Substantive editing sample 62:
OK for 1966?

In these excerpts from a screen play, the substantive editor had to be sensitive to language that would be anachronistic in 1966, when the action is supposed to take place.

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5. RICHIE Put it on and let's give it a shot. Steve lifts arm of record player. STEVE Ready?   RICHIE One Two Three... MUSIC: "Last Train to Clarksville" by the Monkees Steve is completely off beat on the drums while Richie and John struggle with their guitars. After a minute or two they stop playing until it's only Steve hitting the bass drum. SOUND: BOOMING BASS DRUM. RICHIE (CONT'D) Steve...stop! Steve still plays. RICHIE (CONT'D) Steve...stop! Steve continues to play until Richie kicks over his snare drum. STEVE Hey, Fuck you. I thought we sounded alright.   JOHN We sucked.   RICHIE We need to practice more.   STEVE It wasn't too bad. Was it?   JOHN We sucked a big one. As the boys struggle to play the song again along with the record DOLORES TANKE, Richie's Mother enters the garage. In her mid-thirties, Dolores is slim, easy to smile and attractive. DOLORES Pretty cool, guys.   JOHN You mean that, Mrs. Tanke?   STEVE Come on. How did we really sound?   DOLORES Good but--   JOHN Hey thanks.   STEVE If we had bigger amps, we'd sound better. Wouldn't ya say?   DOLORES Well, I'd say it's time to pack it in for now. School tomorrow. Right?   STEVE First day.

15. SOUND: STUDENT LAUGHTER With the force of a gale wind, Mrs. Rigatelli again blows into her whistle. SOUND: SHRILL POLICE WHISTLE MRS. RIGATELLI Shut your traps! Cafeteria grows quiet. MRS. RIGATELLI (CONT'D) Mr. Rivera, get back to your seat and finish your lunch. And you Mr. Kayne, clean up. As Steve is picking up bits and pieces of his lunch, CAROL GOLDSTEIN, a pretty long haired tenth grader wearing a long denim skirt joins him on the floor and helps clean up. STEVE Hey, thanks.   CAROL No problem.   STEVE Say, aren't you in my English Class?   CAROL Yeah. Wescott's cool.   STEVE I've never seen--   CAROL My family just moved here from California.   STEVE California. Wow! They finish cleaning up and take seats at a empty lunch table. CAROL You're welcome to some of my lunch. But I gotta tell you, I'm a vegan.   STEVE That's alright.   CAROL Do you know what a vegetarian is?   STEVE You have allergies or something?   CAROL No, silly, I just don't eat meat or anything that was alive. It's cruel to eat animals. Don't you think so?

16. STEVE Oh, yeah. I never eat--   CAROL Wasn't that a hot dog you picked up from the floor?   STEVE Well, yeah. But I got that for uh...John. Besides a hot dog isn't really meat. Is it?   CAROL Close enough. Here try some of this. I made it fresh this morning. Carol dips a carrot into a container of brown gunk and hands it to Steve who inspects the carrot for a moment before placing it in his mouth. STEVE Not bad, what is it?   CAROL Humus.   STEVE What?   CAROL It's mashed chick peas with tahini sauce. Here try some more.   STEVE Thanks. I... Suddenly, an enraged Tony is standing across the table from Steve and Carol. TONY Listen up, Faggot. The first time I catch you outside the school, you're dead meat. You got that? Mrs. Rigatelli comes up behind Tony and GRABS his ear. MRS. RIGATELLI I think you lost your seat Mr. Rivera.   TONY Ow! Ow!   MRS. RIGATELLI Isn't that it over there?

17. TONY Yeah. Let go!   MRS. RIGATELLI I will when I see you heading in the right direction. Mrs. Rigatelli leads Tony off by the ear. EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL -- AFTERNOON Steve and Carol walk home. STEVE You like rock music?   CAROL Who doesn't?   STEVE Well, uh...I play the drums.   CAROL Cool!   STEVE Yeah. My group's playing in the battle of the bands.   CAROL Got a name?   STEVE Yeah. We call ourselves The Bunch. It's me, John, and Tanke.   CAROL Cool. My ex boyfriend played lead in an acid rock band called the "Dead Cops". They did Hendricks and the Jefferson Airplane.   STEVE Wow!   CAROL Who are you guys into?   STEVE Well, right now we're doing the Monkees and the Archies--

84. Smith shakes his fist at the retreating Wescott. SMITH You fucken coward. You god damn fucken coward!   STUDENTS Chicken. chicken. Steve turns to Carol. STEVE I can't believe Wescott let him do that.   CAROL He was practicing nonviolence like Gandhi or Doctor King. Didn't you see it?   STEVE All I saw was Wescott wimping out.   CAROL A wimp? Is that what you think he is? Carol turns from Steve and walks away. INT. STEVE'S LIVING ROOM -- MORNING David sits alone staring at TV watching the show "The Price is Right." SHOW M.C. And what's your bid on this beautiful living room set with deep shag carpeting from Mohawk?   WOMAN CONTESTANT Uh, Uh..$5,000, no $5,700, that's it $5,700!!   SHOW M.C. The actual retail price on this package is...   DAVID $8,550.00   SHOW M.C. $8,550.00. I'm sorry you didn't win!   DAVID I'm sorry.

99. INT. BACK OF CAFETERIA STAGE -- CONTINUOUS The Bunch nervously waits back stage. STEVE Are we ready for this?   RICHIE We got the song down. But are they gonna like it?   CAROL Look, if you guys have your doubts, then let's just play Clarksville.   RICHIE We couldn't--   CAROL I'm only pulling your chain. We're going to do just fine. John, a bandage over his eye, comes up to Carol, Richie and Steve. CAROL (CONT'D) Boy, I'm glad to see you.   JOHN I wasn't going to miss this for anything.   RICHIE I think we're up.   STEVE Shit.   SURACI Next, on the program is the group known as The Bunch. The students hardly clap. The Bunch takes to the stage. A few boos and sneers. RICHIE Are you folks ready to rock? Silence RICHIE Well, that's cool. One, two three!!!

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5. RICHIE Put it on and Put it on again and let's give it a shot. Steve lifts arm of record player. Steve lifts the arm of the record player. The other boys lift up their guitars. STEVE Ready?   RICHIE One Two Three... One, two, three... MUSIC: "Last Train to Clarksville" by the Monkees Steve is completely off beat on the drums while Richie Steve goes to his drums. He is completely off beat, while Richie and John struggle with their guitars. After a minute or two they After a minute or two, they stop playing until it's only Steve hitting the bass drum. SOUND: BOOMING BASS DRUM. RICHIE (CONT'D) Steve...stop! Steve still plays. RICHIE (CONT'D) Steve...stop! Steve continues to play until Richie kicks over his snare drum. STEVE Hey, Fuck you. I thought we sounded alright. Hey, fuck you. I thought we sounded all right.   JOHN We sucked.   RICHIE We need to practice more.   STEVE It wasn't too bad. Was it?   JOHN We sucked a big one. As the boys struggle to play the song again along with the record DOLORES TANKE, Richie's Mother enters Richie's mother, enters the garage. In her mid-thirties, Dolores is slim, easy to smile and attractive. DOLORES Pretty cool, guys.   JOHN You mean that, Mrs. Tanke?   STEVE Come on. How did we really sound?   DOLORES Good but-- Good, but--   JOHN Hey thanks.   STEVE If we had bigger amps, we'd sound better. Wouldn't ya say? we'd sound better, wouldn't ya say?   DOLORES Well, I'd say it's time to pack it in for now. [The expression "pack it in" was not used in 1966. How about "call it quits for now"?] School tomorrow. Right?   STEVE First day.

15. SOUND: STUDENT LAUGHTER With the force of a gale wind, Mrs. Rigatelli again blows into her whistle. SOUND: SHRILL POLICE WHISTLE MRS. RIGATELLI Shut your traps! Cafeteria grows quiet. MRS. RIGATELLI (CONT'D) Mr. Rivera, get back to your seat and finish your lunch. And you, Mr. Kayne, And you Mr. Kayne, clean up. As Steve is picking up bits and pieces of his lunch, CAROL GOLDSTEIN, a pretty long haired tenth grader wearing pretty, long-haired tenth-grader, wearing a long denim skirt joins skirt, joins him on the floor and helps clean up. STEVE Hey, thanks.   CAROL No problem.   STEVE Say, aren't you in my English Class? English class?   CAROL Yeah. Wescott's cool.   STEVE I've never seen--   CAROL My family just moved here from California.   STEVE California. Wow! They finish cleaning up and take seats at a empty at an empty lunch table. CAROL You're welcome to some of my lunch. But I gotta tell you, I'm a vegan. [The term "vegan" was not used in 1966. I suggest you stick with "vegetarian."]   STEVE That's alright. all right.   CAROL Do you know what a vegetarian is?   STEVE You have allergies or something?   CAROL No, silly, I just don't eat meat or anything that was alive. It's cruel to eat animals. Don't you think so?

16. STEVE Oh, yeah. I never eat--   CAROL Wasn't that a hot dog you picked up from the floor?   STEVE Well, yeah. But I got that for uh...John. Besides a hot dog isn't really meat. Is it?   CAROL Close enough. Here try Here, try some of this. I made it fresh this morning. Carol dips a carrot into a container of brown gunk and hands it to Steve who Steve, who inspects the carrot for a moment before placing it in his mouth. STEVE Not bad, what is it? Not bad. What is it?   CAROL Humus. Hummus. [Humus is composted soil.]   STEVE What?   CAROL It's mashed chick peas with tahini sauce. [Tahini sauce was not widely known in 1966, even in California. Long Island Steve would certainly not understand the term. Why not use "sesame sauce"?] Here try Here, try some more.   STEVE Thanks. I... Thanks. I-- [For interrupted speech, use "--"; for pauses within or at the end of a speech, use "..."] Suddenly, an enraged Tony [Why would Tony be "enraged"? He has not been humiliated by Steve--just scolded by Mrs. Rigatelli. I think "belligerent" is a better word here.] is standing across the table from Steve and Carol. TONY Listen up, Faggot. Listen up, faggot. The first time I catch you outside the school, you're dead meat. [I suspect that the phrase "dead meat" would not have been used in 1966 in a Long Island school. How about replacing "You're dead meat" with "I'm beating you up"?] You got that? Mrs. Rigatelli comes up behind Tony and GRABS his ear. MRS. RIGATELLI I think you lost your seat Mr. Rivera. seat, Mr. Rivera.   TONY Ow! Ow!   MRS. RIGATELLI Isn't that it over there?

17. TONY Yeah. Let go!   MRS. RIGATELLI I will when I see you heading in the right direction. Mrs. Rigatelli leads Tony off by the ear. EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL -- AFTERNOON Steve and Carol walk home. STEVE You like rock music?   CAROL Who doesn't?   STEVE Well, uh...I play the drums.   CAROL Cool!   STEVE Yeah. My group's playing in the battle of the bands.   CAROL Got a name?   STEVE Yeah. We call ourselves The Bunch. "The Bunch." It's me, John, and Tanke.   CAROL Cool. My ex boyfriend ex-boyfriend played lead in an acid rock band called the "Dead Cops". "Dead Cops." They did Hendricks Hendrix and the Jefferson Airplane. [My source on the Web has Hendrix, who died in 1970, getting famous with Experience in England no earlier than 1967. In 1966 he was a relative unknown.]   STEVE Wow!   CAROL Who are you guys into?   STEVE Well, right now we're doing the Monkees and the Archies--

84. Smith shakes his fist at the retreating Wescott. SMITH You fucken coward. fuckin' coward! You god damn fucken coward! Goddamn fuckin' coward!   STUDENTS Chicken. chicken. Chicken! Chicken! Steve turns to Carol. STEVE I can't believe Wescott believe Mr. Wescott let Wescott would let him do that. [The phrase "I can't believe" was not used in 1966 to denote being shocked or disappointed; how about replacing "I can't believe" with "I'm really shocked that" or "I'm really disappointed that" or, probably appropriate for Steve, "I'm pissed off that"?]   CAROL He was practicing nonviolence like Gandhi or Doctor King. Didn't you see it?   STEVE All I saw was Wescott wimping out. chickening out. [The term "wimp" was not used in 1966; "chicken" is better.]   CAROL A wimp? chicken? Is that what you think he is? Carol turns from Steve and walks away. INT. STEVE'S LIVING ROOM -- MORNING David sits alone staring at TV watching the show David sits alone, staring at the TV, watching "The Price is Right." "The Price Is Right." [The show "The Price Is Right" did not premiere until 1972. I suggest "Truth or Consequences"--and you will need to fix all the text in cyan highlight.] SHOW M.C. And what's your bid on this beautiful living room set with deep shag carpeting from Mohawk?   WOMAN CONTESTANT Uh, Uh..$5,000, no $5,700, that's it $5,700!! Uh, uh...$5,000. No, $5,700. That's it, $5,700!!   SHOW M.C. The actual retail price on this package is...   DAVID $8,550.00 $8,550.   SHOW M.C. $8,550.00 $8,550. I'm sorry you didn't win!   DAVID I'm sorry.

99. INT. BACK OF CAFETERIA STAGE -- CONTINUOUS The Bunch nervously waits wait back stage. backstage. STEVE Are we ready for this?   RICHIE We got the song down. But are they gonna like it?   CAROL Look, if you guys have your doubts, then let's just play Clarksville. "Clarksville."   RICHIE We couldn't--   CAROL I'm only pulling your chain. [The phrase "pulling your chain" was not used in 1966. I suggest "pulling your leg" or "kidding."] We're going to do just fine. John, a bandage over his eye, comes up to Carol, Richie and Steve. Carol, Richie, and Steve. CAROL (CONT'D) Boy, I'm glad to see you.   JOHN I wasn't going to miss this for anything.   RICHIE I think we're up.   STEVE Shit.   SURACI Next, on the program is the group known as The the Bunch. The students hardly clap. The Bunch takes to the stage. A few boos and sneers. RICHIE Are you folks ready to rock? Silence Silence. RICHIE Well, that's cool. One, two three!!! One, two, three!!!

Result
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5. RICHIE Put it on again and let's give it a shot. Steve lifts the arm of the record player. The other boys lift up their guitars. STEVE Ready?   RICHIE One, two, three... MUSIC: "Last Train to Clarksville" by the Monkees Steve goes to his drums. He is completely off beat, while Richie and John struggle with their guitars. After a minute or two, they stop playing until it's only Steve hitting the bass drum. SOUND: BOOMING BASS DRUM. RICHIE (CONT'D) Steve...stop! Steve still plays. RICHIE (CONT'D) Steve...stop! Steve continues to play until Richie kicks over his snare drum. STEVE Hey, fuck you. I thought we sounded all right.   JOHN We sucked.   RICHIE We need to practice more.   STEVE It wasn't too bad. Was it?   JOHN We sucked a big one. As the boys struggle to play the song again along with the record DOLORES TANKE, Richie's mother, enters the garage. In her mid-thirties, Dolores is slim, easy to smile and attractive. DOLORES Pretty cool, guys.   JOHN You mean that, Mrs. Tanke?   STEVE Come on. How did we really sound?   DOLORES Good, but--   JOHN Hey thanks.   STEVE If we had bigger amps, we'd sound better, wouldn't ya say?   DOLORES Well, I'd say it's time for Elvis and his boys to call it quits. School tomorrow. Right?   STEVE First day.

15. SOUND: STUDENT LAUGHTER With the force of a gale wind, Mrs. Rigatelli again blows into her whistle. SOUND: SHRILL POLICE WHISTLE MRS. RIGATELLI Shut your traps! Cafeteria grows quiet. MRS. RIGATELLI (CONT'D) Mr. Rivera, get back to your seat and finish your lunch. And you, Mr. Kayne, clean up. As Steve is picking up bits and pieces of his lunch, CAROL GOLDSTEIN, a pretty, long-haired tenth-grader, wearing a long denim skirt, joins him on the floor and helps clean up. STEVE Hey, thanks.   CAROL No problem.   STEVE Say, aren't you in my English class?   CAROL Yeah. Wescott's cool.   STEVE I've never seen--   CAROL My family just moved here from California.   STEVE California. Wow! They finish cleaning up and take seats at an empty lunch table. CAROL You're welcome to some of my lunch. But I gotta tell you, I'm a vegetarian.   STEVE That's all right.   CAROL Do you know what a vegetarian is?   STEVE You have allergies or something?   CAROL No, silly, I just don't eat meat or anything that was alive. It's cruel to eat animals. Don't you think so?

16. STEVE Oh, yeah. I never eat--   CAROL Wasn't that a hot dog you picked up from the floor?   STEVE Well, yeah. But I got that for uh...John. Besides a hot dog isn't really meat. Is it?   CAROL Close enough. Here, try some of this. I made it fresh this morning. Carol dips a carrot into a container of brown gunk and hands it to Steve, who inspects the carrot for a moment before placing it in his mouth. STEVE Not bad. What is it?   CAROL Hummus.   STEVE What?   CAROL It's mashed chick peas with sesame sauce. Here, try some more.   STEVE Thanks. I-- Suddenly, a belligerent Tony is standing across the table from Steve and Carol. TONY Listen up, faggot. The first time I catch you outside the school, I'm beating you up. You got that? Mrs. Rigatelli comes up behind Tony and GRABS his ear. MRS. RIGATELLI I think you lost your seat, Mr. Rivera.   TONY Ow! Ow!   MRS. RIGATELLI Isn't that it over there?

17. TONY Yeah. Let go!   MRS. RIGATELLI I will when I see you heading in the right direction. Mrs. Rigatelli leads Tony off by the ear. EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL -- AFTERNOON Steve and Carol walk home. STEVE You like rock music?   CAROL Who doesn't?   STEVE Well, uh...I play the drums.   CAROL Cool!   STEVE Yeah. My group's playing in the battle of the bands.   CAROL Got a name?   STEVE Yeah. We call ourselves "The Bunch." It's me, John, and Tanke.   CAROL Cool. My ex-boyfriend played lead in an acid rock band called the "Dead Cops." They did the Jefferson Airplane and Moby Grape.   STEVE Wow!   CAROL Who are you guys into?   STEVE Well, right now we're doing the Monkees and the Archies--

84. Smith shakes his fist at the retreating Wescott. SMITH You fuckin' coward! You Goddamn fuckin' coward!   STUDENTS Chicken! Chicken! Steve turns to Carol. STEVE I'm pissed off that Mr. Wescott would let him do that.   CAROL He was practicing nonviolence like Gandhi or Doctor King. Didn't you see it?   STEVE All I saw was Wescott chickening out.   CAROL A chicken? Is that what you think he is? Carol turns from Steve and walks away. INT. STEVE'S LIVING ROOM -- MORNING David sits alone, staring at the TV, watching "Truth or Consequences." SHOW M.C. What is greater than God, more evil than the devil; the poor have it, the rich need it, but if you eat it, you die?   WOMAN CONTESTANT Uh, uh...   DAVID Nothing. The woman contestant just looks confused. A long pause. SOUND OF BUZZER. SHOW M.C. I'm sorry, that's Beulah the Buzzer. You've run out of time. The answer is...NOTHING.   DAVID I'm sorry.   SHOW M.C. What is greater than God? Nothing. What is more evil than the devil? Nothing. What do the poor have? Nothing. What do the rich need? Nothing. And if you eat nothing, you will die. So, the answer is nothing. I'm sorry you didn't tell the truth; now you will have to suffer the consequences.   DAVID I'm sorry.

99. INT. BACK OF CAFETERIA STAGE -- CONTINUOUS The Bunch nervously wait backstage. STEVE Are we ready for this?   RICHIE We got the song down. But are they gonna like it?   CAROL Look, if you guys have your doubts, then let's just play "Clarksville."   RICHIE We couldn't--   CAROL I'm only kidding. We're going to do just fine. John, a bandage over his eye, comes up to Carol, Richie, and Steve. CAROL (CONT'D) Boy, I'm glad to see you.   JOHN I wasn't going to miss this for anything.   RICHIE I think we're up.   STEVE Shit.   SURACI Next, on the program is the group known as the Bunch. The students hardly clap. The Bunch takes to the stage. A few boos and sneers. RICHIE Are you folks ready to rock? Silence. RICHIE Well, that's cool. One, two, three!!!