Substantive editing sample 23:
The debriefing

Long, uninterrupted speeches smack of “talking heads” and tend to be boring. An editor can help an author liven up the dialogue by suggesting some cinematic action to interrupt such speeches. In this sample, you can see how the author responded (in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS ) to my suggestions. (You can also see how the author rejected some suggestions; the author is always the boss.)

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

“What did you do the rest of the day yesterday?” “The Larsens had me over for lunch. Thanks again for making that introduction. They sure know a lot about who’s screwing who, figuratively. You could have given me a heads up that they were vegetarian.” “But you like vegetables, Frank!” she said, taking a big bite out of a bacon cheddar scone. “It was good, anyway; delicious. They know how to cook. I think I got a good overview on the bigger issues… the money, the threats to the land, some of the basic conflicts. It was helpful, will be helpful for what I’m doing next,” I said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Just tell her already, Frank,” Jefferson said. “Fine.” I picked at the cranberry muffin in front of me. “I finished the tourism article, then got an idea for another piece, one that would take a deep dive into how the sand mining boom is changing communities and relationships around here.” I glanced at Che, then looked around the coffeeshop. “I sent a pitch to American Life and got a response almost right away. They said yes!” I nearly jumped out of my chair. So much for acting cool. “Congratulations, Frank!” Che said. “I had to talk to the editor on the phone first, to convince her that I was up for the assignment, but that obviously went well.” “Now you’re going to have to do some real work. I suppose you’re going to ask me to help you again.” “Maybe. Probably. I’ve made a good start at compiling a list of people I want to interview, so I’ll be starting with them today. I’ve only got until Tuesday to submit a draft, so I can’t waste time,” I said. “That’s pretty fast, but you can do it,” Che said. “Just don’t be surprised if you run into resistance.” She took a sip of coffee. “There are a lot of reporters running around asking questions right now. A lot of people find reporters to be only slightly less sickening than county commissioners and CEOs.” She glanced at Jefferson, then back to me. “Don’t take it personally.” “I assumed as much. How about you? What did you find out yesterday?” “Well, I had a good day, too. Much of this will be made public later today, but I heard that the FBI and ATF are off to a good start.” Jefferson leaned in. “The bomb was carried onto the bridge by a truck that was stolen from a Wisconsin mine. They got a VIN off an axle, so they know now which mine it came from. They just aren’t saying which one yet. They’ve already put together a list of who had the access to the truck.” “They believe that the bomb was homemade. It blew a hole in the new span of the river bridge and damaged the truss of the old span next to it. They are assuming that ANFO was involved, since that explosive is used at a lot of mines in the area, so they’re canvassing mines to see if any are missing a supply of ANFO and blasting caps.” Jefferson nodded. He hadn’t taken his eyes off Che since she started the update. “They haven’t found any useful surveillance footage yet, so they are busy checking with businesses and homes that might have had a camera pointed in the right direction. And they are short on suspects, so far.” She raised a finger. “No, actually, they have too many suspects. Tips have been pouring in, but it’s too soon to say if any of them will really be useful, so they might be short on legitimate suspects.” “That’s not unusual for a high-profile case,” Jefferson said. “People call in to finger a coworker they hate. Stupid shit people do every day becomes suspicious, so people will call to report the neighbor who just came home with an extra bag of fertilizer.” He looked up and away. “That’ll take some time to sort through.”

Markup
Click to go to the author’s review.

“What did you do the rest of the day yesterday?” “The Larsens had me over for lunch. Thanks again for making that introduction. They sure know a lot about who’s screwing who, figuratively. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps). Don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotation marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] You could have given me a heads up that they were vegetarian.” were vegetarian, though.” “But you like vegetables, Frank!” she said, taking a big bite out of a bacon cheddar scone. “It was good, anyway; delicious. They anyway. Delicious. They know how to cook. I think I got a good overview on the bigger issues… the issues . . . the money, the threats to the land, some land—some of the basic conflicts. It was helpful, will helpful—will be helpful for helpful—for what I’m doing next,” I said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Just tell her already, Frank,” Jefferson said. “Fine.” I picked at the cranberry muffin in front of me. “I finished the tourism article, then got an idea for another piece, one that would take a deep dive into how the sand mining boom [no problem that “boom” is a word for an explosion (double entendre)?] is changing communities and relationships around here.” I glanced at Che, then looked around the coffeeshop the coffee shop. [Also, maybe they keep their voices down?] “I sent a pitch to American Life and got a response almost right away. They said yes!” I nearly jumped out of my chair. So much for acting cool. “Congratulations, Frank!” Che said. [And she’s not envious?] “I had to talk to the editor on the phone first, to convince her that I was up for the assignment, but that obviously went well.” “Now you’re going to have to do some real work. I suppose you’re going to ask me to help you again.” “Maybe. Probably. I’ve Probably,” I said. “I’ve made a good start at compiling a list of people I want to interview, so I’ll be starting with them today. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps). Don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotation marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] I’ve only got until Tuesday to submit a draft, so I can’t waste time,” I said. waste time.” “That’s pretty fast, but you can do it,” Che said. “Just don’t be surprised if you run into resistance.” She took a sip of coffee. “There are a lot of reporters running around asking questions right now. A lot of people find reporters to be only slightly less sickening than county commissioners and CEOs.” She glanced at Jefferson, then back to me. “Don’t take it personally.” “I assumed as much. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps). Don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotation marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] How about you? What did you find out yesterday?” “Well, I had a good day, too. Much too,” she said. “Much of this will be made public later today, but I heard that the FBI and ATF are off to a good start.” Jefferson leaned in. “The bomb was carried onto the bridge by a truck that was stolen from a Wisconsin mine. They got a VIN off an axle, so they know now which mine it came from. They just aren’t saying which one yet. They’ve already put together a list of who had the access to the truck.” [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps). Don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotation marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] [I got rid of the paragraph break here; Che continues her speech.] “They believe that the bomb was homemade. It blew a hole in the new span of the river bridge and damaged the truss of the old span next to it. [I switched these two sentences for Aristotelian coherence (the sentence about the bomb being homemade belongs just before the sentence about the ANFO composition):] “The explosion blew a hole in the new span of the river bridge and damaged the truss of the old span next to it. They believe that the bomb was homemade. They are assuming that ANFO was involved, since that explosive is used at a lot of mines in the area, so they’re canvassing mines to see if any are missing a supply of ANFO and blasting caps.” [I broke the paragraph here.] Jefferson nodded. He hadn’t taken his eyes off Che since she started the update. Since Che started the update, he hadn’t taken his eyes off her. [Chronological order and ending on greater emphasis] “They haven’t found any useful surveillance footage yet, so yet,” she continued, “so they are busy checking with businesses and homes that might have had a camera pointed in the right direction. And they are short on suspects, so far.” She raised a finger. “No, actually, they have too many suspects. Tips have been pouring in, but it’s too soon to say if any of them will really be useful, so they might be short on legitimate suspects.” “That’s not unusual for a high-profile case,” Jefferson said. “People call in to finger a coworker they hate. Stupid shit Stupid things [yes, saying “Stupid shit” would be in character for Jefferson, but “an extra bag of fertilizer” at the end of the sentence leads a reader to make an unintended (amusing—and therefore distracting) connection] people do every day becomes day become suspicious, so people will call to report the neighbor who just came home with an extra bag of fertilizer.” He looked up and away. “That’ll take [“That’ll” is vague] “The tips will take some time to sort through.”

The Author’s Review
in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS
Click to go to the second-pass result.

“What did you do the rest of the day yesterday?” “The Larsens had me over for lunch. Thanks again for making that introduction. They sure know a lot about who’s screwing who, figuratively. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps). Don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotation marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] I CAUGHT HER EYE AND SMILED. You could have given me a heads up that they were vegetarian.” were vegetarian, though.” “But you like vegetables, Frank!” she said, taking a big bite out of a bacon cheddar scone. “It was good, anyway; delicious. They anyway. Delicious. They know how to cook. I think I got a good overview on the bigger issues… the issues . . . the money, the threats to the land, some land—some of the basic conflicts. It was helpful, will helpful—will be helpful for helpful—for what I’m doing next,” I said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Just tell her already, Frank,” Jefferson said. “Fine.” I picked at the cranberry muffin in front of me. “I finished the tourism article, then got an idea for another piece, one that would take a deep dive into how the sand mining boom [no problem that “boom” is a word for an explosion (double entendre)?] NOPE is changing communities and relationships around here.” I glanced at Che, then looked around the coffeeshop the coffee shop. [Also, maybe they keep their voices down?] OK AS IS “I sent a pitch to American Life and got a response almost right away. They said yes!” I nearly jumped out of my chair. So much for acting cool. “Congratulations, Frank!” Che said. [And she’s not envious?] NOPE. NO ENVY. “I had to talk to the editor on the phone first, to convince her that I was up for the assignment, but that obviously went well.” “Now you’re going to have to do some real work. I suppose you’re going to ask me to help you again.” “Maybe. Probably. I’ve Probably,” I said. “I’ve made a good start at compiling a list of people I want to interview, so I’ll be starting with them today. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps). Don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotation marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] I PULLED OUT MY NOTEBOOK AND WAVED IT IN FRONT OF ME. I’ve only got until Tuesday to submit a draft, so I can’t waste time,” I said. waste time.” “That’s pretty fast, but you can do it,” Che said. “Just don’t be surprised if you run into resistance.” She took a sip of coffee. “There are a lot of reporters running around asking questions right now. A lot of people find reporters to be only slightly less sickening than county commissioners and CEOs.” She glanced at Jefferson, then back to me. “Don’t take it personally.” “I assumed as much. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps). Don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotation marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] I KNEW SHE WAS RIGHT BUT WAS TOO EXCITED TO DWELL ON THE CHALLENGES AHEAD OF ME. How about you? What did you find out yesterday?” “Well, I had a good day, too. Much too,” she said. “Much of this will be made public later today, but I heard that the FBI and ATF are off to a good start.” Jefferson leaned in. “The bomb was carried onto the bridge by a truck that was stolen from a Wisconsin mine. They got a VIN off an axle, so they know now which mine it came from. They just aren’t saying which one yet. They’ve already put together a list of who had the access to the truck.” [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps). Don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotation marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] [I got rid of the paragraph break here; Che continues her speech.] SHE ALTERNATED HER GAZE BETWEEN JEFFERSON AND ME AS SHE SPOKE. “They believe that the bomb was homemade. It blew a hole in the new span of the river bridge and damaged the truss of the old span next to it. [I switched these two sentences for Aristotelian coherence (the sentence about the bomb being homemade belongs just before the sentence about the ANFO composition):] “The explosion blew a hole in the new span of the river bridge and damaged the truss of the old span next to it. They believe that the bomb was homemade. They are assuming that ANFO was involved, since that explosive is used at a lot of mines in the area, so they’re canvassing mines to see if any are missing a supply of ANFO and blasting caps.” [I broke the paragraph here.] Jefferson nodded. He hadn’t taken his eyes off Che since she started the update. Since Che started the update, he hadn’t taken his eyes off her. [Chronological order and ending on greater emphasis] “They haven’t found any useful surveillance footage yet, so yet,” she continued, “so they are busy checking with businesses and homes that might have had a camera pointed in the right direction. And they are short on suspects, so far.” She raised a finger. “No, actually, they have too many suspects. Tips have been pouring in, but it’s too soon to say if any of them will really be useful, so they might be short on legitimate suspects.” “That’s not unusual for a high-profile case,” Jefferson said. “People call in to finger a coworker they hate. Stupid shit Stupid things [yes, saying “Stupid shit” would be in character for Jefferson, but “an extra bag of fertilizer” at the end of the sentence leads a reader to make an unintended (amusing—and therefore distracting) connection] people do every day becomes day become suspicious, so people will call to report the neighbor who just came home with an extra bag of fertilizer.” He looked up and away. “That’ll take [“That’ll” is vague] “The tips will take some time to sort through.”

The Second-Pass Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

“What did you do the rest of the day yesterday?” “The Larsens had me over for lunch. Thanks again for making that introduction. They sure know a lot about who’s screwing who, figuratively.” I caught her eye and smiled. “You could have given me a heads up that they were vegetarian, though.” “But you like vegetables, Frank!” she said, taking a big bite out of a bacon cheddar scone. “It was good, anyway. Delicious. They know how to cook. I think I got a good overview on the bigger issues . . . the money, the threats to the land—some of the basic conflicts. It was helpful—will be helpful—for what I’m doing next,” I said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Just tell her already, Frank,” Jefferson said. “Fine.” I picked at the cranberry muffin in front of me. “I finished the tourism article, then got an idea for another piece, one that would take a deep dive into how the sand mining boom is changing communities and relationships around here.” I glanced at Che, then looked around the coffee shop. “I sent a pitch to American Life and got a response almost right away. They said yes!” I nearly jumped out of my chair. So much for acting cool. “Congratulations, Frank!” Che said. “I had to talk to the editor on the phone first, to convince her that I was up for the assignment, but that obviously went well.” “Now you’re going to have to do some real work. I suppose you’re going to ask me to help you again.” “Maybe. Probably,” I said. “I’ve made a good start at compiling a list of people I want to interview, so I’ll be starting with them today.” I pulled out my notebook and waved it in front of me. “I’ve only got until Tuesday to submit a draft, so I can’t waste time.” “That’s pretty fast, but you can do it,” Che said. “Just don’t be surprised if you run into resistance.” She took a sip of coffee. “There are a lot of reporters running around asking questions right now. A lot of people find reporters to be only slightly less sickening than county commissioners and CEOs.” She glanced at Jefferson, then back to me. “Don’t take it personally.” “I assumed as much.” I knew she was right, but I was too excited to dwell on the challenges in front of me. “How about you? What did you find out yesterday?” “Well, I had a good day, too,” she said. “Much of this will be made public later today, but I heard that the FBI and ATF are off to a good start.” Jefferson leaned in. “The bomb was carried onto the bridge by a truck that was stolen from a Wisconsin mine. They got a VIN off an axle, so they know now which mine it came from. They just aren’t saying which one yet. They’ve already put together a list of who had the access to the truck.” As she spoke, she alternated her gaze between Jefferson and me. “The explosion blew a hole in the new span of the river bridge and damaged the truss of the old span next to it. They believe that the bomb was homemade. They are assuming that ANFO was involved, since that explosive is used at a lot of mines in the area, so they’re canvassing mines to see if any are missing a supply of ANFO and blasting caps.” Jefferson nodded. Since Che started the update, he hadn’t taken his eyes off her. “They haven’t found any useful surveillance footage yet,” she continued, “so they are busy checking with businesses and homes that might have had a camera pointed in the right direction. And they are short on suspects, so far.” She raised a finger. “No, actually, they have too many suspects. Tips have been pouring in, but it’s too soon to say if any of them will really be useful, so they might be short on legitimate suspects.” “That’s not unusual for a high-profile case,” Jefferson said. “People call in to finger a coworker they hate. Stupid things people do every day become suspicious, so people will call to report the neighbor who just came home with an extra bag of fertilizer.” He looked up and away. “The tips will take some time to sort through.”