Substantive editing sample 47:
Strong bond

In this memoir, I rearranged the text to impose a coherent chronological order. I also eliminated redundancy.

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Original
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From day one, Alice’s mother Joan and I formed a strong bond. She had a warm, friendly personality and apparently, I checked all the boxes as a prospective husband for her daughter. I loved her Dutch cooking, and Alice and I often had dinner with her at her home on the farm. Hachee, a beef and onion stew, was perhaps my favorite. But her Dutch meatballs were also outstanding, and although I generally dislike vegetables, her boiled romaine seasoned with nutmeg was delicious. As they say, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. A few years after Alice and I were married, Joan sold the farm and bought a home across the street from Alice and me, and her granddaughters, Becky and Brandi. By the mid-1990’s Joan began to suffer from dementia. We were able to keep her living in her home with full-time care, and she passed away peacefully in 1996. Toward the end, Joan didn’t normally remember any of our names. However, at the end of a visit Alice and I made after we had moved to Oklahoma, just as we were saying goodbye, Joan turned to me a said, “Karl, come back and see me again soon.” She did not remember Alice’s name, but Joan and I had a special relationship. Alice was not pleased.

In 1973, a few months after Alice and I were married, her now widowed mother decided to downsize from the 28- foot Condor motorhome Henry had purchased to something she was comfortable driving. At the time, our dealership sold campers and small motorhomes based on a Chevrolet van cab-and-chassis. We thought that an 18-foot Chinook motorhome might just be the perfect motorhome for her. After considering the choices, Joan decided that this Chinook model was too small. She upgraded her order to the Chinook 22 ft. motorhome. It did not take me long to figure out that if Blade Chevrolet was selling full-sized motorhomes, Alice and I could justify a “demonstrator.” GMAC provided the financing for our vehicle inventory, and that included our first motorhome. But we still did not stock any RVs other than the campers and small Class Cs. But that was about to quickly radically change.

Markup
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From day one, Alice’s mother Joan and mother and I formed a strong bond. She had Joan had a warm, friendly personality and personality, and apparently, I checked all the boxes as a prospective husband for her daughter. I loved her Dutch cooking, and Alice and I often had dinner with her at dinner at her home on the farm. Hachee, a beef Hachée, her beef and onion stew, was perhaps my favorite. But her Dutch meatballs were also outstanding, and although I generally dislike vegetables, her boiled romaine seasoned with nutmeg was delicious. As they say, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. [I moved the rest of this paragraph to the end of the chapter, as its own paragraph—to keep the chronology straight. Okay?] A few years after Alice and I were married, Joan sold the farm and bought a home across the street from Alice and me, and her granddaughters, Becky and Brandi. By the mid-1990’s Joan began to suffer from dementia. We were able to keep her living in her home with full-time care, and she passed away peacefully in 1996. Toward the end, Joan didn’t normally remember any of our names. However, at the end of a visit Alice and I made after we had moved to Oklahoma, just as we were saying goodbye, Joan turned to me a said, “Karl, come back and see me again soon.” She did not remember Alice’s name, but Joan and I had a special relationship. Alice was not pleased.

In 1973, a few months after Alice and I were married, her now widowed mother decided to downsize from the 28- foot twenty-eight-foot Condor motorhome Henry had purchased to something she was comfortable driving. At the time, our dealership sold campers and small motorhomes based on a Chevrolet van cab-and-chassis. We thought that an 18-foot Chinook motorhome might eighteen-foot Chinook might just be the perfect motorhome for her. After considering the choices, Joan decided that this Chinook model was too small. She upgraded her order to the Chinook 22 ft. motorhome. Chinook twenty-two-foot motorhome. It did not take me long to figure out that if Blade Chevrolet was selling full-sized motorhomes, Alice and I could justify a “demonstrator.” GMAC provided General Motors Acceptance Corporation (GMAC) provided the financing for our vehicle inventory, and that included our first motorhome. But we still did not stock any RVs other than the campers and small Class Cs. But that was That was about to quickly radically change. [redundancy repair] to radically change, however (see chapter 20). [The cross-reference to the next chapter is necessary; otherwise, the hint that a radical change is imminent will leave the reader hanging.]

[Again, I moved the following text to this position from where it was. Chronologically, it belongs here, to close out the chapter.] A few years after Alice and I were married, years later, [there is no reason to repeat “after Alice and I were married” (this has already been established at the beginning of the preceding paragraph)] Joan sold the farm and bought a home across the street from Alice and me, and me and her granddaughters, and our daughters, Becky and Brandi. By the mid-1990’s Joan the mid-1990s, Joan began to suffer from dementia. We were able to keep her living in her home with full-time care, and she passed away peacefully in 1996. Toward the end, Joan didn’t she didn’t normally remember any of our names. However, at the end of a visit Alice and I made after we had moved to Oklahoma, just as we were saying goodbye, Joan turned to me a said, me and said, “Karl, come back and see me again soon.” She did not remember Alice’s name, but Joan and I had I still had a special relationship. Alice was Needless to say, though, Alice not pleased.

Result (after the author had reviewed the markup and addressed outstanding comments and queries)
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From day one, Alice’s mother and I formed a strong bond. Joan had a warm, friendly personality, and apparently, I checked all the boxes as a prospective husband for her daughter. I loved her Dutch cooking, and Alice and I often had dinner at her home on the farm. Hachée, her beef and onion stew, was perhaps my favorite. But her Dutch meatballs were also outstanding, and although I generally dislike vegetables, her boiled romaine seasoned with nutmeg was delicious. As they say, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

In 1973, a few months after Alice and I were married, her now widowed mother decided to downsize from the twenty-eight-foot Condor motorhome Henry had purchased to something she was comfortable driving. At the time, our dealership sold campers and small motorhomes based on a Chevrolet van cab-and-chassis. We thought that an eighteen-foot Chinook might just be the perfect motorhome for her. After considering the choices, Joan decided that this Chinook model was too small. She upgraded her order to the Chinook twenty-two-foot motorhome. It did not take me long to figure out that if Blade Chevrolet was selling full-sized motorhomes, Alice and I could justify a “demonstrator.” General Motors Acceptance Corporation (GMAC) provided the financing for our vehicle inventory, and that included our first motorhome. But we still did not stock any RVs other than the campers and small Class Cs. That was about to radically change, however (see chapter 20).

A few years later, Joan sold the farm and bought a home across the street from Alice and me and our daughters, Becky and Brandi. By the mid-1990s, Joan began to suffer from dementia. We were able to keep her living in her home with full-time care, and she passed away peacefully in 1996. Toward the end, she didn’t normally remember any of our names. However, at the end of a visit Alice and I made after we had moved to Oklahoma, just as we were saying goodbye, Joan turned to me and said, “Karl, come back and see me again soon.” She did not remember Alice’s name, but Joan and I still had a special relationship. Needless to say, though, Alice not pleased.

 

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