Copyediting sample 8:
How old is Stella?

There was a continuity problem in this mystery novel. To account for all the events in Stella’s life recounted in the narrative, if she had actually spent ten years teaching grade school, she would have needed to start teaching at the age of twelve.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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She made her first batch of ice cream when she was eight years old and kept playing around with recipes into adulthood, but it was just a hobby. She became a teacher, like her mother, and got a job at a Catholic grade school, also like her mother. But, after suffering through ten years of headaches and temper tantrums—including her own—she realized that she just didn’t like spending that much time with small children. About twenty-five years ago she took the plunge into the ice cream world and opened a small storefront in the North End, a few blocks from where she grew up. It was a hit, not a big one but she made enough to hire a couple of part-time employees and upgrade her equipment so she could make bigger batches of ice cream. After ten years of serving the neighborhood, she had ambitions to grow. That’s when she moved her operation to Galena. It was a risk. Leasing a storefront on Galena’s Main Street was a lot more expensive than renting space on a quiet neighborhood street in Dubuque, but she hoped that all the foot traffic on Main Street would make up the difference. She was right, and then some. Her soda fountain thrived. All those tourists, a million every year, sure liked ice cream and she didn’t disappoint them. It helped that she didn’t really have any competition, at least in the beginning. 140 pages (21 chapters) later Rick gossips “I’m not much of a fan of Stella. I think you’ll find that to be true of most folks around here. Sure, we were glad that Stan found someone new, but we were hoping he’d do better.” “What’s wrong with Stella?” “I don’t have a lot to go on, truthfully, it’s just more of a feeling than anything. Something about her I don’t trust. She left town for a year when she was what, maybe twenty-two? That got a lot of folks wondering.” “Debbie mentioned that. She said Stella went somewhere to learn how to make ice cream.” Rick smiled. “That’s possible, I suppose. I just don’t know why it would take a whole year of study to learn how to do something that most folks can learn in an hour or two. Making ice cream ain’t that hard.” “True, but maybe there was more to it, like learning how to make it on a bigger scale, and managing a business.” Rick didn’t look convinced. “So if she wasn’t learning how to make ice cream, then why do you suppose she left town for a year?” I asked. “I heard she got knocked up, that she went somewhere where she could hide out until she had the baby, then come back as if nothing had happened.” “How long ago was this? And why would she have to leave town to give birth?” “It would have been a couple of years before she met Stan. Why’d she go away? I can’t speak to that for sure, but there are still folks who don’t look favorably on the idea of a woman having a baby when she’s not married. Maybe that’s who she comes from.”

Markup
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She made She’d made her first batch of ice cream when she was eight years old and kept old, and she kept playing around with recipes into adulthood, but it was just a but it’d just been a hobby. She became a teacher, like her mother, and got a job at a Catholic grade school, also like her mother. But, after But after suffering through ten years a couple of years of headaches and temper tantrums—including her own—she realized that she just didn’t like spending that much time with small children. [To understand my problem with “ten years of headaches and temper tantrums,” please see my comment on this in chapter 31.] About twenty-five years ago she took the years before, she’d taken the plunge into the ice cream world and opened a small storefront in the North End, a few blocks from where she grew up. where she’d grown up. It was a hit, not hit—not a big one but one, but she made enough to hire a couple of part-time employees and upgrade her equipment so she could make bigger batches of ice cream. After ten years of serving the neighborhood, she had ambitions to grow. That’s when she moved her operation to Galena. It was a risk. Leasing a storefront on Galena’s Main Street was a lot more expensive than renting space on a quiet neighborhood street in Dubuque, but she hoped that all the foot traffic on Main Street would make up the difference. She was right, and then some. Her soda fountain thrived. All those tourists, a million every year, sure liked ice cream and cream, and she didn’t disappoint them. It helped that she didn’t really have any competition, at least competition—at least in the beginning. 140 pages (21 chapters) later Rick gossips “I’m not much of a fan of Stella. I think you’ll find that to be true of most folks around here. Sure, we were glad that Stan found someone new, but we were hoping he’d do better.” “What’s wrong with Stella?” “I don’t have a lot to go on, truthfully, it’s just truthfully. It’s just more of a feeling than anything. Something about her I don’t trust. She left town for a year when she was what, maybe was . . . what . . . maybe twenty-two? [if that were accurate, then Stella would now (in the narrative present of 2016) be forty-six or forty-seven—allowing for her deceased son, Jake, to be twenty-four—which seems reasonable, but it contradicts chapter 10, where (in your original) Stella said she’d taught in a Catholic grade school for ten years before she took the plunge into making ice cream . . . She wouldn’t have started teaching at age twelve! With my suggested change there of “a couple of years” rather than “ten years,” she could have started teaching at age twenty, an age more plausible. (Of course, Rick could be mistaken here about Stella being “maybe twenty-two,” but if that ten-year span of teaching were accurate, then she would not have gone off to have a baby until she was maybe thirty—and Rick would not likely be that far off in his age estimate—and she would have to be fifty-five or fifty-six in the narrative present. Not too likely!)] That got a lot of folks wondering.” “Debbie mentioned that. She said Stella went somewhere to learn how to make ice cream.” Rick smiled. “That’s possible, I suppose. I just don’t know why it would take a whole year of study to learn how to do something that most folks can learn in an hour or two. Making ice cream ain’t that hard.” “True, but maybe there was more to it, like learning how to make it on a bigger scale, and managing scale. And managing a business.” Rick didn’t look convinced. “So if she wasn’t learning how to make ice cream, then cream,” I said, “then why do you suppose she left town for a year?” I asked. year?” “I heard she got knocked up, that she went somewhere where she could hide out until she had the baby, then come back as if nothing had happened.” “How long ago was this? And why would she have to leave town to give birth?” “It would have been a couple of years before she met Stan. Why’d she go away? I can’t speak to that for sure, but there are still folks who don’t look favorably on the idea of a woman having a baby when she’s not married. Maybe that’s who she comes from.”

Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

She’d made her first batch of ice cream when she was eight years old, and she kept playing around with recipes into adulthood, but it’d just been a hobby. She became a teacher, like her mother, and got a job at a Catholic grade school, also like her mother. But after suffering through a couple of years of headaches and temper tantrums—including her own—she realized that she just didn’t like spending that much time with small children. About twenty-five years before, she’d taken the plunge into the ice cream world and opened a small storefront in the North End, a few blocks from where she’d grown up. It was a hit—not a big one, but she made enough to hire a couple of part-time employees and upgrade her equipment so she could make bigger batches of ice cream. After ten years of serving the neighborhood, she had ambitions to grow. That’s when she moved her operation to Galena. It was a risk. Leasing a storefront on Galena’s Main Street was a lot more expensive than renting space on a quiet neighborhood street in Dubuque, but she hoped that all the foot traffic on Main Street would make up the difference. She was right, and then some. Her soda fountain thrived. All those tourists, a million every year, sure liked ice cream, and she didn’t disappoint them. It helped that she didn’t really have any competition—at least in the beginning. 140 pages (21 chapters) later Rick gossips “I’m not much of a fan of Stella. I think you’ll find that to be true of most folks around here. Sure, we were glad that Stan found someone new, but we were hoping he’d do better.” “What’s wrong with Stella?” “I don’t have a lot to go on, truthfully. It’s just more of a feeling than anything. Something about her I don’t trust. She left town for a year when she was . . . what . . . maybe twenty-two? That got a lot of folks wondering.” “Debbie mentioned that. She said Stella went somewhere to learn how to make ice cream.” Rick smiled. “That’s possible, I suppose. I just don’t know why it would take a whole year of study to learn how to do something that most folks can learn in an hour or two. Making ice cream ain’t that hard.” “True, but maybe there was more to it, like learning how to make it on a bigger scale. And managing a business.” Rick didn’t look convinced. “So if she wasn’t learning how to make ice cream,” I said, “then why do you suppose she left town for a year?” “I heard she got knocked up, that she went somewhere where she could hide out until she had the baby, then come back as if nothing had happened.” “How long ago was this? And why would she have to leave town to give birth?” “It would have been a couple of years before she met Stan. Why’d she go away? I can’t speak to that for sure, but there are still folks who don’t look favorably on the idea of a woman having a baby when she’s not married. Maybe that’s who she comes from.”