Substantive editing sample 1:
The interrogation

In this mystery novel, I revised to maintain protagonist Frank’s point of view. I also suggested small changes to syntax (preventing misreading) and grammar (using past perfect tense and past progressive tense, relative to the narrative present).

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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I was trying to listen to the detective’s questions, but I couldn’t stay focused, distracted by the bright lights of the interrogation room and the pain in my head. I needed rest. I needed sunglasses. My boots were caked with mud. Rigor mortis was taking over my clothes, which reeked of downward mobility: a cream-colored button-down from Eddie Bauer, fraying at the collar and sleeves, wrinkled from sleeping in it last night, matched with a pair of fading Levi 501s, my collective odors trying gamely to overtake the smell of the detective’s cheap cologne. Probably Drakkar Noir. The detective showed up at my motel room around noon and wanted to ask me a few questions. “Do you know why I’m here?” he asked. Yeah, I had a pretty good idea, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. “Unless it’s illegal to stay in a shitty motel in Iowa, no, I don’t know why you’re here,” I told him. He took me to the station and sat me in a small room where I was supposed to tell him about the night before, how I met Miguel Ramirez, where we went, why someone wanted to kill him. How should I know? I just met Miguel last night, spent a few hours and a few drinks getting to know him, as a story I wanted to pursue. I didn’t really know him at all, much less who would want him dead.

Markup
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I was trying to listen to the detective’s questions, but I couldn’t stay focused, distracted focused. I was distracted [suggested revision to prevent momentary misreading that Frank not only “couldn’t stay focused,” he also couldn’t stay “distracted” (“couldn’t stay focused, distracted”); yes, only a momentary misreading, but the infelicity is still noise that impedes (slows) reader comprehension] by the bright lights of the interrogation room and the pain in my head. I needed rest. I needed sunglasses. My boots were caked with mud. Rigor mortis was taking over my clothes, which reeked of downward mobility: a cream-colored button-down from Eddie Bauer, fraying at the collar and sleeves, wrinkled from sleeping in it last night from my having slept in it all night, [“last night” introduces some confusion between the narrative present and the actual present (“the night before” is technically correct when the narrative present is cast, as here, in past tense, but that phrase has its own problems); “all night” works well and clearly implies that Frank slept in his clothes, sweated in them, and wrinkled them, during the night just past and probably all the way until noon, when the detective showed up] matched with a pair of fading Levi 501s, my 501s—my collective odors trying gamely to overtake the smell of the detective’s cheap cologne. Probably Drakkar Noir. The detective showed detective had showed up at my motel room around noon and wanted and said he wanted [Frank can only surmise what the detective “wanted” from what the detective “said” (he cannot read the detective’s mind, and the scene must stay within Frank’s point of view)] to ask me a few questions. “Do you know why I’m here?” he asked. he had asked. [I broke the paragraph here (to set off one speaker from the other)] Yeah, I had a pretty good idea, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. “Unless it’s illegal to stay in a shitty motel in Iowa, no, I don’t know why you’re here,” I told him. here.” [That Frank said this is obvious, since there are only two speakers in this dialogue (also, we help his words echo in the reader’s mind by ending with those spoken words).] He took me He had taken me to the station and sat me in a small room where room, where I was supposed to tell him about the night before, [“the night before” works just fine here] how I met how I’d met Miguel Ramirez Miguel Ramírez, [accent okay? (í instead of i); that’s the way that the common Spanish patronymic is supposed to be spelled (I’m making this change global)] where we went where we’d gone, why someone wanted to someone would want to kill him. How should I know? I just met Miguel last night, [“last night” okay here, with Frank being unfocused (same with the following simple past rather than the past perfect)] spent a few hours and a few drinks getting to know him, as a story him, because of a story I wanted to pursue. I didn’t really know him at all, much less who less know who would want him dead.

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

I was trying to listen to the detective’s questions, but I couldn’t stay focused. I was distracted by the bright lights of the interrogation room and the pain in my head. I needed rest. I needed sunglasses. My boots were caked with mud. Rigor mortis was taking over my clothes, which reeked of downward mobility: a cream-colored button-down from Eddie Bauer, fraying at the collar and sleeves, wrinkled from my having slept in it all night, matched with a pair of fading Levi 501s—my collective odors trying gamely to overtake the smell of the detective’s cheap cologne. Probably Drakkar Noir. The detective had showed up at my motel room around noon and said he wanted to ask me a few questions. “Do you know why I’m here?” he had asked. Yeah, I had a pretty good idea, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. “Unless it’s illegal to stay in a shitty motel in Iowa, no, I don’t know why you’re here.” He had taken me to the station and sat me in a small room, where I was supposed to tell him about the night before, how I’d met Miguel Ramírez, where we’d gone, why someone would want to kill him. How should I know? I just met Miguel last night, spent a few hours and a few drinks getting to know him, because of a story I wanted to pursue. I didn’t really know him at all, much less know who would want him dead.