Substantive editing sample 17:
Digestive system emphasis and coherence

In this mystery novel, not only did I fix tenses, I also suggested changes for Aristotelian emphasis and coherence.

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Original
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No one paid much attention to me when I showed up, not unlike the way they ignored Greg. He was a low maintenance patient at that point. Someone showed up a few times a day to check his vitals, change the bags that collected his piss and shit, and refill the fluid that got pumped into his stomach to keep him alive. Occasionally, they even spritzed the room with a shot or two of air freshener, always a pine scent. They did it efficiently. In and out in a jiff, then on to the next shell of a person inhaling their last wisps of life. Every person in this place, this memory care facility, once walked around of their own free will, argued and made love, cheered for their favorite sports team. Many spent a lifetime mastering a hobby like collecting stamps or annoying their children. Everyone in this place once shit on their own and lifted a fork effortlessly to feed themselves. They all deserved a better end, including Greg. There was nothing noble about going there every day to watch over him. I knew that. I abandoned him when he got sick. At least, that’s what most people would say, and I can’t argue the point. He was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s eight years ago. We had a good life until then.

Markup
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No one paid much attention to me when I showed up, not unlike the way they ignored Greg. He was At that point, he was a low maintenance patient at that point a low-maintenance patient. Someone showed up a few times a day to check his vitals, change the bags that collected his piss and shit, and refill the fluid that got pumped into his stomach to keep him alive vitals, refill the fluid that got pumped into his stomach to keep him alive, and change the bags that collected his piss and shit. [I switched the sentence’s order (1) to match the order of events along his digestive system, (2) to end the sentence with the most emphatic words (“piss and shit” rather than “keep him alive”), and (3) to make a better transition (Aristotelian coherence) with spritzing the room with air freshener (“piss and shit” leads the reader toward the next sentence’s “spritzed the room with a shot or tow of air freshener” much more coherently than does “keep him alive”)] Occasionally, they even spritzed the room with a shot or two of air freshener, always freshener—always a pine scent. They did it efficiently. In and efficiently: in and out in a jiff, then on to the next shell of a person inhaling their last inhaling the last wisps of life. [The third-person possessive pronoun “their” (singular and gender-neutral in this instance) needs to be disambiguated: It could inappropriately apply to “They” at the beginning of the sentence (as well as “they” in the preceding sentence, taken as a singular third-person pronoun applying to “Someone” in the sentence before that). Your intention, however, is to apply to “a person,” but the preceding instances of “they” invite misreading. If you don’t like my suggested solution of “the” instead of “their,” I (reluctantly) suggest “on to the next shell of a person inhaling his or her last wisps of life.”] Every person in this place, this memory care facility, once facility, had once walked around of their own free will, argued and made love, cheered for their favorite sports team. Many spent Many had spent a lifetime mastering a hobby like collecting hobby such as collecting stamps or annoying their children. Everyone in this place once place had once shit on their own and lifted a fork effortlessly to feed themselves lifted a fork effortlessly to feed themself, had once shit on their own. [Revision okay? (1) Feeding themself would precede shitting on their own. (2) “Everyone” is singular, so the third-person “themself” (reflexive) and “their” (possessive) are singular gender-neutral pronouns (rather than the often-awkward “himself or herself” and “his or her”). (3) “themself” is now considered by Merriam-Webster a legitimate singular gender-neutral third-person pronoun (restricting “themselves” to its plural meaning); “themself,” by the way, has been around since the fourteenth century.] They all deserved a better end, including Greg. [With “all,” the pronoun “They” again has a plural meaning.] There was nothing noble about going about my going there every day to watch over him. I knew that. I abandoned I had abandoned him when he got sick. At least, that’s what most people would say, and I can’t argue the point. He was diagnosed He’d been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s eight years ago with early-onset Alzheimer’s eight years earlier. [Alternative: “eight years before,” (that is, in 2008); “ago,” should be restricted to sentences in present tense, such as within dialogue.] We had We’d had a good life until then.

Result
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No one paid much attention to me when I showed up, not unlike the way they ignored Greg. At that point, he was a low-maintenance patient. Someone showed up a few times a day to check his vitals, refill the fluid that got pumped into his stomach to keep him alive, and change the bags that collected his piss and shit. Occasionally, they even spritzed the room with a shot or two of air freshener—always a pine scent. They did it efficiently: in and out in a jiff, then on to the next shell of a person inhaling the last wisps of life. Every person in this place, this memory care facility, had once walked around of their own free will, argued and made love, cheered for their favorite sports team. Many had spent a lifetime mastering a hobby such as collecting stamps or annoying their children. Everyone in this place had once lifted a fork effortlessly to feed themself, had once shit on their own. They all deserved a better end, including Greg. There was nothing noble about my going there every day to watch over him. I knew that. I had abandoned him when he got sick. At least, that’s what most people would say, and I can’t argue the point. He’d been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s eight years earlier. We’d had a good life until then.