Substantive editing sample 24:
A CNN interview

An editor needs to ensure that paragraphs within dialogue are dedicated to each speaker—not only to the spoken words themselves but also to the actions of that speaker. Also, an editor needs to fix misplaced modifiers (can “eyes” be “perfectly coiffed”? and who “placed” the microphone?).

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

I found Jefferson and Che sitting at a table on the other side of the restaurant from the front door. “Hey,” I said, as I pulled out a chair to join them. The TV was turned to CNN, which was streaming aerial footage from what looked like a backwater forest. “Glad to see you, too,” I said, as their attention stayed fixated on the TV. “Shhh,” Che said. “Sit down and watch,” Jefferson barked at me. I did as I was told and sat down. The perfectly coiffed anchor’s eyes lit up as he narrated the footage. “Federal agents are closing in on the primary suspect in the bombing of the Mississippi River bridge at Winona, Minnesota. Agents have sealed off several square miles of a heavily wooded area near the town of New Albin, Iowa.” “Where’s New Albin?” Jefferson asked, as he leaned toward me without taking his eyes off the TV. “South; about an hour from here,” I answered. “Residents report that all roads into the area have been blocked by law enforcement. Air space over the woods has also been restricted. Let’s go to reporter Crystal Goode at New Albin, who has been talking with residents there.” “Thank you, Maury,” she said. “I’m here with Michael Jones from New Albin.” She swiveled from the camera to a man in hip waders standing next to her, placing the microphone under his mouth like it was a lollipop. “Mr. Jones, tell us what you saw this morning.”

Markup
Click to go to the result.

I found Jefferson and Che sitting at a table on the other side of the restaurant from the front door. “Hey,” I said, as I pulled out a chair to join them. The TV was turned to CNN, which was streaming aerial footage from what looked like a backwater forest. [I got rid of the paragraph break here.] “Glad to see you, too,” I said, as their attention stayed fixated on the TV. Their attention stayed fixated on the TV. “Glad to see you, too,” I said. [I broke the paragraph here.] “Shhh,” Che said. “Sit down and watch,” Jefferson barked at me. [I got rid of the paragraph break here.] I did as I was told and sat down.[I broke the paragraph here.] The perfectly coiffed anchor’s eyes lit up The eyes of the perfectly coiffed anchor lit up [eyes could have “lit up,” but they could not have been “perfectly coiffed”; however, the anchor himself could have been “perfectly coiffed”] as he narrated the footage. the footage: [I got rid of the paragraph break here.] “Federal agents are closing in on the primary suspect in the bombing of the Mississippi River bridge at Winona, Minnesota. Agents have sealed off several square miles of a heavily wooded area near the town of New Albin, Iowa.” “Where’s New Albin?” Jefferson asked, as whispered as [suggested revision okay?] he leaned toward me without taking his eyes off the TV. “South; about an hour from here,” I answered. “South,” I answered. “About an hour from here.” [Whenever possible, move a speech’s expository stage directions so that the spoken words echo in the reader’s mind.] “Residents report that all roads into the area have been blocked by law enforcement. Air space over the woods has also been restricted. Let’s go to reporter Crystal Goode at New Albin, who has been talking with residents there.” “Thank you, Maury,” she said. “I’m here with Michael Jones from New Albin.” She swiveled from the camera to a man in hip waders standing next to her, placing her, and she placed [(1) the “ing” form of the verb should be used only with actions that are simultaneous; she would not have been “placing the microphone” at precisely the same time that she had “swiveled from the camera”; (2) also, Crystal Goode’s “placing” right after Michael Jones’s “standing” could be misread that the “placing” was something that Jones (rather than Crystal) was doing] the microphone under his mouth like it was a lollipop. mouth as though it were a lollipop. “Mr. Jones, tell us what you saw this morning.”

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

I found Jefferson and Che sitting at a table on the other side of the restaurant from the front door. “Hey,” I said, as I pulled out a chair to join them. The TV was turned to CNN, which was streaming aerial footage from what looked like a backwater forest. Their attention stayed fixated on the TV. “Glad to see you, too,” I said. “Shhh,” Che said. “Sit down and watch,” Jefferson barked at me. I did as I was told and sat down. The eyes of the perfectly coiffed anchor lit up as he narrated the footage: “Federal agents are closing in on the primary suspect in the bombing of the Mississippi River bridge at Winona, Minnesota. Agents have sealed off several square miles of a heavily wooded area near the town of New Albin, Iowa.” “Where’s New Albin?” Jefferson whispered as he leaned toward me without taking his eyes off the TV. “South,” I answered. “About an hour from here.” “Residents report that all roads into the area have been blocked by law enforcement. Air space over the woods has also been restricted. Let’s go to reporter Crystal Goode at New Albin, who has been talking with residents there.” “Thank you, Maury,” she said. “I’m here with Michael Jones from New Albin.” She swiveled from the camera to a man in hip waders standing next to her, and she placed the microphone under his mouth as though it were a lollipop. “Mr. Jones, tell us what you saw this morning.”