Copyediting sample 5:
Apologizing to himself?

In this second-edition mystery novel (the first edition had a different editor), I caught a serious oversight where one character seems to be (absurdly) addressing himself rather than the other character in the dialogue. An easy oversight for an author to make, but a copyeditor needs to be alert to these things. I also suggested that the author insert cinematic “beats,” descriptive actions that interrupt long speeches—often a character-revealing gesture or grimace or perhaps some other action. You can see (in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS) how the author responded to my suggestions.

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

Jefferson’s phone made a couple of beeping noises. “Now what?” He looked down and frowned. “It’s a text from Michelle. I’d better call her. She’s not happy that I’m here. She thinks I should have stayed home and used my time off to work out our issues.” Jefferson shook his head, just slightly. “I don’t know, Frank. We may be too far gone. I can’t get her to see that I can’t help what I gotta do. Your ass is on the line here. You need my help and you need it now. If I didn’t come up here, you’d probably end up in prison for murder. Michelle and I, we can talk more when I get home. There’ll be time, if she’d just be patient. If she’d just be patient.” “Sorry, Frank. I didn’t know that things had gotten rough between you two. What can I do? Would it help if I talked to Michelle?” “That’s the worst idea you’ve had in a long time, Frank. She’s just as pissed at you right now as she is at me.” He laughed. “Enough about all that. It’s a distraction. We’ve still got a lot of work to do to figure out what’s going on.” He stood up and took one more sip of coffee. “I need to brief my buddy with the Moline PD about what I found out. Compare notes, and all that, so I’m going to head out. Can you take care of the check? I’ll get the next one.” “Sure. I got this.” “Thanks. I’ll call you later. Keep your head low.”

Markup
Click to go to the author’s review.

Jefferson’s phone made a couple of beeping noises. “Now what?” He looked down and frowned. “It’s a text from Michelle. I’d better call her. She’s not happy that I’m here. She thinks I should have stayed home and used my time off to work out our issues.” [I got rid of the paragraph break here.] Jefferson shook He shook his head, just slightly. “I don’t know, Frank. We may be too far gone. I can’t get her to see that I can’t help what I gotta do. Your ass is on the line here. You need my help and help, and you need it now. If I didn’t come I hadn’t come up here, you’d probably end up in prison for murder. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] Michelle and I, we can talk more when I get home. There’ll be time, if she’d just be patient. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] If she’d just be patient.” “Sorry, Frank. [Frank is the one speaking; he does not apologize (or express sympathy) to himself] “Sorry, Brian. I didn’t know that things had gotten rough between you two. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] What can I do? Would it help if I talked to Michelle?” “That’s the worst idea you’ve had in a long time, Frank. She’s just as pissed at you right now as she is at me.” He laughed. “Enough about all that. It’s a distraction. We’ve still got a lot of work to do to figure out what’s going on.” He stood up and took one more sip of coffee. “I need to brief my buddy with the Moline PD about what I found out. Compare notes, and notes and all that, so I’m going to head out. Can you take care of the check? I’ll get the next one.” “Sure. I got this.” “Thanks. I’ll call you later. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] Keep your head low.”

The Author’s Review
in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS
Click to go to the second-pass result.

Jefferson’s phone made a couple of beeping noises. “Now what?” He looked down and frowned. “It’s a text from Michelle. I’d better call her. She’s not happy that I’m here. She thinks I should have stayed home and used my time off to work out our issues.” [I got rid of the paragraph break here.] Jefferson shook He shook his head, just slightly. “I don’t know, Frank. We may be too far gone. I can’t get her to see that I can’t help what I gotta do. Your ass is on the line here. You need my help and help, and you need it now. If I didn’t come I hadn’t come up here, you’d probably end up in prison for murder. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] HE PUT THE PHONE IN HIS SHIRT POCKET. Michelle and I, we can talk more when I get home. There’ll be time, if she’d just be patient. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] HE STABBED A CLUMP OF KETCHUP-SOAKED FRIES WITH A FORK.. If she’d just be patient.” “Sorry, Frank. [Frank is the one speaking; he does not apologize (or express sympathy) to himself] “Sorry, Brian. I didn’t know that things had gotten rough between you two. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] I PLACED A NAPKIN IN MY LAP, THEN LOOKED OVER THE FOOD ON MY PLATE. What can I do? Would it help if I talked to Michelle?” “That’s the worst idea you’ve had in a long time, Frank. She’s just as pissed at you right now as she is at me.” He laughed. “Enough about all that. It’s a distraction. We’ve still got a lot of work to do to figure out what’s going on.” He stood up and took one more sip of coffee. “I need to brief my buddy with the Moline PD about what I found out. Compare notes, and notes and all that, so I’m going to head out. Can you take care of the check? I’ll get the next one.” “Sure. I got this.” “Thanks. I’ll call you later. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] HE STOOD UP, TOOK A STEP TOWARD THE DOOR, THEN TURNED AROUND TO LOOK AT ME. Keep your head low.”

The Second-Pass Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

Jefferson’s phone made a couple of beeping noises. “Now what?” He looked down and frowned. “It’s a text from Michelle. I’d better call her. She’s not happy that I’m here. She thinks I should have stayed home and used my time off to work out our issues.” He shook his head, just slightly. “I don’t know, Frank. We may be too far gone. I can’t get her to see that I can’t help what I gotta do. Your ass is on the line here. You need my help, and you need it now. If I hadn’t come up here, you’d probably end up in prison for murder.” He put the phone in his shirt pocket. “Michelle and I, we can talk more when I get home. There’ll be time, if she’d just be patient.” He stabbed a clump of ketchup-soaked fries with a fork. “If she’d just be patient.” “Sorry, Brian. I didn’t know that things had gotten rough between you two.” I placed a napkin in my lap, then looked over the food on my plate. “What can I do? Would it help if I talked to Michelle?” “That’s the worst idea you’ve had in a long time, Frank. She’s just as pissed at you right now as she is at me.” He laughed. “Enough about all that. It’s a distraction. We’ve still got a lot of work to do to figure out what’s going on.” He stood up and took one more sip of coffee. “I need to brief my buddy with the Moline PD about what I found out. Compare notes and all that, so I’m going to head out. Can you take care of the check? I’ll get the next one.” “Sure. I got this.” “Thanks. I’ll call you later.” He stood up, took a step toward the door, then turned around to look at me. “Keep your head low.”