Substantive editing sample 21:
Writing better than pulling weeds

Coherence entails essentially keeping events in the order that they occur in. Also, if the “narrative present” of a novel is cast in past tense (the usual case), events that occurred in the narration’s past need to be rendered in the past perfect tense, at least at the beginning of that event’s description. The present tense should be restricted to speeches in dialogue or to situations that are universally true (that remain true in the reader’s present).

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Original
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Che didn’t want to stay in the family farm business. “I liked writing better than pulling weeds,” she’d told me once. Instead, she went to college and got a degree in journalism. She moved back to Winona when the local newspaper offered her a job. She took it over an offer from the Chicago Tribune because she preferred to live close to her family. She may have traded in the hoe for the pen, but she still helped her parents as she could. Some weekend mornings, as time allowed, you might find her selling tomatoes and bok choy at a farmers market.

Markup
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Che didn’t want to Che hadn’t wanted to stay in the family farm business. “I liked writing business. Instead, she went to college and got a degree in journalism. “I liked writing better than pulling weeds,” she’d told me once. Instead, she went to college and got a degree in journalism. me once. [I switched the two preceding sentences (and two clauses in the following sentence) for Aristotelian coherence: not wanting to stay on the farm → instead, went to college, got a degree in journalism → her reason (liked writing) → local newspaper job offer → moved back to Winona] She moved back When the local newspaper offered her a job, she moved back to Winona when the local newspaper offered her a job. Winona. She took it over took the job over an offer from the Chicago Tribune the Chicago Tribune because she preferred to live close to her family. She may have traded in the hoe for the pen, but she still helped her parents as she parents whenever she could. Some weekend mornings, as time allowed, you might find her might have found her selling tomatoes and bok choy at a farmers market.

Result
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Che hadn’t wanted to stay in the family farm business. Instead, she went to college and got a degree in journalism. “I liked writing better than pulling weeds,” she’d told me once. When the local newspaper offered her a job, she moved back to Winona. She took the job over an offer from the Chicago Tribune because she preferred to live close to her family. She may have traded in the hoe for the pen, but she still helped her parents whenever she could. Some weekend mornings, as time allowed, you might have found her selling tomatoes and bok choy at a farmers market.