Substantive editing sample 18:
Diagnosing mental health issues

In this mystery novel, I examined every word to ensure that the author’s intended meaning was communicated, and I switched sentences to enhance a paragraph’s emphasis.

Note: In the first paragraph, you do not see any editorial markup. I leave the author’s prose alone if I detect no problem with it. I also have no problem in the second paragraph with the author’s “split infinitive” (“to systematically desensitize” in the original version’s penultimate sentence). I cheerfully and with alacrity violate the prohibition against split infinitives, a prohibition imposed two or more centuries ago by pedants who wanted English to resemble Latin. If splitting the infinitive enhances the grace of a sentence, let it be split.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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I was just twenty-five when I met Greg; he was thirty-eight. He was established in his career, respected. I had just started my first job as a therapist. I was totally smitten with Greg but riddled with insecurities. When I first met his family, I tried to show off, to prove to them that I was a worthy match. It didn’t go well. I diagnosed their mental health issues—politely, of course—but I also offered tips on how to get over this anxiety or that phobia. I was trying so hard to be helpful that it took me a while to realize that while his mother’s fear of rats may have been intense, rats weren’t a part of her daily life, so there was no need to bring in live rodents to systematically desensitize her to their presence. And while his father may have been stoic, it wasn’t my place to ask him “How do you feel about that?” every time a new topic came up.

Markup
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I was just twenty-five when I met Greg; he was thirty-eight. He was established in his career, respected. I had just started my first job as a therapist. I was totally smitten with Greg but riddled with insecurities. When I first met his family, I tried to show off, to prove to them that I was a worthy match. It didn’t go well. I diagnosed their mental health issues—politely, of course—but I also and I also offered tips on how to get over this anxiety or that phobia. [Why did I change “but I also” to “and I also”? The predicate “offered tips on how to get over this anxiety or that phobia” is additive to (justifying “and”)—rather than contrasting with—“diagnosed their mental issues” (contrasting would have justified “but”—but this is additive).] I was trying so hard to be helpful that it took me a while to realize that while his mother’s that whereas his father may have been stoic, it wasn’t my place to ask him “How do you feel about that?” every time a new topic came up. And whereas his mother’s fear of rats may have been intense, rats weren’t a part of her daily life, so there was no need to bring in live rodents to rodents in order to systematically desensitize her to their presence. And while his father may have been stoic, it wasn’t my place to ask him “How do you feel about that?” every time a new topic came up their presence. [Okay that I switched the preceding two sentences? The horribly obnoxious treatment toward the mother is far more emphatic than the somewhat obnoxious treatment toward the father—and therefore (for emphasis) should come at the end.]

Result
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I was just twenty-five when I met Greg; he was thirty-eight. He was established in his career, respected. I had just started my first job as a therapist. I was totally smitten with Greg but riddled with insecurities. When I first met his family, I tried to show off, to prove to them that I was a worthy match. It didn’t go well. I diagnosed their mental health issues—politely, of course—and I also offered tips on how to get over this anxiety or that phobia. I was trying so hard to be helpful that it took me a while to realize that whereas his father may have been stoic, it wasn’t my place to ask him “How do you feel about that?” every time a new topic came up. And whereas his mother’s fear of rats may have been intense, rats weren’t a part of her daily life, so there was no need to bring in live rodents in order to systematically desensitize her to their presence.