Substantive editing sample 6:
Drinks in hand

In this sample from a mystery novel, I needed to correct a problem of logic and credibility (how could the protagonist carry so many drinks in hand?). I also addressed a character incongruity: Cody has been a very rude character up to this point, so why would he now excuse himself?

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

“I want a drink,” Cody responded. “You got this one, Miguelito?” “Let me,” I jumped in. I hoped that, if I bought a round, Cody would calm down, so I could get back to talking to Miguel. “What do you want?” I asked. Cody finally looked in my direction, but he just glared at me. “A shot of Jameson and a Stag,” Cody answered, then he turned back at Miguel. “And you?” I asked Miguel. “Just a Stag. Thanks.” At least Miguel said thanks. I went to the bar and ordered two shots of Jameson and three Stags, while Cody and Miguel drifted toward a corner. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but their voices got louder and louder, and I was pretty sure that the only thing that stopped Cody from punching Miguel was my timely reappearance with drinks in hand. Cody shot the Jameson and the Stag, then excused himself to use the bathroom.

Markup
Click to go to the result.

“I want a drink,” Cody responded. “You got this one, Miguelito?” “Let me,” I jumped in. I hoped that, if I that if I bought a round, Cody would calm down, so I could get back to talking to Miguel. “What do you want?” I asked. [I broke the paragraph here.] Cody finally looked in my direction, but he just glared at me. [I got rid of the paragraph break here.] “A shot of Jameson and a Stag,” Cody answered Stag,” he answered, then he turned back at Miguel back to Miguel. “And you?” I asked Miguel. “Just a Stag. Thanks.” At least Miguel said thanks. I went to the bar and ordered two shots of Jameson and three Stags, while Cody and Miguel drifted toward a corner. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but their voices got louder and louder, and I was louder. I was pretty sure that the only thing that stopped Cody from punching Miguel was my timely reappearance with drinks in hand. [Probably too many drinks “in hand”; “two shots of Jameson and three Stags” (does Frank have a tray?). Consider changing “reappearance with drinks in hand” to “reappearance with the drinks.”] Cody shot the Jameson and the Stag, then excused himself to use the bathroom. [Consider changing “then excused himself to use the bathroom” to “then grumbled that he was going to take a piss” (or something like that); he seems hardly polite enough to have “excused himself.”]

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

“I want a drink,” Cody responded. “You got this one, Miguelito?” “Let me,” I jumped in. I hoped that if I bought a round, Cody would calm down, so I could get back to talking to Miguel. “What do you want?” I asked. Cody finally looked in my direction, but he just glared at me. “A shot of Jameson and a Stag,” he answered, then he turned back to Miguel. “And you?” I asked Miguel. “Just a Stag. Thanks.” At least Miguel said thanks. I went to the bar and ordered two shots of Jameson and three Stags, while Cody and Miguel drifted toward a corner. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but their voices got louder and louder. I was pretty sure that the only thing that stopped Cody from punching Miguel was my timely reappearance with the drinks. Cody shot the Jameson and the Stag, then grumbled that he was going to take a piss.