Substantive editing sample 32:
Swiveling

In this sample, I needed to point out an illogical action of the narrator swiveling his head in search of someone whose appearance he has not a clue before he remembers that he is at the bar to search for her. I proposed a solution in the markup, and you can see (in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS) how in his review the author accepted most of my solution (paring it down more economically).

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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I followed her to one bar where (in poor taste, I felt) she ordered a mix of a popular energy drink and vodka and I (more out of habit than good taste) ordered a gin and tonic. I remembered suddenly that we were here to find my daughter and I tried to stop my head from swiveling around in search of her, an exercise in futility insofar as I had never seen her and had even failed to sketch some figment of her in my mind.

Markup
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I followed her to one bar where to one of the bars, where (in poor taste, I felt) she ordered a mix of a popular energy drink and vodka and I (more out of habit than good taste) ordered a gin and tonic. I remembered suddenly that we were here were there to find my daughter and daughter, and I tried to stop my head from swiveling around in search of her, an exercise in futility insofar as I had never seen her and had even failed to sketch some figment of her in my mind. [Here is the problem with the preceding long sentence. Narrator Gordon “remembered suddenly” that he and Vanessa were there to find his daughter, and then he “tried to stop” his head “from swiveling in search of her”? That implies that up until the time he remembered to look for Dresden, a daughter whom he has never met nor even seen a picture of, he was swiveling his head in search of her—which does not make sense. Why would he be swiveling in search of her before he remembered that he was there to search for her? Consider the following revision: “I remembered suddenly that we were there to find my daughter, and I began swiveling my head around in search of her. Soon I stopped, however, recognizing the swiveling as an exercise in futility insofar as I had never seen her and had even failed to sketch some figment of her in my mind.”]

The Author’s Review
in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS
Click to go to the second-pass result.

I followed her to one bar where to one of the bars, where (in poor taste, I felt) she ordered a mix of a popular energy drink and vodka and I (more out of habit than good taste) ordered a gin and tonic. I remembered suddenly that we were here were there to find my daughter and daughter, and I tried to stop my head from swiveling around in search of her, an exercise in futility insofar as I had never seen her and had even failed to sketch some figment of her in my mind. [Here is the problem with the preceding long sentence. Narrator Gordon “remembered suddenly” that he and Vanessa were there to find his daughter, and then he “tried to stop” his head “from swiveling in search of her”? That implies that up until the time he remembered to look for Dresden, a daughter whom he has never met nor even seen a picture of, he was swiveling his head in search of her—which does not make sense. Why would he be swiveling in search of her before he remembered that he was there to search for her? Consider the following revision: “I remembered suddenly that we were there to find my daughter, and I began swiveling my head around in search of her. Soon I stopped, however, recognizing the swiveling as an exercise in futility insofar as I had never seen her and had even failed to sketch some figment of her in my mind.”] CHANGE TO "I REMEMBERED SUDDENLY THAT WERE WERE THERE TO FIND MY DAUGHTER, AND I BEGAN SWIVELING MY HEAD AROUND IN SEARCH OF HER—AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY INSOFAR AS I HAD NEVER SEEN HER AND HAD EVEN FAILED TO SKETCH SOME FIGMENT OF HER IN MY MIND." NO NEED FOR HIM TO TRY TO STOP SWIVELING.

The Second-Pass Result
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I followed her to one of the bars, where (in poor taste, I felt) she ordered a mix of a popular energy drink and vodka and I (more out of habit than good taste) ordered a gin and tonic. I remembered suddenly that we were there to find my daughter, and I began swiveling my head around in search of her— an exercise in futility insofar as I had never seen her and had even failed to sketch some figment of her in my mind.