Copyediting sample 34:
A bloodthirsty look in his eyes

In this sample from a fantasy novel, I eliminated the awkward repetition of the word “look,” twice as a verb (each in a different sense) and once in a noun—all within a small paragraph. (I retained the noun version.)

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the two authors’ permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

The Jarl was a simple man but he was no fool. Dementhus could speak the man’s language, that of power. Dementhus continued. “Not since the fall of Antium has an army wielded such steel. A steel that can slice through metal, flesh, and stone. No berserker clan can stop you if your men are properly commanded.” The Jarl looked away from the Golem and smiled at Dementhus, a bloodthirsty look in his eyes. “I look forward to testing the new weapons in battle.” Dementhus bowed to the Jarl. “Ivor, your people have humbled me. Soon the Ragnar will overflow with the spoils of war and expand their dominion until it stretches from the mountains, to Arkos, the oceans, and beyond.”

Markup
Click to go to the result.

The Jarl was The jarl was a simple man but man, but he was no fool. Dementhus could speak the man’s language, that language: that of power. Dementhus continued. power. So he continued: “Not since the fall of Antium has an army wielded such steel. A steel that can slice through metal, flesh, and stone. No berserker clan No Berserker clan can stop you if your men are properly commanded.” The Jarl looked away from The jarl turned from the Golem and smiled at Dementhus, a bloodthirsty Golem to Dementhus and smiled, a bloodthirsty look in his eyes. “I look forward to testing the “I can hardly wait to test the new weapons in battle.” [My suggested revisions in this paragraph are to repair awkwardness with the repeated use of the word “look”: “The jarl looked away” and “I look forward” as well as “a bloodthirsty look in his eyes.” I changed the first two and preserved the “a bloodthirsty look.”] Dementhus bowed to the Jarl. the jarl. “Ivor, your people have humbled me. Soon the Ragnar will overflow with the spoils of war and expand their dominion until it stretches from the mountains, to Arkos, the oceans, and beyond.”

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

The jarl was a simple man, but he was no fool. Dementhus could speak the man’s language: that of power. So he continued: “Not since the fall of Antium has an army wielded such steel. A steel that can slice through metal, flesh, and stone. No Berserker clan can stop you if your men are properly commanded.” The jarl turned from the Golem to Dementhus and smiled, a bloodthirsty look in his eyes. “I can hardly wait to test the new weapons in battle.” Dementhus bowed to the jarl. “Ivor, your people have humbled me. Soon the Ragnar will overflow with the spoils of war and expand their dominion until it stretches from the mountains, to Arkos, the oceans, and beyond.”