Copyediting sample 17:
Frank stuffing French fries fresh from the fryer

After I make my first stab with editing an author’s prose, I read it aloud to “hear” it. Inevitably, I can thereby discover risible juxtapositions of words that would cause a reader to laugh at the author. This paragraph from a mystery novel is an example of where my reading aloud prevented the author’s later embarrassment.

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This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
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“It’s not like you got your heart broken. You just wanted something different than she did.” I leaned toward the table and inhaled the scent of fries fresh from the fryer before stuffing a couple in my mouth.

Markup
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“It’s not like you got your heart broken. You just wanted something different than she did.” different from what she wanted.” [Suggested revision okay?] I leaned toward the table and inhaled the scent of fries fresh from the fryer before stuffing a couple in my mouth into my mouth. [Four “fr-” words in a row (“fries fresh from the fryer”), especially preceding other words containing the prominent “f” phoneme (“before stuffing”), are risible, thereby causing some readers to laugh at the author. At least, you don’t have “French” before “fries,” and your main character, Frank (“fr-”), stuffing four (“f—r”) of them into his mouth. 😊 Consider changing “the scent of fries fresh from the fryer” to “the scent of the hot fries.”]

Result
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“It’s not like you got your heart broken. You just wanted something different from what she wanted.” I leaned toward the table and inhaled the scent of hot fries before stuffing a couple into my mouth.