Substantive editing sample 41:
A patriotic teenager

In this novel, there are problems with misleading modifiers, mixed metaphors, ambiguity, historical appropriateness, lack of emphasis, and word choice.

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Original
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Mickey's new home is an obscure sector of South Texas, a hot, barren landscape cluttered with palm and mesquite trees accenting the broad expanses of impenetrable brush and cactus. He quickly adjusts to the immense culture shock, but suddenly, his docile world crashes swiftly around him. The unexpected dread of nuclear war brought on by the Cuban missile crisis confronts him, confounding his carefree existence. John F. Kennedy, his cherished catholic president, is summarily assassinated while he stands leisurely outside the shop class at his high school, listening in horror to the incident on a car radio during recess. Stunned by the events unfolding in his young life, he struggles with the reality that even his new favorite TV shows...Father Knows Best, and Leave it to Beaver, are rapidly being overshadowed by the evening news broadcasts. Night after night, black and white images of American boys dying in the steamy jungles of a distant land, shock his fledging adolescent sensitivities. With his peers confronted with the same grim circumstances, he makes the simple commitment to serve his country. Many of his classmates make profoundly different choices...seeking deferments of convenience, or refuge in Canada. With his decision made, he sets out on a life altering quest to fulfill his obligation to his beloved country and to himself. Along the way, he faces severe challenges, but none more intense than his endeavor to preserve his basic values, his honor, his morals, comforted ultimately with his integrity still intact. His path is nurtured by the cadre of brave and honorable men he encounters, shaping and molding his character throughout the process.

Markup
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Mickey's Mickey’s [the manuscript is inconsistent between the "tick" apostrophe and the “curly” one; let’s stick with the curly one (also with single and double quotation marks)] new home is an obscure sector of South Texas south Texas, a hot, barren hot, mostly barren landscape cluttered with palm landscape, its barrenness relieved by scattered palm and mesquite trees accenting the broad expanses of impenetrable brush and cactus. [My change OK here? "barren" denotes lifeless, devoid of vegetation, desert, so I would say the Kingsville area is mostly barren; and the spare vegetation relieves, not clutters (a negative connotation)] He quickly adjusts to the immense culture shock, but suddenly, his but it isn't long before his docile world crashes swiftly around world crashes around him. ["quickly adjusts" and "suddenly" startles your reader, at least initially, with a seeming contradiction; also "suddenly" and "swiftly" are, in this context, redundant. Then "suddenly" and the next sentence's "unexpected" are also redundant... Anyway, since the Cuban missile crisis was in October 1962 and JFK's assassination was 13 months later, in November 1963, I don't think "suddenly" and "swiftly" apply] The unexpected dread of nuclear war brought on by the Cuban missile crisis confronts him, confounding his carefree existence. John existence. Then, just a year later, [OK?] while he stands leisurely outside his high school shop class, his cherished Catholic president, John F.Kennedy, his cherished catholic president, is summarily assassinated while he stands leisurely outside the shop class at his high school, listening in horror to the incident on a car radio during recess Kennedy, is summarily assassinated. [your version implies that JFK was killed while standing leisurely outside the shop class; also ending your sentence on "assassinated" rather than "during recess" delivers more emphatic punch] In horror, the teen listens on a car radio during recess to the incident taking place in his own state. [insertion of the preceding 6 words OK? why not emphasize how close Dallas was to him?] Stunned by the events unfolding in his young life, he struggles with the reality that even his new favorite TV shows...Father shows, Father Knows Best, and Best and Leave it to Leave It to Beaver, are rapidly being overshadowed by the evening news broadcasts. Night after night, black and white images of American boys dying in the steamy jungles of a distant land, shock land shock his fledging adolescent his fledgling, adolescent sensitivities. With his peers confronted with the same grim Confronted with these grim circumstances, he makes the simple commitment to serve his country. [(1) That the peers are confronted with the same circumstances is irrelevant to Mickey's decision. (2) You could end the sentence this way, tying in JFK, "cherished" a couple of paragraphs earlier, with an echo of the well-known quote: (A) "... he makes the simple commitment to serve his country, internalizing President Kennedy’s exhortation to ask not what his country could do for him but rather what he could do for his country." or, perhaps better, and simpler, since the end of your paragraph already--sort of--echoes JFK (and probably every reader knows the quote), just this: (B) "... he makes the simple commitment to serve his country, internalizing the martyred president’s exhortation."--what do you think? (Later comment: I now vote for choice A, ending the sentence on the word "exhortation," because you have the full quote in Chapter 3)] Many of his classmates make profoundly different choices...seeking deferments choices: seeking either deferments of convenience, or convenience or refuge in Canada. [my inserted "either" ensures that your reader will not misread your sentence as implying there is such a weird thing as "deferments of refuge" (I think your comma was trying to avoid that misreading, but that comma violates a Chicago Manual style rule--not, of course, that we can't sometimes violate Chicago rules, but we need a better reason)] With his decision made, he sets out on a life altering quest a life-altering quest to fulfill his obligation to his beloved country and to himself. Along the way, he faces severe challenges, but none challenges, none more intense than his endeavor to preserve his basic values, his honor, his morals, comforted ultimately with his integrity still [I revised your series, since morals is closer in meaning to values; also the phrase about "integrity still intact" works better as an independent clause after the series rather than awkwardly being an append to the series] values, his morals, and his honor, but he is ultimately comforted ultimately with his integrity still intact. His path is nurtured by the cadre of brave and honorable men he encounters, shaping and molding his intact. His quest is supported by the cadre of brave and honorable men he encounters, who help to mold his character throughout the process. ["path is nurtured" is a mixed metaphor (how can one nurture a path?), but the cadre can support a quest, that word introduced in the preceding paragraph. And process is a valid synonym in this context with quest. Also shape and mold mean the same thing and so are redundant (I retained one of them). We get rid of the ambiguity about who does the molding--Mickey? or the men he encounters?--with the "who ..." clause. Finally, I think the cadre should only share the credit for the molding (Mickey does some of the molding on his own), so "help to" is appropriate]

Result
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Mickey’s new home is an obscure sector of south Texas, a hot, mostly barren landscape, its barrenness relieved by scattered palm and mesquite trees accenting the broad expanses of impenetrable brush and cactus. He quickly adjusts to the immense culture shock, but it isn't long before his docile world crashes around him. The unexpected dread of nuclear war brought on by the Cuban missile crisis confronts him, confounding his carefree existence. Then, just a year later, while he stands leisurely outside his high school shop class, his cherished Catholic president, John F.Kennedy, is summarily assassinated. In horror, the teen listens on a car radio during recess to the incident taking place in his own state. Stunned by the events unfolding in his young life, he struggles with the reality that even his new favorite TV shows, Father Knows Best and Leave It to Beaver, are rapidly being overshadowed by the evening news broadcasts. Night after night, black and white images of American boys dying in the steamy jungles of a distant land shock his fledgling, adolescent sensitivities. With his peers confronted with the same grim circumstances, he makes the simple commitment to serve his country, internalizing the martyred president’s exhortation. Many of his classmates make profoundly different choices: seeking either deferments of convenience or refuge in Canada. With his decision made, he sets out on a life-altering quest to fulfill his obligation to his beloved country and to himself. Along the way, he faces severe challenges, none more intense than his endeavor to preserve his basic values, his morals, and his honor, but he is ultimately comforted ultimately with his integrity still intact. His quest is supported by the cadre of brave and honorable men he encounters, who help to mold his character throughout the process.