Substantive editing sample 15:
A sensitive conversation

In this mystery novel, I needed to address numerous incongruities with the setting—for example, at the beginning of chapter 45, Jefferson and Frank need to be in a secure area before they put a sensitive conversation on speaker phone. (In BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS, you can see how the author responded to my query.)

Note: I also needed to correct the spelling of the plural of the surname “Johns”; it should be “Johnses” (not “Johns” or other barbarisms); furthermore, the possessive would be “Johns’s” of the singular (as in “Richard Johns’s mishap”) or “Johnses’” (as in “the Johnses’ art dealings”). The plural or possessive inflection is unapologetically pronounced “zuz.” I made several such corrections in this manuscript with this surname, as I typically need to do with each surname ending in the letter s, including my own, Edmands.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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“So how do we motivate Courtney Baker to tell what she knows?” “I have an idea,” Jefferson said. “Follow me.”   45 Jefferson wanted to know more about the painting that was mentioned in Helen Kraft’s article, the one she wrote about stolen Nazi art that caused the split between Stella and the Johns. I’d left a copy of the article back in my motel room, so we called Ruby and asked her to read it to us, as well as the article about the art that the Bakers had purchased. It took her about five minutes to find the articles and call back. I put her on speaker phone.

Markup
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“So how do we motivate Courtney Baker to tell what she knows?” “I have an idea,” Jefferson said. “Follow me.”   45 Jefferson wanted to know more about the painting that was mentioned that had been mentioned in Helen Kraft’s article, the one she wrote about one she’d written about stolen Nazi art that caused that had caused the split between Stella and the Johns. the Johnses. I’d left a copy of the article back in my motel room, so we called Ruby and asked her to read it to us, as well as the article about the art that the Bakers had purchased. It took her about five minutes to find the articles and call back. I put her on speaker phone. [Where are they when the conversation goes on speaker phone? Sitting in Frank’s rental car or in Jefferson’s truck would be suitable for a sensitive conversation, but they had walked a few blocks down to City Hall from the Wired Bean, where both vehicles would be parked. Consider mentioning that they walked back up to where the vehicles were parked and they sat in one of them before they put the phone on speaker—that would have been a perfect action at the opening of this chapter after Jefferson’s hook remark at the end of chapter 44: “Follow me.”]

The Author’s Review
in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS
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“So how do we motivate Courtney Baker to tell what she knows?” “I have an idea,” Jefferson said. “Follow me.”   45 Jefferson wanted to know more about the painting that was mentioned that had been mentioned in Helen Kraft’s article, the one she wrote about one she’d written about stolen Nazi art that caused that had caused the split between Stella and the Johns. the Johnses. I’d left a copy of the article back in my motel room, so we called Ruby and asked her to read it to us, as well as the article about the art that the Bakers had purchased. It took her about five minutes to find the articles and call back. I put her on speaker phone. [Where are they when the conversation goes on speaker phone? Sitting in Frank’s rental car or in Jefferson’s truck would be suitable for a sensitive conversation, but they had walked a few blocks down to City Hall from the Wired Bean, where both vehicles would be parked. Consider mentioning that they walked back up to where the vehicles were parked and they sat in one of them before they put the phone on speaker—that would have been a perfect action at the opening of this chapter after Jefferson’s hook remark at the end of chapter 44: “Follow me.”] WE WALKED BACK TO JEFFERSON'S TRUCK AND GOT IN.

The Second-Pass Result
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“So how do we motivate Courtney Baker to tell what she knows?” “I have an idea,” Jefferson said. “Follow me.”   45 We walked back to Jefferson’s truck and got in. Jefferson wanted to know more about the painting that had been mentioned in Helen Kraft’s article, the one she’d written about stolen Nazi art that had caused the split between Stella and the Johnses. I’d left a copy of the article back in my motel room, so we called Ruby and asked her to read it to us, as well as the article about the art that the Bakers had purchased. It took her about five minutes to find the articles and call back. I put her on speaker phone.