Substantive editing sample 3:
Book or books

In this mystery novel, protagonist Frank is talking to a bartender in one chapter and mentions a single book he wrote; two chapters later, he is talking to a reporter, who mentions how Frank has written several books as well as articles. Routinely, I need to question such apparent discrepancies. In this sample, I also suggested that the author insert cinematic “beats,” descriptive actions that interrupt long speeches—often a character-revealing gesture or grimace or perhaps some other action. You can see (in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS) how the author responded to my suggestions.

Skip this sample and advance to the next one in the series.

This sample is presented here with the author’s permission.

Original
Click to go to the markup.

“What brings you here?” “Work. I write about travel. I’m here to update a book I wrote about the Quad Cities.” “Someone wrote a book about the Quad Cities? Hardly seems worth a whole book, if you ask me. What’s in that book of yours? Like what museums to go to and what food to eat?” “That’s part of it. I write about travel along the Mississippi River, so I also include tips about the best places to get on the river, too.” 13 pages (two chapters) later “You work mostly along the Mississippi River, though, right?” “Yeah, that’s right. That’s where I spend most of my time. But I’ve been lucky enough to travel around the world, too.” I wasn’t sure where DeSmet was going. Was his call just a coincidence? Was he just looking to chat with another writer? Maybe he was thinking about ditching his day job for the glamorous life of a freelance travel writer. “I know you’ve written quite a bit about the Quad Cities, books and articles. You must know our area well.” “I’ve spent a lot of time here, that’s true. I don’t think folks here really appreciate what they have: big city amenities without all the big city problems. Maybe you see that, though.” “Not really. I’ve lived here all my life. I don’t think we have anything all that special going on, except maybe the river.”

Markup
Click to go to the author’s review.

“What brings you here?” “Work. I write about travel. I’m here to update a book I wrote about the Quad Cities.” “Someone wrote He raised his eyebrows. [Suggested insertion OK?] “Someone wrote a book about the Quad Cities? Hardly seems worth a whole book, if you ask me. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] What’s in that book of yours? Like what museums to go to and what food to eat?” “That’s part of it. I write about travel along the Mississippi River, so I also include tips about the best places to get on the river, too.” 13 pages (two chapters) later “You work mostly along the Mississippi River, though, right?” “Yeah, that’s right. That’s where I spend most of my time. But I’ve been lucky enough to travel around the world, too.” I wasn’t sure where DeSmet was going. Was his call just a coincidence? Was he just looking to chat with another writer? Maybe he was thinking about ditching his day job for the glamorous life of a freelance travel writer. “I know you’ve written quite a bit about the Quad Cities, books and articles. Cities. A number of articles and even a whole book. [OK? In chapter 6, we have this: “I’m here to update a book I wrote about the Quad Cities” and “Someone wrote a book about the Quad Cities? Hardly seems worth a whole book, if you ask me.” Seems to me that in the not many years since Frank left his therapy practice, and all this travels abroad, there wouldn’t be more than one book.] You must know our area well.” “I’ve spent a lot of time here, that’s true. I don’t think folks here really appreciate what they have: big city amenities without all the big city problems. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] Maybe you see that, though.” you appreciate it, though.” [OK?] “Not really. I’ve lived here all my life. I don’t think we have anything all that special going on, except going on. [Maybe a pause here, a throat clearing or something that Frank hears?] Except maybe the river.”

The Author’s Review
in BLUE BOLDFACE ALL CAPS
Click to go to the second-pass result.

“What brings you here?” “Work. I write about travel. I’m here to update a book I wrote about the Quad Cities.” “Someone wrote He raised his eyebrows. [Suggested insertion OK?] “Someone wrote a book about the Quad Cities? Hardly seems worth a whole book, if you ask me. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] HE SHRUGGED. What’s in that book of yours? Like what museums to go to and what food to eat?” “That’s part of it. I write about travel along the Mississippi River, so I also include tips about the best places to get on the river, too.” 13 pages (two chapters) later “You work mostly along the Mississippi River, though, right?” “Yeah, that’s right. That’s where I spend most of my time. But I’ve been lucky enough to travel around the world, too.” I wasn’t sure where DeSmet was going. Was his call just a coincidence? Was he just looking to chat with another writer? Maybe he was thinking about ditching his day job for the glamorous life of a freelance travel writer. “I know you’ve written quite a bit about the Quad Cities, books and articles. Cities. A number of articles and even a whole book. [OK? In chapter 6, we have this: “I’m here to update a book I wrote about the Quad Cities” and “Someone wrote a book about the Quad Cities? Hardly seems worth a whole book, if you ask me.” Seems to me that in the not many years since Frank left his therapy practice, and all this travels abroad, there wouldn’t be more than one book.] You must know our area well.” “I’ve spent a lot of time here, that’s true. I don’t think folks here really appreciate what they have: big city amenities without all the big city problems. [Consider interrupting the speech here with a short sentence of description (some character-revealing gesture or grimace perhaps)—don’t worry about the punctuation; I’ll take care of getting the close and open quotations marks fixed in the edit’s second pass.] THIS WAS TRUE FOR A LOT OF PLACES I HAD VISITED. IT'S HARD TO SEE YOUR HOMETOWN AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN MUNDANE, I SUPPOSE. Maybe you see that, though.” you appreciate it, though.” [OK?] “Not really. I’ve lived here all my life. I don’t think we have anything all that special going on, except going on. [Maybe a pause here, a throat clearing or something that Frank hears?] HE CLEARED HIS THROAT. Except maybe the river.”

The Second-Pass Result
Click to go to the next sample in the series.

“What brings you here?” “Work. I write about travel. I’m here to update a book I wrote about the Quad Cities.” He raised his eyebrows. “Someone wrote a book about the Quad Cities? Hardly seems worth a whole book, if you ask me.” He shrugged. “What’s in that book of yours? Like what museums to go to and what food to eat?” “That’s part of it. I write about travel along the Mississippi River, so I also include tips about the best places to get on the river, too.” 13 pages (two chapters) later “You work mostly along the Mississippi River, though, right?” “Yeah, that’s right. That’s where I spend most of my time. But I’ve been lucky enough to travel around the world, too.” I wasn’t sure where DeSmet was going. Was his call just a coincidence? Was he just looking to chat with another writer? Maybe he was thinking about ditching his day job for the glamorous life of a freelance travel writer. “I know you’ve written quite a bit about the Quad Cities. A number of articles and even a whole book. You must know our area well.” “I’ve spent a lot of time here, that’s true. I don’t think folks here really appreciate what they have: big city amenities without all the big city problems.” This was true for a lot of places I had visited. It’s hard to see your hometown as anything other than mundane, I suppose. “Maybe you appreciate it, though.” “Not really. I’ve lived here all my life. I don’t think we have anything all that special going on.” He cleared his throat. “Except maybe the river.”