Copyediting sample 36:
A vampire's birthday

In the original manuscript of this novel were problems with punctuation, tense, word order, and sentence structure.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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Before I knew where the time had gone, it was almost my birthday. I decided not to have a party because it would be too close to Ambroses big vampire event of the millennium. I had received an invitation even though he had stopped writing to me after the curtness of my last letter. I wasn't the slightest bit surprised when I saw that his celebration was supposed to take place in an incredibly exotic location, and Howard said that I should ride on the companies private jet with him. Almost every Eternal in the world had been invited, and although the party itself was only going to last one night, there were matters of business that would keep nearly everyone there for over a week. On my birthday Howard had surprised me with a small dinner party in my honor. He hosted it at his penthouse and invited only Betty, Rudolph, Carlos, Will and Sam. It was a wonderfully easy going evening. When dinner was over it was time to open gifts and have a few drinks on the patio. Carlos gave me an elaborate, detailed, scientific sketch of a Jasmine flower. It was signed CD and it looked like something from an old botany text. Will and Sam gave me pair of boots I had admired the week before while shopping with Sam. They were tall, over the knee and made of the softest brown calf skin I had ever felt. Howard produced a green silk box as long as my arm, it contained a short sword custom made for my grip and style of fighting. It shone beautifully and had a star sapphire in the hilt. “An interesting choice of gift.” Will leaned back in his chair, spitting out his words a little too curtly. “Oh, he has been giving me lessons in sword play.” I ran my hand over the shining blade, not seeing how stiff and uncomfortable Howard had become. “Yes, she wanted to learn.” He put his hand on my shoulder not breaking eye contact with Will. “No harm in that, so long as no one gets hurt.” Will smiled, his face screaming ‘fake’.

Markup
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Before I knew where the time had gone, it was almost my birthday. I decided not to have a party because party, because it would be too close to Ambroses big to Ambrose's big vampire event of the millennium Vampire Event of the Millennium. [I suggest you use initial caps for the preceding phrase, to highlight that a once-in-a-thousand-year event is indeed "big"] I had received an invitation even invitation, even though he had stopped writing to me after the curtness of my last letter. I wasn't the slightest bit surprised when I When I saw that his celebration was supposed to take place in an incredibly exotic location, and Howard location, I wasn't the slightest bit surprised. [You achieve better cohesiveness when you order things as they occur: Howard was not surprised after she saw where the celebration would be. Also, joining the "Howard said..." clause with the preceding makes a run-on sentence; you achieve better emphasis by making that clause a new sentence.] Howard said that I should ride on the companies private jet with him. Almost [ride in the jet, not on it. Better cohesiveness to keep "with him" closer to Howard] ride with him in the company's private jet. Almost every Eternal in the world had been invited, and although the party itself was only going to last one [for better precision, "only" should be close to the words it is restricting] was going to last only one night, there were matters of business that would keep nearly everyone there for over a week. [Your sentence begins with "Almost every Eternal" and later you have "nearly everyone"; I suggest you drop either "Almost" or "nearly." Either every single Eternal was invited, or every invitee would have to stay over for business.] On my birthday Howard had surprised [let's stay with simple narrative past, since you are elaborating for several pages on the birthday, not reaching back into the setup past-perfect time] Howard surprised me with a small dinner party in my honor. He hosted it at his penthouse and invited only Betty, Rudolph, Carlos, Will and [trade-book publishers generally adhere to Chicago Manual of Style, which recommends series comma] Will, and Sam. [is there a reason for the order of these invitees, or is it random? Unless you have a strong reason for the preceding order, a reason that would be evident to your reader, you can improve readability by ordering the names according to how they are described in the following sentences: Carlos, Will, Sam, Betty, and Rudolph] It was a wonderfully easy going evening wonderfully easygoing evening. [I recommend a paragraph break here] When dinner was over it over, it was time to open gifts and have a few drinks on the patio. Carlos gave me an elaborate, detailed, scientific sketch of a Jasmine flower a jasmine flower. It was signed CD and signed CD, and it looked like something from an old botany text. Will and Sam gave me pair of boots I had admired the week before while shopping with Sam. They were tall, over the knee and knee, and made of the softest brown calf skin I brown calfskin I had ever felt. Howard produced a green silk box as long as my arm, it arm; it contained a short sword custom made for sword custom-made for my grip and style of fighting. It shone beautifully and had a star sapphire in the hilt. “An interesting choice of gift.” [Up to this point in the manuscript, you have been using the "tick" form of apostrophe (') and quotation marks ("..." and '...'); now you are using the “curly” forms (’ and “...” and ‘...’). We need to be consistent. I have revised to the curly forms throughout] Will leaned back in his chair, spitting out his words a little too curtly. “Oh, he has been giving me lessons in sword play.” I ran my in swordplay,” I said, running my hand over the shining blade, not seeing how blade, at first not noticing how stiff and uncomfortable Howard had become. [Change OK? The narrator cannot report what she cannot discern, but she can later report that "at first" she did not notice] “Yes, she wanted to learn.” He put his hand on my shoulder not shoulder, not breaking eye contact with Will. “No harm in that, so long as no one gets hurt.” Will smiled, his face screaming ‘fake’ screaming fake.

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

Before I knew where the time had gone, it was almost my birthday. I decided not to have a party, because it would be too close to Ambrose’s big Vampire Event of the Millennium. I had received an invitation, even though he had stopped writing to me after the curtness of my last letter. When I saw that his celebration was supposed to take place in an incredibly exotic location, I wasn’t the slightest bit surprised. Howard said that I should ride with him in the company’s private jet. Almost every Eternal in the world had been invited, and although the party itself was going to last only one night, there were matters of business that would keep everyone there for over a week. On my birthday Howard surprised me with a small dinner party in my honor. He hosted it at his penthouse and invited only Carlos, Will, Sam, Betty, and Rudolph. It was a wonderfully easygoing evening. When dinner was over, it was time to open gifts and have a few drinks on the patio. Carlos gave me an elaborate, detailed, scientific sketch of a jasmine flower. It was signed CD, and it looked like something from an old botany text. Will and Sam gave me pair of boots I had admired the week before while shopping with Sam. They were tall, over the knee, and made of the softest brown calfskin I had ever felt. Howard produced a green silk box as long as my arm; it contained a short sword custom-made for my grip and style of fighting. It shone beautifully and had a star sapphire in the hilt. “An interesting choice of gift.” Will leaned back in his chair, spitting out his words a little too curtly. “Oh, he has been giving me lessons in swordplay,” I said, running my hand over the shining blade, at first not noticing how stiff and uncomfortable Howard had become. “Yes, she wanted to learn.” He put his hand on my shoulder, not breaking eye contact with Will. “No harm in that, so long as no one gets hurt.” Will smiled, his face screaming fake.