Copyediting sample 2:
Gangster escapades

This mystery novel includes some tongue-in-cheek vignettes from early-twentieth-century gangster history. The author uses a humorous elevated tone (for example, “pulling out a thirty-two-caliber Colt revolver and politely suggesting that Ramser leave” and Ramser being “irritated by the hole in his hand,” caused by having been shot there), and I retained that tone by suggesting that “ending the dispute” be changed to the more elevated “concluding the dispute.” More significantly, I needed to revise the syntax for precise clarity and emphasis, and I questioned events “in early fall” that illogically preceded a showdown on September 21, the beginning of fall.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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Looney went back to running stories in the News for the pure joy of soiling the reputations of his enemies, like Wilmerton, but he occasionally engaged his creative side by running exposés that were completely fictional. It was a clever ways to add to his bottom line. After an article had been written, he would contact the involved parties and offer to withhold publication of the story in exchange for a modest kill fee. He ran some stories, though, simply to protect his own interests. In early fall of 1911, Looney published a piece accusing the Schrivers (Harry was mayor) and Ramsers of running a nude beach on the Rock River, just below and within sight of Looney’s Bel Air mansion. Looney also singled out for abuse Dina Ramser, a vice cop in Rock Island who had been trying to persuade some of Looney’s call girls to go in a different direction with their careers. Looney was pressuring the mayor and vice cops to back off, but the personal tone of the articles didn’t endear him to the Shrivers or the Ramsers. On September 21, Looney and Jake Ramser went to the same barber shop at the same time for a shave—by chance apparently. Ramser demanded to know what Looney had against him. Looney responded by pulling out a .32 caliber Colt revolver and politely suggesting that Ramser leave. The barbers and patrons took the hint and got out right away but Ramser didn’t; he insisted that since he had come in the back door, he was going to leave through the back door. To ease any confusion about which door he was talking about, Ramser pointed toward the exit with his right hand, momentarily distracting Looney. As Ramser grabbed Looney’s gun with his left hand, Looney fired, piercing Ramser’s palm with a bullet. Ramser was undoubtedly irritated by the hole in his hand, and he was bigger and much stronger than Looney, who needed the gun to compensate for his slight build and skeletal arms. Ramser wrestled the gun away from Looney, then proceeded to smash Looney’s face repeatedly with the butt of the pistol. Looney fell to the ground and Ramser sat on top of him, continuing to pound away, splattering blood all around the barber shop. Looney’s cries for help were ignored by customers, barbers, and other curious folk who had gathered to watch the spectacle. The whipping didn’t diminish Ramser’s rage, and he was on the verge of ending the dispute with Looney—permanently. He pointed the gun at Looney’s head, steadied his hand, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. Two more times he pulled the trigger but again the gun didn’t fire. Looney lived another day only because Ramser wasn’t familiar with that type of Colt revolver and didn’t know that he needed to release the safety to shoot. Unable to finish him off, Ramser instead demanded that Looney publicly retract the accusations that were published in the News. Looney agreed, repeating his assent more loudly a second time so the crowd nearby could hear it, too. At that point, Ramser was satisfied, or just worn out, so he got up and off Looney, allowing the gangster to scurry out the door. Looney wasn’t deterred by one near-death experience, however. He would continue to run provocative stories in his paper, and some of those pieces were upsetting enough that the subjects tracked Looney down and gave him another good beating.

Markup
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Looney went back to running stories in the News for the pure joy of soiling the reputations of his enemies, like Wilmerton, such as Wilmerton, but he occasionally engaged his creative side by running exposés that were completely fictional. It was a clever ways to clever way to add to his bottom line. After an article had been written, he would contact the involved parties and offer to withhold publication of the story in exchange for a modest kill fee. He ran some stories, though, simply to protect his own interests. In early fall of 1911, In the late summer of 1911, [change OK? the next paragraph describes an event on “September 21,” which is generally considered the beginning of fall (the autumn equinox), so “early fall” would not yet have begun when the events of this paragraph occurred] Looney published a piece accusing the Schrivers (Harry was (Harry Schriver was mayor) and Ramsers of running a nude beach on the Rock River, just below and within sight of Looney’s Bel Air mansion. Looney also singled out for abuse Dina Ramser, a vice cop in Rock Island who had been trying to persuade some of Looney’s call girls to go in a different direction with their careers. Looney was pressuring was only pressuring [“only” is needed here to justify the later “but”; “only” suggests that the “pressuring” was a motive that Looney might have perceived (or wanted others to perceive) as mild, whereas the “personal tone of the articles” belied any mildness] the mayor and vice cops to back off, but the personal tone of the articles didn’t endear him to the Shrivers the Schrivers or the Ramsers. On September 21, Looney and Jake Ramser went to the same barber shop at the same time for a shave—by chance apparently. chance, apparently. Ramser demanded to know what Looney had against him. Looney responded by pulling out a .32 caliber Colt a thirty-two-caliber [you spelled out the caliber number in chapter 26] Colt revolver and politely suggesting that Ramser leave. The barbers and patrons and other patrons took the hint and got out right away but away, but Ramser didn’t; he insisted that since he had come in the in through the back door, he was going to leave through the back door. To ease any confusion about which door he was talking about, Ramser pointed toward the exit with his right hand, momentarily distracting Looney. As Ramser grabbed Looney’s gun with his left hand, Looney fired, piercing Ramser’s palm with a bullet. Ramser was undoubtedly irritated by the hole in his hand, and he was bigger and much stronger than Looney, who needed the gun to compensate for his slight build and skeletal arms. Ramser wrestled the gun away the pistol away from Looney, then proceeded to smash Looney and then, with the butt, proceeded to smash Looney’s face repeatedly with the butt of the pistol. face. [Suggested revision for Aristotelian emphasis: “smash Looney’s face” is more emphatic than “with the butt of the pistol” (the sentence’s end is the best place for emphasis)] Looney fell to the ground and ground, and Ramser sat on top of him, continuing to pound away, splattering blood all around the barber shop. Looney’s cries for help were ignored by customers, barbers, and other curious folk who had gathered to watch the spectacle. The whipping didn’t diminish Ramser’s rage, and he was on the verge of ending the dispute concluding the dispute with Looney—permanently. He pointed Ramser pointed the gun at Looney’s head, steadied his hand, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. Two more times he pulled the trigger but again the trigger, but again, the gun didn’t fire. Looney lived another day only because Ramser wasn’t familiar with that type of Colt revolver and didn’t revolver; he didn’t know that he needed that in order to shoot, he needed to release the safety to shoot. safety. Unable to finish him off, Ramser instead demanded that Looney publicly retract the accusations that were published that had been published in the News. Looney agreed, repeating his assent more loudly a second time so the so that the crowd nearby could hear it, too. At that point, Ramser was satisfied, or just worn out, so he got up and off Looney, allowing the gangster to scurry out the door. Looney wasn’t deterred by one by this one near-death experience, however. He would continue to run provocative stories in his paper, and some of those pieces were upsetting enough that the subjects tracked Looney down tracked him down and gave him another good beating.

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

Looney went back to running stories in the News for the pure joy of soiling the reputations of his enemies, such as Wilmerton, but he occasionally engaged his creative side by running exposés that were completely fictional. It was a clever way to add to his bottom line. After an article had been written, he would contact the involved parties and offer to withhold publication of the story in exchange for a modest kill fee. He ran some stories, though, simply to protect his own interests. In the late summer of 1911, Looney published a piece accusing the Schrivers (Harry Schriver was mayor) and Ramsers of running a nude beach on the Rock River, just below and within sight of Looney’s Bel Air mansion. Looney also singled out for abuse Dina Ramser, a vice cop in Rock Island who had been trying to persuade some of Looney’s call girls to go in a different direction with their careers. Looney was only pressuring the mayor and vice cops to back off, but the personal tone of the articles didn’t endear him to the Schrivers or the Ramsers. On September 21, Looney and Jake Ramser went to the same barber shop at the same time for a shave—by chance, apparently. Ramser demanded to know what Looney had against him. Looney responded by pulling out a thirty-two-caliber Colt revolver and politely suggesting that Ramser leave. The barbers and other patrons took the hint and got out right away, but Ramser didn’t; he insisted that since he had come in through the back door, he was going to leave through the back door. To ease any confusion about which door he was talking about, Ramser pointed toward the exit with his right hand, momentarily distracting Looney. As Ramser grabbed Looney’s gun with his left hand, Looney fired, piercing Ramser’s palm with a bullet. Ramser was undoubtedly irritated by the hole in his hand, and he was bigger and much stronger than Looney, who needed the gun to compensate for his slight build and skeletal arms. Ramser wrestled the pistol away from Looney and then, with the butt, proceeded to smash Looney’s face. Looney fell to the ground, and Ramser sat on top of him, continuing to pound away, splattering blood all around the barber shop. Looney’s cries for help were ignored by customers, barbers, and other curious folk who had gathered to watch the spectacle. The whipping didn’t diminish Ramser’s rage, and he was on the verge of concluding the dispute with Looney—permanently. Ramser pointed the gun at Looney’s head, steadied his hand, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. Two more times he pulled the trigger, but again, the gun didn’t fire. Looney lived another day only because Ramser wasn’t familiar with that type of Colt revolver; he didn’t know that in order to shoot, he needed to release the safety. Unable to finish him off, Ramser instead demanded that Looney publicly retract the accusations that had been published in the News. Looney agreed, repeating his assent more loudly a second time so that the crowd nearby could hear it, too. At that point, Ramser was satisfied, or just worn out, so he got up and off Looney, allowing the gangster to scurry out the door. Looney wasn’t deterred by this one near-death experience, however. He would continue to run provocative stories in his paper, and some of those pieces were upsetting enough that the subjects tracked him down and gave him another good beating.