Copyediting sample 6:
The escape

Even while editing this fast-paced emergency scene in a mystery novel, I needed to examine each sentence slowly and thoughtfully, to determine if each word or phrase effectively conveyed the author’s intent or if it tended to lead the reader astray. For example, “several people” implies more than two, and “a couple of minutes” might be too long a span. Even punctuation can enhance the mood or detract from it.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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We couldn’t see but three or four feet in front of us, so we followed the wall, passing another set of doors surrounded by another crowd of people who weren’t going anywhere. “The doors won’t open,” someone screamed. Another yelled “We’re trapped in here!” My throat was feeling scratchy, and my eyes were watering. I saw several people on the floor, but I couldn’t tell if they had passed out or just slipped. I reached down to one, poking him to get his attention; I grabbed an arm and tugged lightly, but he didn’t respond. I had to keep moving or else I’d lose Ruby and Jefferson, so I let go and pushed ahead. I tried to look back at him a couple of minutes later, but I couldn’t see anything through the smoke. With the smoke filling up more of the room and my eyes on fire, I was having a hard time seeing much of anything. People all around us were coughing, and I was about ready to tell Jefferson and Ruby to hit the deck, that we needed to crawl our way out before we suffocated, when the sprinklers finally kicked on and sprayed cold water all over the exhibit hall, and us. It felt great.

Markup
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We couldn’t see but three or four feet in front of us, so we followed the wall, passing another set of doors surrounded by another crowd of people who weren’t going anywhere. “The doors won’t open,” someone open!” someone screamed. [An exclamation point for screaming.] Another yelled “We’re trapped in here!” [I put a paragraph break here (slight topic shift to the personal)] My throat was feeling scratchy, and my eyes were watering. I saw several people some people [we learn later that only two people died (although some might be on the floor temporarily, having slipped, or maybe they are hitting the deck and crawling to escape the smoke), but “several people” suggests that the death count might be higher than two] on the floor, but I couldn’t tell if they had passed out or just slipped. I reached down to one, poking him to get his attention; I grabbed an arm and tugged lightly, but he didn’t respond. I had to keep moving or else I’d lose Ruby and Jefferson, so I let go and pushed ahead. I tried to look back at him a couple of minutes later, a minute or two later, [two minutes (“a couple of minutes”) might be a span too long during this fast-paced emergency] but I couldn’t see anything through the smoke. With the smoke filling up more of the room and my eyes on fire, I was having a hard time seeing much of anything. People all around us were coughing, and I was about ready to tell Jefferson and Ruby to hit the deck, that we needed to crawl our way out before we suffocated, when the sprinklers suffocated. Then the sprinklers finally kicked on and sprayed cold water all over the exhibit hall, and us. and all over us. It felt great.

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

We couldn’t see but three or four feet in front of us, so we followed the wall, passing another set of doors surrounded by another crowd of people who weren’t going anywhere. “The doors won’t open!” someone screamed. Another yelled “We’re trapped in here!” My throat was feeling scratchy, and my eyes were watering. I saw some people on the floor, but I couldn’t tell if they had passed out or just slipped. I reached down to one, poking him to get his attention; I grabbed an arm and tugged lightly, but he didn’t respond. I had to keep moving or else I’d lose Ruby and Jefferson, so I let go and pushed ahead. I tried to look back at him a minute or two later, but I couldn’t see anything through the smoke. With the smoke filling up more of the room and my eyes on fire, I was having a hard time seeing much of anything. People all around us were coughing, and I was about ready to tell Jefferson and Ruby to hit the deck, that we needed to crawl our way out before we suffocated. Then the sprinklers finally kicked on and sprayed cold water all over the exhibit hall, and all over us. It felt great.