subject to my copyediting), which addressed and incorporated the suggestions I brought up in the markup. He did not accept every suggestion, however (again, they were only suggestions); for example, he was not concerned that the phrase “into the world” might need character Claire’s ironic commentary (considering that “the world” is an Earth-based term without concrete relevance in the characters’ environment).

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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We’re scheduled for overhaul in one month. And you’ll be paired with one of three men to bring a child into the world while the ship is in the extended repair docking. Captain Claire Dubois shook the thoughts out of her mind. Denial was a more pleasant course of action. Or at least more acceptable. Being born in the Kuiper Belt meant that some old Earth terms were lost on her. A month was a standard unit of time for 28 days but even that was loosely based on an Earth concept of time that didn’t apply in the Kuiper Belt. The idea of a day, which was 24 hours long and composed of 60 minutes of 60 seconds each was pointless out in the belt, where the sun’s light barely reached and they were as likely to deal with Jupiter’s gravitational pull than the sun’s. “You heard me, right?” asked Reginald, her exec. He was the only robot on the crew. Good officer, but old, having come from Earth itself before the invasion. His servos and wiring desperately needed replacement, but some of the fine-tuning had been lost after the war, so Reginald, and others like him, were left to carry on as best they could. “I heard you.” “I think you should go with Malcom,” said Reginald. “He’s definitely attractive.” The robot shook its head, making a slight grinding noise. “It has nothing to do with attractiveness,” he said. “Malcom is very smart – like understanding nuclear physics smart – and is strong as well. You should count yourself lucky to be his genetic match.” “It isn’t about that,” she answered. “Then one of the other two?” asked the robot. “They are matches as well, and each has his strengths.” Now it was her turn to shake her head. She floated her empty coffee bulb to him for recycling. “It’s about me, not the guys. I just don’t want to have another baby.” “It’s your duty.” “Killing enemy ships is my duty,” she argued. “Not when your ship is in dry dock.” Claire laughed at Reginald’s use of another Earth-based term that had no bearing in the belt. “I know,” he said. “Very funny. Got it. But you need to take this seriously.” “Right. Survival of the species, blah, blah, got it.” “There are only a few thousand humans left,” he said, looking as stern as his mechanics would allow.

Markup
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We’re scheduled for overhaul in one month. And you’ll be paired And while the ship is in the extended repair extended-repair docking, you’ll be paired with one of three men to bring a child into the world while the ship is in the extended repair docking child into the world. [(1) Suggested revision for Aristotelian emphasis and coherence: “bring a child into the world” is more emphatic than “extended-repair docking,” and the end of a sentence is where a reader’s mind expects emphasis. Coherence requires sentences to begin with given information and end with new information, and each succeeding sentence’s given information to be an elaboration of the preceding sentence’s new information. The phrase “in one month” is new information in the first sentence, and best coherence requires the given information in the second sentence to build on that first sentence's new information (“while the ship is in extended-repair docking” elaborates on “in one month” and is therefore the given information of the second sentence). The clause “you’ll be paired with one of three men to bring a child into the world” does not elaborate on “in one month”; in fact, it is a different subject entirely; it is the second sentence’s new information. But the third sentence’s given information (in the next paragraph), “Captain Clair Dubois,” identifies the “you” (in the “you’ll”) of the second sentence's new information, but it is an entirely different subject from “while the ship is in extended-repair docking,” In other words, with Aristotelian coherence, you put at the beginning of a sentence (or a scene or a chapter or a book) ideas that you have already stated, referred to, or implied—ideas that you can safely assume your reader is familiar with and will readily recognize. You put at the end of your sentence (or scene or chapter or book) the newest, the most surprising, the most significant information—information you want to stress (emphasize), perhaps the information that you will expand on in the next sentence. With Aristotelian coherence, you give the readers a familiar context to help them move from the more familiar to the less familiar, from the known to the unknown. (2) Is “into the world” a meaningful expression in this environment? What is “the world” in the Kuiper Belt? (3) I broke the paragraph here; each “person” gets his or her own paragraph.] Captain Claire Dubois shook the thoughts out of her mind. Denial was a more pleasant course of action. Or at least more acceptable. [Consider repeating the first sentence of the scene, to set up Clair's ruminations on the meaning of Earth-based time spans—but this second time, the reader would encounter the sentence within quotation marks and not italic: “We’re scheduled for overhaul in one month.”] Being born in the Kuiper Belt meant [(1) consider changing “Belt meant” to “Belt, the trans-Neptunian region of icy dwarf planets and comets each of whose distance from the Sun was more than thirty times that of Earth’s, meant” (or other words you deem are better to provide a tiny bit of education to readers who might not be familiar with, or who might need a refresher on, the Kuiper Belt); (2) I have capitalized “Sun” (as you do for “Earth”), which conveys some preciousness these Kuiper Belt residents might feel toward that distant home star—okay? (I realize that once in the manuscript you use the official name, “Sol”)] that some old Earth terms [consider changing “some old Earth terms” to “some time-honored Earth terms” of “some ancient Earth terms”] were lost on her. A month was A “month” was a standard unit of time for 28 days for twenty-eight days, but even that was loosely based on an Earth concept of time that didn’t apply in the Kuiper Belt. The idea of a day, a “day,” which was 24 hours long and composed of 60 minutes of 60 seconds each was twenty-four hours long, where each of those “hours” was composed of sixty “minutes” of sixty “seconds” each, was pointless out in the belt, where the sun’s light out here in the Belt, [okay to capitalize this shortcut term for “the Kuiper Belt”?] where the Sun’s light barely reached and they were reached, rendering the concept of “daylight” absurd, [insertion of the preceding six words okay? (elaborating on the pointlessness of the term “day” specifically because of the weakness of the distant Sun’s light)?] and where they [(1) consider changing “where they” to “where, to dispense with the Earth-based concept of “year,” they” (the Sun’s gravitational pull on Kuiper Belt objects has to do with their orbit, clearly around the Sun and taking hundreds of Earth years, which might be distorted by Jupiter—but the orbit is still around the Sun, not around Jupiter); anyway, my suggested insertion is to make the rest of the sentence (“were as likely to deal with Jupiter’s gravitational pull as with the Sun’s”) relevant, whereas those words were not relevant to the earlier parts of the sentence, dealing with months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds; (2) consider inserting after “they” the parenthetical elaboration “(Claire and her colleagues)” or “(Claire and her comrades)” to identify the referent of the pronoun “they”—see my comment at the end of the sentence] were as likely to deal with Jupiter’s gravitational pull than the sun’s. pull as with the Sun’s. [So here is my complete revised paragraph: “We’re scheduled for overhaul in one month.” Being born in the Kuiper Belt, the trans-Neptunian region of icy dwarf planets and comets each of whose distance from the Sun was more than thirty times that of Earth’s, meant that some ancient Earth terms were lost on her. A “month” was a standard unit of time for twenty-eight days, but even that was loosely based on an Earth concept of time that didn’t apply in the Kuiper Belt. The idea of a “day,” which was twenty-four hours long, where each of those “hours” was composed of sixty “minutes” of sixty “seconds” each, was pointless out here in the Belt, where the Sun’s light barely reached, rendering the concept of “daylight” absurd, and where, to dispense with the Earth-based concept of “year,” they (Claire and her comrades) were as likely to deal with Jupiter’s gravitational pull as with the Sun’s.] “You heard me, right?” asked Reginald, her exec. He was the only robot on the crew. Good officer, but old, having come from Earth itself before the invasion the Invasion. [Okay? Capitalization to make it a historic, catastrophic event, not just an ordinary “invasion.”] His servos and wiring desperately needed replacement, but some of the fine-tuning had been lost after the war, [maybe this should be “war”?] so Reginald, and others like him, were left to carry on as best they could. “I heard you.” “I think you should go with Malcom,” said Reginald. with Malcom.” [(1) “said Reginald” is unnecessary here (with the identities of the speakers in this short back and forth clearly established); also, when we can, whenever possible, make a dialogue paragraph end with an uttered word rather than descriptive (and in this case unnecessary) exposition, the speech can “echo” in the reader’s mind. (2) Consider changing “Malcom” to the more conventional spelling, “Malcolm”; let me know and if you agree, I will make the change throughout during the second pass.] “He’s definitely attractive.” The robot shook its head, shook his head, [Reginald has been gendered with “he” and “his” and “him”, so let’s not neuter him here] making a slight grinding noise. “It has nothing to do with attractiveness,” he said. “Malcom is very smart – like understanding smart—as in ‘understanding nuclear physics smart – and physics’ smart—and is strong as well. You should count yourself lucky to be his genetic match.” “It isn’t about that,” she answered. [Consider revising here with a short phrase or sentence of cinematic action, to avoid this dialogue dwindling into an exchange of “talking heads.” Describe some character-revealing action on her part (such as “It isn’t about that.” She shifted in her seat.) or even a grimace (such as “It isn’t about that.” Her brow was furrowed.)] “Then one of the other two?” asked the robot. [Same thing here: Consider “asked the robot, gazing directly into her face.” Or something else. (In this manuscript I will often be suggesting that you interrupt speeches with cinematic description like this.)] “They are matches as well, and each has his strengths.” Now it was her turn to shake her head. She floated her empty coffee bulb to him for recycling. “It’s about me, not the guys. I just don’t want to have another baby.” “It’s your duty.” “Killing enemy ships is my duty,” she argued. “Not when your ship is in dry dock in drydock.” Claire laughed at Reginald’s use of another Earth-based term that had no bearing in the belt. the Belt, where all docks were dry. [Revision okay?] “I know,” he said. “Very funny. Got it. [Consider a cinematic interruption of his speech here (Claire’s POV). (In the second pass, I will take care of fixing the quotation marks in both the interrupted speech and the resumed speech.)] But you need to take this seriously.” “Right. Survival of the species, blah, blah, got it species, blah blah. Got it.” “There are only a few thousand humans left,” he said, looking as stern as his mechanics would allow.

Result (after the author had reviewed the markup and addressed my queries)
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We’re scheduled for overhaul in one month. And while the ship is in the extended-repair docking, you’ll be paired with one of three men to bring a child into the world. Captain Claire Dubois shook the thoughts out of her mind. Denial was a more pleasant course of action. Or at least more acceptable. “We’re scheduled for overhaul in one month.” Being born in the Kuiper Belt, the trans-Neptunian region of icy dwarf planets and comets each of whose distance from the Sun was more than thirty times that of Earth’s, meant that some ancient Earth terms were lost on her. A “month” was a standard unit of time for twenty-eight days, but even that was loosely based on an Earth concept of time that didn’t apply in the Kuiper Belt. The idea of a “day,” which was twenty-four hours long, where each of those “hours” was composed of sixty “minutes” of sixty “seconds” each, was pointless out here in the Belt, where the Sun’s light barely reached, rendering the concept of “daylight” absurd, and where, to dispense with the Earth-based concept of “year,” they (Claire and her comrades) were as likely to deal with Jupiter’s gravitational pull as with the Sun’s. “You heard me, right?” asked Reginald, her exec. He was the only robot on the crew. Good officer, but old, having come from Earth itself before the Invasion. His servos and wiring desperately needed replacement, but some of the fine-tuning had been lost after the War, so Reginald, and others like him, were left to carry on as best they could. “I heard you.” “I think you should go with Malcolm.” “He’s definitely attractive.” The robot shook his head, making a slight grinding noise. “It has nothing to do with attractiveness,” he said. “Malcom is very smart—as in ‘understanding nuclear physics’ smart—and is strong as well. You should count yourself lucky to be his genetic match.” “It isn’t about that,” she answered. She considered a memory, one that, after almost five years, seemed more like a fading dream because it had grown fuzzy around the edges. The memory of a son. “Then one of the other two?” asked the robot. He stood and took a step toward the recycler. “They are matches as well, and each has his strengths.” Now it was her turn to shake her head. She floated her empty coffee bulb to him for recycling. “It’s about me, not the guys. I just don’t want to have another baby.” “It’s your duty.” “Killing enemy ships is my duty,” she argued. “Not when your ship is in drydock.” Claire laughed at Reginald’s use of another Earth-based term that had no bearing in the Belt, where all docks were dry. “I know,” he said. “Very funny. Got it.” He returned to his seat at the mess decks table, clicking and clacking against the deck with each step. Clair briefly envied his ability to move more freely on the float. Must be nice to have your mag boots built into your body and not have to go through the awkward learning phase. “Claire,” he continued, “you need to take this seriously.” “Right. Survival of the species, blah blah. Got it.” “There are only a few thousand humans left,” he said, looking as stern as his mechanics would allow.