Substantive editing sample 27:
Lonely sometimes

In this quirky dark novel, I suggested changing from the second person (inviting the reader to participate in the misanthropic narrator’s feelings) to first person (fully making the feelings poignantly personal). My suggested insertion of “however” was to ensure the reader understood the narrator was now contrasting his earlier statement. Note that the author preferred to italicize many words and phrases I would have left without italics; he insisted this was his stylistic choice, reminiscent of the works of authors Michel Houellebecq and Thomas Bernhard.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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Yes, it did get lonely sometimes, living by yourself in a land you still considered to be alien—a land you would always consider to be alien, even if it proved to be the location of your death. I don’t think I’d experienced pure loneliness all that often—two or three times per year at most. It’s easier for men, we don’t suffer the absence of conversation and caresses as deeply as women do; in fact, the only absence we truly suffer is that of someone to take our seed from us, to take it with love—or, failing that, with compassion—or, failing that, with believably feigned delight (you will agree that, in the hierarchy of human suffering, this species is quite low).

Markup
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Yes, it did get lonely sometimes, living by yourself by myself in a land you still I still considered to be alien—a land you land I would always consider to be alien, even if it proved if it would eventually prove to be the location of your of my death. [(1) Suggested revisions okay? The narrator is divulging his very personal ruminations here, not inviting the reader to join him by sharing the feelings. (2) Anyway, the phrase “proved to be the location of my death” would evoke an inappropriate (in this context) sense of impending doom.] I don’t think I’d experienced pure loneliness all that often—two often, however [insertion of “however” okay? the narrator is now contrasting what he stated in the preceding sentence] —two or three times per year at most. It’s easier for men, we men; we don’t suffer the absence of conversation and caresses as deeply as women do; in fact do. In fact, the only absence we truly suffer is that of someone to take our seed from us, to take it with love—or, failing that, with compassion—or, failing that, with believably feigned delight (you will agree that, in the hierarchy of human suffering, this species is quite low).

Result
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Yes, it did get lonely sometimes, living by myself in a land I still considered to be alien—a land I would always consider to be alien, even if it would eventually prove to be the location of my death. I don’t think I’d experienced pure loneliness all that often, however—two or three times per year at most. It’s easier for men; we don’t suffer the absence of conversation and caresses as deeply as women do. In fact, the only absence we truly suffer is that of someone to take our seed from us, to take it with love—or, failing that, with compassion—or, failing that, with believably feigned delight (you will agree that, in the hierarchy of human suffering, this species is quite low).