Copyediting sample 32:
The mage tower

In this fantasy novel, I needed to resolve discrepancies: in one place “a wall” encircles a tower, but 489 pages later, an “iron gate” (or “iron fence”) does the encircling. I also edited to improve coherence (ensuring that given information precedes new information), identify a vague pronoun’s referent (“Arkos’s” for “its”), and clean up mechanical style issues.

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This sample is presented here with the two authors’ permission.

Original
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Telvar did not need an escort to find the Mage Tower. Though the streets were maze-like, the tower was visible from any vantage point. He passed through the harbor gate and down the streets avoiding eye contact with its dirt covered citizens. The closer he came to his destination, the more he thought about what it will mean to have a tower of his own with the resources to learn new spells and create new magic. Of course, he would have to wait until Myramar’s death to be the Tower Master, but from what he knew of the wizard’s health that time would not be long in coming. The only regret Telvar had was that the tower stood in the middle of absolutely nowhere. But this was just a first step. He planned on challenging for a more prestigious tower as soon as he rose higher in the ranks of wizards. A ten foot tall circular wall surrounded the tower which itself was enveloped by soaring trees and numerous gardens. Telvar walked the perimeter to examine the building from all sides. He was most curious about the lens which stood affixed to one side of the tower’s domed top. The two most important parts of any mage tower were its lens, which focused mana from the stars, and the gem located beneath the lens, which stored the energy collected. The mage who controlled the tower controlled all the energy the lens and gem had gathered. This tower’s lens looked well crafted. He would have to wait to get inside to examine the gem. 489 pages (80 chapters) later Without further discussion, the berserker started for the ruined Tower and Tryam followed. As they drew closer, the ominous sounds of discharging magic filled their ears as bolts of energy lashed out into the now black sky. Nothing of Myramar’s gardens remained, not even the iron gate that once encircled the area.

Markup
Click to go to the result.

Telvar did not need an escort to find the Mage Tower. the mage tower. Though the streets were maze-like, the tower was visible from any vantage point. He passed through the harbor gate and down the streets avoiding streets, avoiding eye contact with its dirt covered citizens with Arkos’s dirt-covered citizens. [The suggested revision identifies “its” (the town itself, as distinguished from the customs control at the harbor or—absurdly and ungrammatically—“the streets”)] The closer he came to his destination, the more he thought about what it will mean it would mean to have a tower of his own with own, with the resources to learn new spells and create new magic. Of course, he would have to wait until Myramar’s death to be the Tower Master, to become the tower master, but from what he knew of the wizard’s health that the old wizard’s health, that time would not be long in coming. The only regret Telvar had was that the tower stood in the middle of absolutely nowhere. But this was just a first step. He planned on As soon as he rose higher in the ranks of wizards, he planned on challenging for a more prestigious tower as soon as he rose higher in the ranks of wizards prestigious tower. [This revision is for coherence: He would rise higher in the ranks (given information, elaborating on the previous sentence’s new information: “first step”) before he would challenge for a more prestigious tower (the new information for this sentence), and ending the sentence on “a more prestigious tower” segues better than “the ranks of wizards” to the next sentence’s given information: “a ten-foot-tall circular fence”] A ten foot tall circular wall A ten-foot-tall circular fence [change OK? in chapter 82, it is a “fence,” not a “wall,” surrounding the tower: “not even the iron fence that once encircled the area,” and I don’t think a “circular wall” would be made of iron, would it?] surrounded the tower which tower, which itself was enveloped by soaring trees and numerous gardens. Telvar walked the perimeter to examine the building from all sides. He was most curious about the lens which lens, which stood affixed to one side of the tower’s domed top. The two most important parts of any mage tower were its lens, which focused mana from the stars, and the gem located beneath the lens, which stored the energy collected. The mage who The wizard who controlled the tower controlled all the energy the lens and gem had gathered. This tower’s lens looked well crafted. He would have to wait Telvar could hardly wait to get inside to examine the gem. [Change OK? (to emphasize Telvar’s eager impatience)] 489 pages (80 chapters) later Without further discussion, the berserker started Wulfric started for the ruined Tower and ruined tower, and Tryam followed. [I got rid of the paragraph break here (no shift in topic)] As they drew closer, the ominous sounds of discharging magic filled their ears as bolts their ears; bolts of energy lashed out energy were lashing out into the now black sky the now-black sky. Nothing of Myramar’s gardens remained, not even the iron gate that once iron fence that had once encircled the area. [OK? (a “gate” could not have “encircled the area”)]

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

Telvar did not need an escort to find the mage tower. Though the streets were maze-like, the tower was visible from any vantage point. He passed through the harbor gate and down the streets, avoiding eye contact with Arkos’s dirt-covered citizens. The closer he came to his destination, the more he thought about what it would mean to have a tower of his own, with the resources to learn new spells and create new magic. Of course, he would have to wait until Myramar’s death to become the tower master, but from what he knew of the old wizard’s health, that time would not be long in coming. The only regret Telvar had was that the tower stood in the middle of absolutely nowhere. But this was just a first step. As soon as he rose higher in the ranks of wizards, he planned on challenging for a more prestigious tower. A ten-foot-tall circular fence surrounded the tower, which itself was enveloped by soaring trees and numerous gardens. Telvar walked the perimeter to examine the building from all sides. He was most curious about the lens, which stood affixed to one side of the tower’s domed top. The two most important parts of any mage tower were its lens, which focused mana from the stars, and the gem located beneath the lens, which stored the energy collected. The wizard who controlled the tower controlled all the energy the lens and gem had gathered. This tower’s lens looked well crafted. Telvar could hardly wait to get inside to examine the gem. 489 pages (80 chapters) later Without further discussion, Wulfric started for the ruined tower, and Tryam followed. As they drew closer, the ominous sounds of discharging magic filled their ears; bolts of energy were lashing out into the now-black sky. Nothing of Myramar’s gardens remained, not even the iron fence that had once encircled the area.