Substantive editing sample 5:
Disliking students?

While editing this mystery novel, I needed to watch for incongruities of characterization. Noah tended bar in a place frequented by students, so the protagonist’s speculation “Maybe Noah didn’t like students” would be a distracting incongruity likely to bounce the reader out of the story.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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Back in my room, I took a leisurely shower, wondering why Noah didn’t warn me to watch my back a little sooner. He obviously wasn’t a fan of Miguel, but I had a hard time imagining what Miguel could have done to him. Maybe Noah didn’t like students. Or maybe he knew about Miguel’s past troubles with the law. Or maybe Noah just had a problem with Mexicans.

Markup
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Back in my room, I took a leisurely shower, wondering why Noah didn’t warn me Noah hadn’t warned me to watch my back a little sooner. He obviously wasn’t a fan of Miguel, but I had a hard time imagining what Miguel could have done to him. Maybe Noah didn’t like students. [I deleted this sentence because you’ve established that most of the Crooked Spine’s clientele are students of the chiropractic college (hence the bar’s name); if Noah really “didn’t like students,” he would have been better off working at a different bar.] Or maybe he knew Maybe Noah knew about Miguel’s past troubles with the law. Or maybe Noah just maybe he just had a problem with Mexicans.

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

Back in my room, I took a leisurely shower, wondering why Noah hadn’t warned me to watch my back a little sooner. He obviously wasn’t a fan of Miguel, but I had a hard time imagining what Miguel could have done to him. Maybe he knew about Miguel’s past troubles with the law. Or maybe he just had a problem with Mexicans.