Substantive editing sample 56:
Light upon light

In religious text, an editor need not be an adherent of the author's belief system, but he or she must ensure that the result faithfully represents the author's religious tenets. Much religious writing employs extended metaphors—for example, likening a faithful servant of Allâh to a star or to a "lamp" resting on a "lustrous pillar"—and the editor should take a light hand with those comparisons. That said, there are usually numerous opportunities to improve such writing. I helped the two writers of this piece make their points more compelling by addressing the reader directly. I was also able to liven up the prose by changing frozen nouns into active verbs. In addition, I addressed problems with accuracy of scriptural citation (according to the Nooruddîn translation of the Qur’ân), American (not British) spelling of English words, parallelism, and usage. According to the instructions for this assignment, I needed to ensure that Arabic names and common words were transliterated according to the ‘Omar system, a modification of the UNGEGN [United Nations Group of Experts on Geographical Names] system (for example, muhaddathîn), not the International Journal of Middle East Studies [IJMES] system, a slight modification of the ALA-LC [American Library Association and the Library of Congress] system (for example, muḥaddathīn), the system I had followed on academic jobs that included transliterations from Arabic.

Note: The two authors of this piece were not native English speakers. They very much appreciated the heavy commentary that explained my thinking behind the many suggested revisions. The highlighted comments elucidated for them many of the subtle peculiarities of American English.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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Light upon Light Nûr ‘alâ Nûr “Allâh is the Extensive Light of the heavens and the earth” Nûr (- Light) is Allâh’s Attribute of incomparability (39:69) generated from His essence. Were it not for Allâh’s Light, no form would become manifest. It pierces through every object in cosmos, living or non-living. There is no shadow behind the object when it falls on it. It envelopes all objects and all other lights in the entire cosmos, and nothing remains deprived of His light. Every light, whether manifest, or hidden, visible on the intellectual heights or buried deep in the seas of ignorance, whether in illuminated souls or in bodies, whether in the spoken words or in thoughts, is the bounty of this Grace. This Light is the very source of all other lights. The perception of beauty comes only when the light falls on an object. Hafiz, the great mystic from Shirâz in Iran put it in these beautiful words: ‘Beloved Lord, let us know what lights said when they first discovered Your Light?’ Ibn Arabî, while referring to the Qur’ânic verse 41:11: “He directed Himself towards the space. It was a mass of dust”, says, ‘Allâh manifested Himself in Theophany through His Light to that dust, which contained the entire cosmos in potentiality and readiness. Each potential object inside the dust received from His Light in accordance with its preparedness (Isti'dâd). By bringing the two together Allâh made a mixture, something of the One entered into the other’. Allâh describes His relationship to His worshipping servant with a very beautiful metaphor: “Allâh is the Extensive Light of the heavens and the earth. His light can be compared to a lustrous pillar on which is a lamp. The lamp is inside a crystal globe. The globe of glass is as if it were a glittering star. The lamp is lit by the oil of a blessed olive tree, which belongs neither to the east nor to the west. Its oil is likely to glow forth of itself even if no fire touches it. This lamp is a combination of many lights, light upon light repeatedly. Allâh guides towards His light whoever desires to be enlightened. And Allâh sets forth excellent parables for the people” (24: 35-37). In the verses, Allâh compares His Light to a “lustrous pillar” on which is a “lamp” . Metaphorically, the “lamp” is the servant of Allâh raised in dignity by the “lustrous pillar”. These servants are His prophets and His friends (Auliyâ), the saints appointed by Him (Ma’mûr min Allâh), those with whom He spoke (Muhaddathîn), His appointed Reformers to remove the corruption that crept into His Faith (Mujuddadîn), and many others who came close to Him and whom He favoured with His sweet converse. The “lamp” is inside a crystal-globe, which protects the lamp from being extinguished. The servant of Allâh is protected by Divine Providence as a crystal-globe protects a weak flame from wind. Then He says that the crystal-globe is as if it were a glittering star. Allâh compares His beloved special servants with a star. The stars are numberless, so are His servants. The “puffs of wind” refer to their enemies and to the misguiding sermons and the words of the faithless. The “lustrous pillar” can also be the chests of the pious, “globe of glass” is their heart, which is a glittering star, “olive tree” is the Faith, which welds the whole world in its fold and grace and blessing of which is not confined to any one place or age or direction, but is everlasting. The “blessed tree” is “neither of the east nor of the west”, not limited to one people or one nation. The great Sufi saint Abdul Qâdir Jîlânî says that the “Blessed Olive Tree” is the Tree of Unity (Ahadiyyat), as being neither of the East or the West – that is it has neither a beginning nor an end, and unlike the sun, this Source of the Light has no rising or setting. It was always there and will remain forever. The “oil of the blessed tree” that lit “lamp” of Revelation, suffers neither from excess nor from deficiency, and has been made in the best mould of the fine, bright and high moral qualities nourished by the clear fountain of perfect human nature and reason. The Divine Light in the form of Revelation always descends in accord with the capacities (Isti’dâd) of the person to whom it is vouchsafed (5:15). Human nature is already prepared to receive the Light; it is like “oil that needs no ignition”, as this oil is radiating by itself from the Divine Light. “Light upon light, over and over” (Nûr alâ Nûr) refers to Divine Light when it falls on the gnostic. It also refers to other lights on which the Divine Light falls. One is the light of knowledge ('Iyân) when it shines on the path of wisdom, and the other is the light of guidance (Hadâya) that shines upon the path that leads to His proximity. Imagine someone asking a way to his destination in the darkness of the night. He may get a reply from someone saying, ‘I do not know’. Another describes him the way that is not exact, and yet another may misguide him. How can he be sure that he reaches his goals except when someone comes with a light and accompanies him to his destination? A servant of Allâh has a yearning for his Lord to reach Him. In his daily prayers, five times a day, he is asking for His Light of guidance (Hadâya): “Show us (Ihdinâ) the right path!” (1:6) he repeats several times a day. When the Creator of the worlds (Rabb al-‘Âlamîn), out of his special Mercy (Rahîmiyyat), shows His servant the right path, He does it by illuminating that path with His Light. This is Hadâya - the Light of guidance. The Guide then remains close to him and accompanies him.

Markup
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Light upon Light Nûr ‘alâ Nûr “Allâh is the Extensive Light of the heavens and the earth” earth” (24:35) Nûr (- Light) Nûr (Light) is Allâh’s Attribute of incomparability (39:69) generated [39:69 is incorrect; 24:35 is the proper citation, but I inserted it right after the verse (above), so it need not appear in this sentence] of Incomparability, generated from His essence His Essence. [I am ensuring conformance to your religious style of capitalizing nouns denoting Attributes (or other distinguishing facets) or Names (nicknames) of Allâh: Light (but not ordinary light), Attribute, Incomparability, Essence, Grace, Faith, Converse, Revelation, Mercy, Guide, Source, and so on; however, I am not imposing this rule on the scriptural citations, which must remain verbatim] Were it not for Allâh’s Light, no form would become manifest. It pierces through every object in cosmos in the cosmos, living or non-living. There or nonliving. There is no shadow behind the object when it falls when this Light falls on it. It envelopes all It envelops all objects and all other lights in the entire cosmos, and nothing remains deprived of His light. Every light, whether light—whether manifest, or manifest or hidden, visible hidden, whether visible on the intellectual heights or buried deep in the seas of ignorance, whether in illuminated souls or in bodies, whether in the spoken words or in thoughts, is thoughts—is the bounty of this Grace. This Light is the very source of all other lights. The perception of beauty comes only when the light falls when this Light falls on an object. Hafiz, the object. Hâfiz, the great mystic from Shirâz in Iran put Iran, put it in these beautiful words: ‘Beloved words: “Beloved Lord, let us know what lights said when they first discovered Your Light?’ Light?” Ibn Arabî, while referring Ibn al-‘Arabî, referring to the Qur’ânic to Qur’ânic verse 41:11: “He verse 41:11 (“Again, He directed Himself towards the space. It was a mass space. Behold! It was [like] a mass of dust”, says, ‘Allâh [I have edited all quotations from the Qur’ân to conform to the Nooruddîn translation (according to the assignment instructions); sometimes this involves quite a bit of revision from the original manuscript (the Yusuf Ali translation?)] dust”), said, [why did I change your "says" to "said"? Let's restrict present tense to Allâh and to humans currently living or to current circumstances; Ibn al-‘Arabî died in 638 AH / 1240 CE] “Allâh manifested Himself in Theophany through His Light to that dust, which contained the entire cosmos in potentiality and readiness. Each potential object inside the dust received from His Light in accordance with its preparedness (Isti'dâd). By preparedness (isti‘dâd). By bringing the two together Allâh made a mixture, something of the together, Allâh blended the One entered into One into the other’. the other.” [Is this what you mean?] Allâh describes His relationship to His worshipping servant with a very beautiful metaphor: “Allâh is the Extensive Light of the heavens and the earth. His light can be compared to a lustrous pillar a (lustrous) pillar on which is a lamp. The lamp is inside a crystal globe. The globe of glass is as if it were a glittering star. The lamp is star. It [the lamp] [Here is an example of my use of square brackets: [xxxx], rather than the ( -xxxxx), with that hyphen, which the Nooruddin has and which seems obscure to the reader.... This kind of inserted text within the verse is to provide an explanation (not an elaboration, which the curved parentheses enclose) for a term... in this case, the word all] is lit by the oil of a by (the oil of) a blessed olive tree, which belongs neither to the east nor to the west. Its west (rather welds the whole world in its fold). Its oil is likely to glow forth of itself even if no fire touches it fire touch it. This lamp is This (lamp) is a combination of many lights, light upon light repeatedly. Allâh lights over and over. Allâh guides towards His light whoever desires to be enlightened. And desires (to be enlightened). And Allâh sets forth excellent parables for the people” (24: 35-37). people” (24: 35). In the verses, Allâh In this verse, Allâh compares His Light to Light, , to a “lustrous pillar” on pillar,” , on which is a which rests a “lamp” . Metaphorically “lamp”, . [Please ensure that the Arabic script fits inline with the English text] Metaphorically, the “lamp” is the servant of Allâh raised in dignity by the “lustrous pillar”. These servants are His prophets and the “lustrous pillar.” Each servant is one of the following: His Prophets and His friends (Auliyâ), the saints appointed friends (’awliyâ’), the Saints appointed by Him (Ma’mûr min Him (ma’mûr min Allâh), those with whom He spoke (Muhaddathîn), His spoke (muhaddathîn), His appointed Reformers to appointed reformers, who were asked to remove the corruption that crept that had crept into His Faith (Mujuddadîn), and Faith (mujuddadîn), and many others who came close to Him and whom He favoured with He favored [American, rather than British, spelling for publishers in the U.S.] with His sweet converse. The sweet Converse. The “lamp” is inside a crystal-globe, which a crystal globe, which protects the lamp from being extinguished. The servant of Allâh is protected by Divine Providence as a crystal-globe protects Providence in the same way that a crystal globe protects a weak flame from wind. Then from a puff of wind. In this case, that wind refers to misguided sermons and other words of the faithless. [This is where the original's last sentence of the paragraph (about the "puff of wind") belongs.] Then He says that the crystal-globe is as if it were a He likens the crystal globe to a glittering star. [we can tighten your text here, cutting out extraneous words] Allâh compares His compares each of His beloved special servants with a servants to a star. The stars star, [just as "a star" is singular, so must be the individual "servant" who is compared to it] and just as the stars are numberless, so are His servants. The “puffs of wind” refer to their enemies and to the misguiding sermons and the words of the faithless servants. The “lustrous pillar” can also be the also refer to the chests of the pious, “globe pious and the “globe of glass” is their glass” to their heart, which is a glittering star, “olive star. The “olive tree” is the Faith, which welds the whole world in its world within its fold and grace and fold, its Grace and blessing of which is not confined blessing not being confined to any one place or age or direction, but is everlasting but rather being everlasting. The “blessed tree” is “neither of the tree” belongs “neither to the east nor of the nor to the west”, not west”—that is, it is not limited to one to just one people or one or to just one nation. The great Sufi saint Abdul Qâdir Jîlânî says that great Sûfî saint ‘Abd al-Qâdir Jilânî said that the “Blessed Olive Tree” is the “blessed olive tree” [let's maintain the capitalization in the Nooruddîn translation of the scripture] is the Tree of Unity (Ahadiyyat), as being neither Unity (Ahadîyyat), that it is neither of the East or the West – that is it has neither the east nor of the west—in other words, that is has that it has neither a beginning nor an end, and unlike and, unlike the sun, this Source of the Light has no rising or setting. [Even though ‘Abd al-Qâdir Jilânî has been dead for more than nine centuries (so we use "said" rather than "says"), what he said was about the way things are--right? Therefore, present tense, rather than past tense, is appropriate to describe the content of what he said] It was always there and will remain forever. The “oil of the blessed tree” that lit “lamp” The “oil of a blessed olive tree,” which fuels the “lamp” of Revelation, suffers neither from excess nor from deficiency, and has deficiency. It has been made in the best mould of best mold of the fine, bright and high moral qualities nourished by the clear fountain of perfect human nature and reason. The Divine Light in the form of Revelation always descends in accord with in accordance with the capacities (Isti’dâd) of capacities (isti‘dâd) [my revision of the transliteration is to correct the hamzah (’), which should be an ‘ayn (‘) ] of the person to whom it is vouchsafed (5:15). [I seriously doubt the relevance of this citation to the text here; please check this] Human nature is already prepared to receive the Light; it is like “oil that needs no ignition”, as this like “oil that is likely to glow forth of itself even if no fire touch it”—that is, it needs no ignition, because this oil is radiating by itself from the Divine Light. “Light upon light, over and over” (Nûr alâ Nûr Light upon light, “over and over” (Nûr ‘alâ nûr) refers to Divine Light when it falls on the gnostic. It the Gnostic. It also refers to other lights on which the Divine Light falls. One is the light of the Light of knowledge ('Iyân) when knowledge (‘iyân) when it shines on the path of wisdom, and the other is the light of the Light of guidance (Hadâya) that shines guidance (hadâya), which shines upon the path that leads to His proximity. Imagine someone asking a way to his destination in Imagine asking for directions in the darkness of the night. He may get a reply from someone saying, ‘I night. One person may reply, “I do not know’. Another describes him the way that is not exact, and know.” Another offers inexact directions, and yet another may misguide him. How misguide you. [(1) The points you are making are far more compelling when you address the reader directly, with the second-person-singular pronouns you and your rather than the abstract and distant third-person he, his, him, someone, one, a human being, and so on (as well as using imperative, rather than indicative, mood, as I revised at the beginning of this paragraph); (2) your prose is also livelier when you can change nouns (e.g., "a reply") and "nominalizations" to active verbs (e.g., "may reply"); (3) U.S. publishers prefer American rather than British punctuation (‘...’ only for nested quotations--quotes within quotes--and ,” and .” rather than ”, and ”.)] How can he be can you be sure that he reaches his goals except when someone sure to reach your destination unless someone comes with a light and accompanies him to his destination? A accompanies you there? A servant of Allâh has a yearning for his Lord to Allâh yearns to reach Him. [The unedited version implied that the servant wants Allâh to do the reaching, whereas your intended meaning is that the servant wants to reach Allâh] In his daily In your daily prayers, five times a day, he is asking day, you are asking for His Light of guidance (Hadâya): “Show us (Ihdinâ) the right guidance (hadâya): “Lead us (ihdinâ) [A word ordinarily set italic (such as this transliteration of an Arabic word) that is within an italic string should no longer be italic] on the exact right path!” path till we reach the goal!” (1:6) he repeats several (1:6) you repeat several times a day. When the Creator of the worlds (Rabb al-‘Âlamîn), out of his special of His special Mercy (Rahîmiyyat), shows His servant the right path, He does it by illuminating that path with His Light. This is Hadâya - the is hadâya, the Light of guidance. The Guide then remains close to him and accompanies him.

Result
As you can see, even after the second pass of the edit, there is still an outstanding issue the author will need to address.
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Light upon Light Nûr ‘alâ Nûr “Allâh is the Extensive Light of the heavens and the earth” (24:35) Nûr (Light) is Allâh’s Attribute of Incomparability, generated from His Essence. Were it not for Allâh’s Light, no form would become manifest. It pierces through every object in the cosmos, living or nonliving. There is no shadow behind the object when this Light falls on it. It envelops all objects and all other lights in the entire cosmos, and nothing remains deprived of His light. Every light—whether manifest or hidden, whether visible on the intellectual heights or buried deep in the seas of ignorance, whether in illuminated souls or in bodies, whether in the spoken words or in thoughts—is the bounty of this Grace. This Light is the very source of all other lights. The perception of beauty comes only when this Light falls on an object. Hâfiz, the great mystic from Shirâz in Iran, put it in these beautiful words: “Beloved Lord, let us know what lights said when they first discovered Your Light?” Ibn al-‘Arabî, referring to Qur’ânic verse 41:11 (“Again, He directed Himself towards the space. Behold! It was [like] a mass of dust”), said, “Allâh manifested Himself in Theophany through His Light to that dust, which contained the entire cosmos in potentiality and readiness. Each potential object inside the dust received from His Light in accordance with its preparedness (isti‘dâd). By bringing the two together, Allâh blended the One into the other.” Allâh describes His relationship to His worshipping servant with a very beautiful metaphor: “Allâh is the Extensive Light of the heavens and the earth. His light can be compared to a (lustrous) pillar on which is a lamp. The lamp is inside a crystal globe. The globe of glass is as if it were a glittering star. It [the lamp] is lit by (the oil of) a blessed olive tree, which belongs neither to the east nor to the west (rather welds the whole world in its fold). Its oil is likely to glow forth of itself even if no fire touch it. This (lamp) is a combination of many lights over and over. Allâh guides towards His light whoever desires (to be enlightened). And Allâh sets forth excellent parables for the people” (24: 35). In this verse, Allâh compares His Light, , to a “lustrous pillar,” , on which rests a “lamp”, . Metaphorically, the “lamp” is the servant of Allâh raised in dignity by the “lustrous pillar.” Each servant is one of the following: His Prophets and His friends (’awliyâ’), the Saints appointed by Him (ma’mûr min Allâh), those with whom He spoke (muhaddathîn), His appointed reformers, who were asked to remove the corruption that had crept into His Faith (mujuddadîn), and many others who came close to Him and whom He favored with His sweet Converse. The “lamp” is inside a crystal globe, which protects the lamp from being extinguished. The servant of Allâh is protected by Divine Providence in the same way that a crystal globe protects a weak flame from a puff of wind. In this case, that wind refers to misguided sermons and other words of the faithless. Then He likens the crystal globe to a glittering star. Allâh compares each of His beloved special servants to a star, and just as the stars are numberless, so are His servants. The “lustrous pillar” can also refer to the chests of the pious and the “globe of glass” to their heart, which is a glittering star. The “olive tree” is the Faith, which welds the whole world within its fold, its Grace and blessing not being confined to any one place or age or direction, but rather being everlasting. The “blessed tree” belongs “neither to the east nor to the west”—that is, it is not limited to just one people or to just one nation. The great Sûfî saint ‘Abd al-Qâdir Jilânî said that the “blessed olive tree” is the Tree of Unity (Ahadîyyat), that it is neither of the east nor of the west—in other words, that it has neither a beginning nor an end, and, unlike the sun, this Source of the Light has no rising or setting. It was always there and will remain forever. The “oil of a blessed olive tree,” which fuels the “lamp” of Revelation, suffers neither from excess nor from deficiency. It has been made in the best mold of the fine, bright and high moral qualities nourished by the clear fountain of perfect human nature and reason. The Divine Light in the form of Revelation always descends in accordance with the capacities (isti‘dâd) of the person to whom it is vouchsafed (5:15). [I seriously doubt the relevance of this citation to the text here; please check this] Human nature is already prepared to receive the Light; it is like “oil that is likely to glow forth of itself even if no fire touch it”—that is, it needs no ignition, because this oil is radiating by itself from the Divine Light. Light upon light, “over and over” (Nûr ‘alâ nûr) refers to Divine Light when it falls on the Gnostic. It also refers to other lights on which the Divine Light falls. One is the Light of knowledge (‘iyân) when it shines on the path of wisdom, and the other is the Light of guidance (hadâya), which shines upon the path that leads to His proximity. Imagine asking for directions in the darkness of the night. One person may reply, “I do not know.” Another offers inexact directions, and yet another may misguide you. How can you be sure to reach your destination unless someone comes with a light and accompanies you there? A servant of Allâh yearns to reach Him. In your daily prayers, five times a day, you are asking for His Light of guidance (hadâya): “Lead us (ihdinâ) on the exact right path till we reach the goal!” (1:6) you repeat several times a day. When the Creator of the worlds (Rabb al-‘Âlamîn), out of His special Mercy (Rahîmiyyat), shows His servant the right path, He does it by illuminating that path with His Light. This is hadâya, the Light of guidance. The Guide then remains close to him and accompanies him.